Mission Trip Reflections

Its been a week since I’ve returned from the mission trip, I wouldn’t say I’ve fully recovered as my friend just released another video of the trip just last night. This whole week since returning has been just filled with reminiscing of memories, compiling photos, making video memories and communicating with friends and the team over Facebook.

I haven’t really been reflecting, honestly, on what God has really done in my life, over the 10 days, besides this sudden spark of friendships with a group of 13 people over 10 days.

I was hoping that my life would have wondrously changed in an immediate instant once touching down from the mission trip. I hoped this mission trip would be life changing, it was, but not as much as I hoped it would’ve been. I was hoping for some explosive bomb to happen in my life and I would be leading a completely new Mother Theresa like life.

Instead, the most significant  thing I’ve done since returning was getting my hair ruined (bleached) by a cheap hairstylist (meant to be highlights but she bleached the whole head) and getting in fixed by a more expensive hairstylist (cost me a bomb). Now my hair looks bleached ash colour and nothing can fix it unless I wait for the new ones to grow over the next few months.

This was not what I was expecting, not after a mission trip. I was crying for 2 days over my ruined hair, it was a complete change of colour and it was ugly.

What was I thinking and what was I doing.

Probably what I was thinking to myself during the whole mission trip as well. But was not as agonising as my hair.

  • I did a public testimony in the orphanage. In front of a bunch of people I know (and hope) I won’t meet again as well as the mission team, who very well know I have a reputation of not talking at all. I got a panic attack straight after in the toilet, I felt like fainting and was short of breathe. The orphanage caretaker saw that I was so pale she asked if I was okay and gave me tissues, I was so glad no one on the team found out.
  • I handled the mission team accounts. I for one am useless with money. I couldn’t believe God gave me such a big responsibility with such cash. This was something I was well-informed for before the trip and it was the only thing I was anticipating to be honest… but no the list goes on.
  • I cracked jokes, to a team who knows I have no reputation of talking.
  • I sang out loud, to crazy songs, sang karaoke, sang into a mic, screaming singing like a girl who drank 10 shots of alcohol even though I was actually completely sane. This again happened in front of people who believed I had no ability of speaking (I will see these people again, they are from church, I can’t avoid them)
  • I sat a water slide 3 times, loved it. Screamed hysterically on the first ride and totally exposed my lunatic side to the whole team.
  • I screamed high-pitch screams over insects. I thought I was okay with them, I seriously did, but they frightened me more than I realized. I reckon I should be around them more.
  • I cried and laughed over a tricycle ride. Who knew it would be so much fun, but only Megan and I shared the excitement and I shed the most tears.
  • I prayed for people, out loud, in front of them (actually technically I was standing behind them but they heard my prayer). I’m the type of person who prefers silent prayers, even to myself. I get very uncomfortable praying out loud because it feels like I’m exposing my brain thoughts to other people.
  • People actually cried after I prayed for them. The only other person who cried after my prayer is myself, for myself.
  • I was thanked for praying for them. One of the girls told me I helped her alot, she said I changed her life. Oh my goodness, I’m actually having trouble changing my own life and here I am changing someone else’s life. Whut.
  • I cried and laughed simultaneously 10 days straight. This is a common trait of mine, to laugh and cry, it’s not strange if you are my best friend. But 10 days straight? This is a record.
  • I cried while sharing. I don’t cry in public. My bestfriends have never really seen me cry (besides from laughter). I detest people crying in public, it makes me kind of annoyed. Doing it myself, I don’t if I should be embarrassed, annoyed or just bury a hole and live in there.

In the span of 10 days, I did so many things I’d never thought I would’ve done, especially with a group of people I’ve sworn to myself to keep a composure in front of, church people. It’s not that I’ve never been crazy before, I’m known to be pretty impulsive as well. But my whole life, especially since accepting Christ, I viewed church and church people as a place where I’m supposed to be “good”, in-character, quiet.

I don’t know whether maybe it’s because I’m just generally shy of church people my whole life or what, or just that I’d never really put in the effort for getting to know church people really well because of my intense hate for church. After this trip, I’ve grown to see this people as family instead of just “church”.

I think maybe God put me on this trip not just to break me out of my shell, but just to change my perception of things, to discover things that I could do but never really tried. He made me discover my abilities only after doing them, I guess that’s like the gift of my impulsiveness.

It’s crazy how He does things. It’s crazy how I’ve done them. I still slap myself now and then, thinking of the year and the madness I’ve gone through and how they’d turned out, not as bad as I thought.

All my nightmares have slowly turned into dreams, not yet sweet… but I believe with God, they can come true.

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Hard Driven

This is the first time I’m blogging straight from the WordPress app on my phone. As a person who loves to do long winded posts, I’m not liking the fact only my thumbs are given the privilege to type. Can’t wait to get back to my computer again after the next 10 days of mission trip (21st century kid problems)

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Currently waiting for my flight gate to open. I’m half an hour early. This will be the first Malaysian Airlines flight I’ve taken in ages, it had a rough year and I used to be one of their frequent flyers, will be lying if I said I wasn’t traumatized with all their recent 2014 events.

God be with me on this flight.

After all that long winded happy conclusion post I did yesterday, the most unlikely thing happened to me. My hard drive fell. 600GBs worth of assignments, homework, music, photo and movies all vanished. All the beautiful memories.

I was just consoling myself that God was going to make me feel better after all the unprepared feelings for this mission trip. Seriously the devil is trying so hard.. So damn hard.

Devil, you mad?

Coz you just made me mad. Nobody makes me mad, if you make me mad.. You dead.

You can break my hard drive and steal everything away from me.

But I am hard driven.

In Jesus name, I’m still going on this trip and nobody ain’t gonna pull me down. Don’t you dare mess with me.

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Mission – trippin. Battles.

I’ve been meaning to post here for days now… actually more like weeks since I’ve promised.

I’ve had ideas in my brain that I’ve been meaning to put into words but I can’t seem to do it. I can’t believe I procrastinated blogging.

I’m flying to Philippines tomorrow. My very first mission trip. The one I’ve been rambling for months now. I was suppose to prepare for it, to reduce this fear that is still in me.

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To be honest. I’m still scared. It’s a hard truth, hard fact.

I know I have God by my side. I do trust God. I love God with all my heart and I have all the faith.

But I still feel very unprepared. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m running a very long path into a wall that I hope will magically open like Platform 9 3/4. The wall better open or I’ll be damaged for life. Currently, it still feels like I’m running into a wall and I’m praying so hard it opens.

We were told to do so much preparation before the trip. Devotions, prayer, fasting. I didn’t do them as full steam as I should’ve and the way others did (probably why I feel unprepared). I see the kids younger than me taking it seriously and here I am, one of the older ones, living a lesser holy life than I’m suppose to be before the trip.

During my flight to Kuala Lumpur, I finished the remaining chapters of Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtick. I thought I was ready, I told myself these fears were lies and God still has plans. I prayed and tried to build as much confidence as I can during the few days I’ll spend in KL before Philippines.

But then stuff happened.

I was supposed to be in charge of the orphanage activities and sunday school during the mission trip. The notes I made during the last meeting I had with my team were left in Melbourne. The lollies I bought for the kids were left in Melbourne. My brain became a mess. I replanned everything and tried to remember as much as possible for the things that I should bring for the kids. I did not want to tell my team what I did because I was the oldest there and stuffing up is something I’m pretty against on anyway (which I did). I planned a back up sunday school lesson in case things went haywire, but I’ve never planned a lesson before and it didn’t make any sense. I’m sticking to it anyway because my brain juices are running out.

Then someone on my team can’t make it to the trip. She planned the original lesson.
I was already mad with myself for letting myself leaving things behind.

As I shopped for the things, I realised the stuff were costing me more than I imagined. The toys and equipment that I had visualised in my head did not seem to equate to it in reality. It felt like I was overspending but in the same time it didn’t look enough. Everything I bought didn’t seem to look right. “I hope the church will pay you back for some of this”, says my dad. It was his wallet anyway. I have no job. Extra guilt feelings just swarm me.

In the same time the church is already paying for my accommodation on the whole trip. It would be such a cheap skate of me to demand money for all the gifts and equipment I was buying for the kids.

No one said mission trip was easy.
No one said mission trips were a holiday.

I’m beginning to understand why and I haven’t even started the trip. I’ve been constantly asking God this question the past few weeks

Why are you sending me on this trip when I am CLEARLY NOT READY?

I type trustgod as my computer password, which I key it in at least 10 times daily. It is a reflex keyboard action to my fingers now.
But believing what my fingers do everyday is another story, I’ve got to make it a mental reflex action.

Lord,

I haven’t been praying as hard as I should, Reading your word as much as I should, living the life I’m suppose to live. The reasons why I am so unprepared is so clear before me. Yet I find it so hard to bring myself to correct it.

Take this thing.. whatever it is.. out of me. Fill me with that trust, love, faith and joy that I had in You. Give me the strength that I’m suppose to have and let me use You as my shield from the enemy.

Keep the team and I safe Lord as we journey on this trip. Help us touch the lives and help the people and children that we will be seeing there. Let us be your vessel, to these people.

Lord I hope I am worthy of being Your vessel and Your servant during this trip. I’m so sorry if I wasn’t living the way I’m suppose to be during the lead up to this trip. I hope I will make You proud, it is the only deepest desire I have right now.

I will take whatever challenge You would want to throw at me with love and I will do Your work with love. In whatever hardship I may face I will praise Your name still and look to your face.

I wholly trust in You God. This journey, not just the next 10 days but my life in a whole. I don’t know what you want to do in my life but I’m going to continue trusting and trusting and trusting like I’ve always said. Even though at times I can be the worst idiot ever lived on this planet. 

We are still a team. I know we are. You’ve always been my best partner in every battle and You’ll be the only weapon I would want to take with me each time I go into it.

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Let my heart rest in Yours. It will be safe in Your hands. Whatever that is in God’s hands will never break.