A Rude Awakening

You know you’ve spent too long on social media over the last 14 days when you actually laugh and find the below trends relatable, if not, completely ridiculous. But let’s be honest, with majority of the world’s civilised population under house arrest, we are all beginning to go mad and I’m one of them. My participation being the Dalgona coffee.

Image may contain: 6 people, possible text that says 'IG Stories during quarantine starter pack "If I didn't tag you, please don't be offended"'

I’m currently typing this with a 4 year old sheet mask that I bought from my trip in Sth Korea in 2017. I bulk bought 84 pieces, with the promises of ‘baby smooth skin’, which is exactly what I need to show the world once I emerge from this quarantine. Baby Smooth Skin.

Jokes aside. I have been dry coughing over the last 10 days or so, essentially the whole time of my house arrest. Things have been just that, aside from the placebo effects of having shortness of breathe and thinking I’m gonna die… until today, when I developed chills and body aches.

My temperature has been relatively stable at 37.5 (Celsius)  or under, largely above 37 through the in ear thermometer. I’m not sure if my current symptoms have been resulted by the obsessive refreshing of COVID-19 on my phone and TV, or that I have been really infected. The national COVID hotline says I do not qualify for testing and that I should wait…. 14 days. Which is till next Monday. DO. BETTER. AUSTRALIA.

Like many privileged young asians growing up, I was exposed to a largely more western upbringing, with a reasonable exposure to western media. My young naive self used to even think I was a step above the rest of my Asian peers back home because of my birthright as an Australian, how dumb, I admit. This was also largely influenced by our own parents, who deemed the West having a better education and sending us abroad to continue our studies. The peers I mixed with had a pretty similar upbringing with myself and we looked up towards the western influences, as if, somehow or a rather, they were deemed superior in terms of civilisation or some sort. (Admitting this makes my blood curl)

But it took years, including my move back to Australia, to realise the mistakes and the idiocy I had as a child and the way we were brought up. I began to appreciate my culture, in fact embraced it all the more as I lived in a more westernised society. I was appalled by the way my white co-workers found a part of Asian culture foreign, such as bubble tea. When I had accustomed myself to so many of their ways, how dare to they not recognise a part of my own? It then brought to my realisation, that we asians have been so much more cultured in both western and eastern influences due to our unconscious idolisation of the west. While the west, have been so comfortable in their own ways and being reassured by various other cultures (like ourselves), that their ways are indeed, superior. Why do they need to get acquainted with stuff like bubble tea and udon when they have Starbucks and Pasta???

COVID-19 has been a rude awakening for us all.


I believe the graph speaks for itself. The flattening of the curve and the successful curbing of the virus, has been in predominantly developed Asian countries. Heck, even Malaysia, the developing nation I grew up in that had a bigger spike than Australia last week, has successfully beat Australia in maintaining a lower number of infection rates because of quick decisive Government action (and their Gov is shit). This speaks volumes.

The western countries that we have historically looked up upon are currently in shambles, receiving aid from the country that created the outbreak itself, CHINA.

I don’t know who needs to read this, or if you’re that asian kid watching Netflix/Disney right now wishing that your hair was blonde. Trust me honey, save that energy of pointless admiration. Stand proud. Believe in our abilities.

True resilience comes from those who have risen from western oppression.

Unhinged moments, Unprecedented times

It’s been Day 6 of self-isolation for me. I’ve been surviving and looking for things to entertain myself, from downloading dating apps (more on it later) and signing up to free video streaming trials hoping that it would last the quarantine. Then I suddenly remembered… oh I have a blog, LOL. whoops. Sorry for neglecting.

I have heard the word ‘unprecedented’ like in every second sentence from all the press conferences that I have been watching over the week, it’s like the speech writers have ran out of vocal and really given up on explaining for the ministers, but I don’t blame them, it is UNPRECENDENTED. Honestly, what a time to be alive. It’s like your very favourite dystopian movie decided to pop out on screen to give you a real life experience, can we call it a 6D Cinematic experience of Contagion.

That being said, the lack of seriousness portrayed in the Australian community has frustrated (yet also unsurprised) me in the past few days. I do admit if circumstances were different and I did not experience what my family went through the last 9 months, I may have had the same mindset. But this is very real for me and my family, not only us but also, many others out there.

So during my self-entertainment adventures, I downloaded Hinge. There’s been a number of likes , many ghosts (both ways) and some banters/chats. Very innocent and very COVID19 related (because what else can you talk about right now lets be honest). If you really can’t come up with a conversation topic at this time in life, safe to say you ain’t ready for the whole online dating game.

There’s been a few I ghosted, especially those who were keen to meet up (at this time? really?). I mean you can blame me for wanting to get on this train at this time too, we can play chicken and egg but I admit was a bit unHinged, to be on Hinge myself, during a pandemic. What a story to tell my grandkids.

So this is how my last conversation on Hinge went, before I bid it goodbye and practice social distancing in the online space as well.


(I uploaded this on my ig story, not a lot of people knew what it was, and thought I just blew off someone I knew… fam I don’t do that. You should know me better if I was your Close Friend) However being unprecedented times, I may and start doing it to people I know. 

Reasons for my reply (which didn’t need to be explained to a random), is that my family and I have fought and prayed so hard the last 9 months to keep my dad alive from his diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. He is a high risk. It is a respiratory disease. While the poor dude maybe would’ve understood if I explained, there are many others on high risk out there and it should go through your fat brain cells that, it is foolish to go out and bring a pandemic into your home, into your life. It’s not just our health, even if you’re healthy, the economy ain’t gonna be that healthy for you to live out your health if you don’t play a part.

Stay safe out there folks. I know many of you are looking for things to do, don’t get unhinged like me (a lot of unhinged people on Hinge). Please don’t meet. Be responsible.

Since I’m so free now, might progress to part 2 tomorrow. See how. 



Roti fluffs

As I type this, I am no longer a uni student. It’s only been slightly over 2 months and I still have a bit of separation anxiety from that 7 year journey of tertiary education. Am I really that sick? But in all seriousness, it’s a big relief. HUGE in fact, to no longer have to scramble to my readings after a vigorous 8 hour day of corporate bullshit in the office.

I have been doing some serious reflections over the past couple of months since it ended, especially on the last 6 months. In all seriousness, that monumental 6 months made all my ‘cries’ on ‘hardship’ and ‘mental strength’ from 2018 and before look like a joke. Newsflash is that my dad, who was a stage 4 lung cancer patient, pulled through his last scan with no cancer cells found. I know. absolutely. monumental. God is amazing and prayers are powerful. But just after 2 days of celebration, I discovered, through a random decision to scan my boobs, that the lump I had in my right breast in 2016 was back. hoo, ray.

If anything, seeing my dad pull through made me less fearful about what I have. I know God is sovereign. Yes it felt shit at first, but just like all the other days, I told myself that I have no time to lose and wallow in self-pity because, life. just. goes. on.

If I were to sum up the past 6 months, it’d be like the preparation of one of my favourite Malaysian delicacies, the roti.

Image result for roti canai making

I felt being tossed and stretched in every direction possible, whacked down to the ground with so much force and heat and before I can recover, whacked across again. I have lost the number of times I was whacked and tossed, but I knew that each time I did, I got up.

But like every good piece of roti, with each toss and stretch comes a fluffier layer, with every strong landing on heat comes a crispiness essential for the taste. In hindsight, I see God’s purpose in this, despite the pain and hurt through this process of trying to keep myself together in the absolute shittiest of times, God has a good receipe.

If anything, I am grateful for 2019. I’m thankful for these struggles and the times I made myself get out of bed to get to work instead of calling for a sick day (which my manager has generously allowed in my circumstance). I am proud of myself to stick to my readings and pull through my last exam strong, despite the burnt out nights after work and dealing with the troubles at home. These are things pre2019 Juan would never know she could do. I still remembered the day I found out about my dad’s condition and breaking down in a way I never knew was physically possible, I literally had my world fall apart in slow motion in front of my eyes. Something I had only seen in movies but never replicated in real life, it’s like fiction of cancer which I always saw on screen had swarmed out from the TV and into my life.

I never knew what real insomnia was till this year, what loss of appetite meant and that you could actually get a migraine from crying. I pulled through. It was a mental stretch, literally a roti cooking session but just in an emotional and mental form.

That being said, I am so ready for 2020, as much as I am grateful for this year, I am ready to end it. 2020 doesn’t know what’s coming. I have been through the cooking season 2020, I am the fluffiest roti ever rn and boy don’t you know what’s coming.


Ya girl is back and you know what time it is:

Exam Season = always Rant Season = mandatory stress release post

Can you believe, after 7 years and 2 universities later, this upcoming Friday will be my last ever exam, EVER. shucks if I’m not emotional I don’t know what I am.

It’s also the first day of my period today and my texts are starting to not make any senseScreen Shot 2019-10-06 at 4.05.57 pm.png

I have since perpetually pissed/confused the chat because no one is replying my question on the difference between free range and organic chicken, those chicks that they gladwrap a bit too many times to Spanx the fat out of them, WHY.

Anyways, I’ve officially entered deranged mode of my last ever exam season, and shucks I may or may not have a pre-seperation anxiety with these emotions. I really hope I’m not the only one who experience these issues, or all those people liking those exam anxiety memes on facebooks are bots.

2 universities and 7 years. that’s longer than both my primary school years, secondary school years.

I don’t know how to feel, like as amazing as it was, it wasn’t short of its lows. If you have been following this hell-bent journey since my 15 year old blogging self, why have you been wasting your time and also omgosh that’s quite creepy (pretty sure you haven’t so thank God, or seek help).


Thats a take away from my past 7 years. I don’t know what else I can describe this journey. The amount of set-backs the devil had tried and tries to push me off track, I bounced back, slightly more deranged each time, but still on track. fight me bitch. attack me one more time. will smack shits out, full swing.

4 years ago, I almost dropped out of university altogether. But I decided to pick myself up, an emotional mess I was, I got myself into studying law (that’s the level of deranged I was at the time). 2 years into it, just when I was getting a hang of the whole “law” way of life, realising it was actually pretty lawless in terms of procedure, I received a mountain of rejections, telling me I was not good enough. 0 clerkships.

But again, I got back up, even more deranged. I got a job in the government, law enforcement should I add, litigation heavy, an area I swear in the first year of law school, I didn’t even want to touch. I participated in 0 competitions or debates throughout my entire schooling and university career. How the fk did I get into a litigation team?? Have you seen my face?? Do I look like I can enforce the law on anyone.

Just when I was settling in my job, juggling final year of study, full-time work, trying to get my fierce enforcement mode on and fit in the league, thinking I am finally getting a hang of adulting and less deranged, my dad gets diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.


Anyways, still alive, still progressing. oh my god, He is good. The fact He has so much patience to take care of a deranged child like me, (and many more others in fact). GOSH.

Can I say, this is not an end, maybe just an end of my deranged chapter, or least deranged. You really need to be a bit deranged in life to cope with a deranged lifestyle, because life in general, is quite deranged.

Happy deranging.


A Timothée Chalamet, etc Rant… toodles

Okay, so my new obsession is Timotheé Chalamet and I am so damn stoked for the new Little Women film (which he stars as olden day fuckboi Laurie).

Nah but honestly I’m stoked for this because I read the novel growing up, holy shit and I am and a dead-ass sucker for period movies. There’s something about old fashion romance that makes me swoon. Like no boy is man enough to rock up in front of the door or run after you in the fields and yell back at you that he loves you too (not that it ever happened in my life, because I have no field to run in anyway, also – can’t run). Therefor, these scenes have to be lived vicariously through movies and movies alone only. Can you subtly also tell why I am currently single, yes thank you next.

People might be snickering behind my back about these bullshit I swoon over, but lemme tell you, if you think this is bad, you have not seen me at my worst. I can’t remember when was the last time I sat through a Korean Drama, yes I used to be one of those and I now honestly cannot sit through 1 episode right now without cringing. Yes. CRINGE.

I don’t know why I used to find pleasure swooning over that. But period dramas are so much more different (same concept, argue with me, but still different). There’s a different intention in the traditional way of wooing that makes me go shit where that go.

I understand there is much more ‘modernisation’ in the new remakes of these period dramas, of giving females a stronger narrative and capability of decisions. Jo March’s line in the trailer got me dead, I’m so glad it was Saorise who plays it instead of Emma. But yes, I’m living for it, I know there’s a bit of controversy surrounding pro-feminism movement but HEY, LOOK, NOTHING WRONG WITH WOMEN KNOWING HOW TO DO SHIT.

Carey Mulligan is one of my absolute fave across all the British actresses in the period drama category (sorry Keira I love you too), I cannot get over the storyline in Far from the Maddingcrowd and it is by far the most underrated period movie so I am right now promoting and letting you know, go, watch.

Back to Little Women, I love how they portray that these men and fukboi Laurie are so obsessed and love them strong charactered women. WHERE’S MINE. okay maybe not an obsessed one, but I feel like modern day men are more towards the side of “love me an influencer bitch with grateble abs” and “a wholesome ABC”. Who somehow boasts to be a feminists, demand respect, but with underlying “choke me” vibes. Loves a vegan health diet with a side bottle of red wine and a box of cigarettes. Collects 112 indoor plants, because its contributory to a good environment but really they breathe the same air as you at night and give you more CO2 in your sleep. Want to chase a career but wanna be a Hot Tai Tai at the same time (it me). 

Alright sorry, not tearing anyone down (but I did), but this culture does give me a laugh in my excessive stressed out life. I’ll wait, I know my Timothee Chalamet issa round the corner, RUN FASTER BOI, my father want to see. (real one is apparently seeing Lily-Rose Depp and I 100% ship, my heart will break if they break, God protect them)

Anyway, Little Women drama and rant over. I have replayed the trailer a bit too many times. Also, Downton Abbey movie is OUT SOON TOO OMG.

Okay enough, I’ll end here.

if you spent and finished 3minutes of your time enduring my nonsense, it’s a taster to my friendship, we can be friends.

Mental fitness

The video is completely unrelated to this post, but I love it. It’s my current jam, the scenery is fantastic, the concept is genius and the director is cute. Name me a better formula for a kick ass MV. It exemplifies my life and current state, a mess but making the best out of it.

Dad got his drug prescription today, after 2.5 weeks of anxious waiting since his blood samples were sent to US and Singapore for further testing. Good news is that it’s an FDA approved drug and it is targeted cell-therapy, but he didn’t qualify for the clinical trial drug, which “is suppose to be more potent and effective, but we don’t know side effects.”

To be honest I don’t know if I should be happy or sad that he didn’t qualify. I went ham at drug researching instead of my delegated investigative tasks at work today, stumbled upon some false news that it would “increase dad’s lifespan by 40%” and reported said false news to my 2 group chats. Omg had to correct false news later on, got myself blue ticked. Well, whatta streak. that, kids, is not how you support an emotional welping human-being, blue ticking.

Anyways, humiliation aside. I survived a 3 day work conference and submitting 2 academic submissions on time. Writing this and reminding myself that my head is still above water, I’m still breathing and I’m fine. It is not an easy feat, juggling full-time work, study and an emotionally unstable household. I’m not trying to toot my horn but look, the lack of peer to peer feedback I have with human beings, I need to rely on self-assurance and let myself know that I’m still okay, because I am.

The conference taught me the concept of mental fitness. Just like how people put priority on physical fitness, train for an actual running marathon, boy why do we not train for mental marathons. This past month has been a mental marathon, heck I’m still running and I can’t afford to be tired with all the work I have on.

Thank you for some suggestions, to ask me to slow down, take a breather and maybe defer my studies. I don’t know how long my dad has left, but at stage 4, I want my dad to attend my graduation.

It is my final semester, my final academic run, bring on the next 2 months, I won’t be running alone because I’ll be running on faith and Jesus. Watch me.

Also, if you hopefully listened to the song by the end of the post, or even payed attention to the lyrics, its a beautiful message of embracing what’s now and not worry about the future

Beyond the Statistics, please

Hello hunnies, after a good 6 months of hiatus I’m back.

As you know, when I’m back, some shit surely went down and you’re sure as hell right because why else am I here. But I’ve left it 6 months too long and 6 months worth of journalling I may as well shoot my shot at asking Penguin Books to publish and monetise my life, but I ain’t about that life (yet). Also I have an assignment due tomorrow and I am now a full time adulting in the corporate world (I know! after all those sob stories of being jobless!!), so this piece is short, let’s hope.

Crink isn’t fully CRINKED if I don’t welp about this rollercoaster life, I’d rant about all the shit that went down, on how it has wrecked me and how I will survive the shits yet again. I did hunnies, I did and sometimes I’m glad I write them down because at times like these I can laugh at myself being the trivial bitch I can be about life and call those stuff massive, at the time.

So, straight to the point, my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer exactly a month ago.

He semi-collapsed a day he was due to fly back to KL, after a close-call to a cardiac arrest and an emergency procedure that saved his life, when you’d think God has answered your prayers and life is normal again. BOOM, sorry folks, your fam has cancer, not just any cancer but stage 4 absolute last stage of them all.

It’s been a month.

Have I processed the news yet? Nope. While life and routine has slowly regained it’s rhythm, I’m back at work and I’m getting back into the library on weekends again to remind myself I’m still a student. I haven’t fully grasped, or tried, to process the emotions fully out of this whole episode. I don’t even know how to feel or express myself each time someone asked me if I’m okay, or if I’m even coping okay?

Imagine 20-50 people asking you the same question.

I am? I mean straight after helping dad move to the oncology ward I’ve swung back into work full-time (neglected my studies though). I tried with all the strength and power I had to block emotions, despite crying all the fluids out of my body in the first 2 days of the news, to not let it detriment my life and career. I just got this new job. I was so fuelled by the “You are so strong” and “stay strong” comments that I left no room to slow down.

Dad was adamant for me to carry on normally with life, Life goes on Juanlin, I don’t want you to stop your life because of me. That fuelled me even more, wtf is emotions and all I did was push push go go and trust that God will handle the rest because, I know He does.

I’ve been absent from church, home group and even took a break from Youth. While it seems to paint a picture that I’ve fallen away due to this news, it hasn’t. God has showed me how much I needed Him, how much of the past few years has moulded me and even though I thought those years made me stronger, Oh child… you still need Me, don’t try this bullshit yourself.

God revealed that no matter how hard I try, I’m weak and only through His strength can I only pull through. So no, I am not strong.

To the people wondering how I’ve managed to weave through work, study, and juggling the heavy emotions at home the past month, God did. The month I’ve stayed away from church has pulled me the closest to God.

While yes I may have been a bit slightly unhinged in terms of language and so forth, slightly, I’m still my very own self. I’ve pulled back things due to the reputation I had to keep in front of u18s. But look, life pulls us and stretches us in various directions there is no one way formula to live it out. I was living through a formula as a youth leader and I think this little break has allowed me to breach out of my shell for a bit. I love it but it doesn’t mean I love God any less.

Now am I okay? Soz we went on a tangent

I can’t say I am neither am I not. The first 3 weeks post cancer news I couldn’t sleep. The first night after a good few hours of crying, I jolted out of bed. I had the weirdest 2 visions of one, a funeral, two, my dad walking me down the aisle. For the first 2 weeks, my body clock jolted me up at 3am sharp no matter what time I went to bed. To get myself a good 6 hours of sleep before work, I had to be in bed by 9pm, then roll around the bed from 3-6am.

I couldn’t eat. My appetite was a complete mess and as a person who binge ate every hour and struggled to lose weight over the years, I lost 2 kilos in a week. I didn’t even feel hungry at all. Even as my appetite slowly gained it’s momentum, I suddenly resisted it due to the weight loss that seemed to fuel the hole and desire I wanted for so long, filling the emotional distress that I was going through. I spent a good few days wrestling with myself at this building disorder and the validity of my emotions towards food. It’s still a battle and maybe, I might keep you posted.

Dad had his samples posted to USA and Singapore for further testing for his qualification for clinical trial drugs. This Tuesday, we’d possibly find out the results. At stage 4, you’d want anything to keep you alive, to keep your family alive, even if you have no idea what the drug can do and it’s side-effects yet known to the world.

I am clinging on to the second vision of my dad walking me down the aisle, I need him there. I don’t know what I’d do without him, as selfish as I am, I’m not ready to let him go. I’m praying for him to be there for my graduation, my Masters, my wedding and my children.

there is so much for him to see, please be there for him, I beg you. While I could have been a better daughter, I know You are merciful. It’s not just me, Ma and Maowen needs him too. Provide him a miracle, let my dad live beyond the statistics, please.