5 days ago, I reunited with a middle-school crush, after 10 years of not seeing each other.
This is something I’ve never verbalised or disclosed to anyone, in my almost 16 years of knowing him. (he doesn’t know it either)
He wasn’t the popular boy. He was the trouble-maker, the class-clown, the one the people were annoyed with and the one teachers loved to reprimand. If we knew what ADHD was back then, he would be the classic case of one. I didn’t know if he was popular among girls, but I knew another girl liked him badly. His stupidity and jokes weirdly appealed to me, especially in my final year of middle-school. I wasn’t the popular girl either and I would consider myself the ugly-duckling amongst the friendship groups I had in middle-high school. My self-confidence was always low as I compared myself to the girls whom the boys chased after, I knew I would never stand a chance going up against girls like these. I was also the nerd, whereby academics seemed the only thing that will pull through for me, like if I worked hard, I knew it’d get results (this logic only worked until my first year of uni where I failed everything). For boys, I knew no matter how much I tried, there were always people who would be better options than me. I couldn’t bring myself to throw myself around boys, I just didn’t have that in me. I mean I was loud and I can be your weird friend, but never the one to catch feelings for. I was always in the friend-zone with the boys and this status has not changed even as I moved to new circles in life.
We kept in touch after I left to Australia, through the usual following and friending of each other on our social media platforms. As time-passed, new friendship circles were made in new locations, the connection died off, the crush faded away and we only kept up of each other’s lives through what each party posted on social media. Just like any other distant friendship. However, I’ve been on his Close Friends list, I know it because I see his green circle stories. He’s not on mine (because we lost touch, I don’t know why I’m on his).
Over the years of my new life abroad, I developed new values, new friendships and new crushes (but none eventuating anything further). There was always another person, who was a better option. This solidified my high-school insecurities and ideology on relationships. It felt like a battle I knew I could not win. I started to channel more energy towards myself, towards my female friendships, my studies, Jesus, and now, my career. All things I felt like I could control. Like if I worked hard enough, I’d get that bonus or salary. If I felt like I wasn’t valued, I knew my worth enough to switch a job that would value my worth (took me 3.5 years, but I did it). Like if I prayed hard enough, God will answer my prayers.
Of course, recent events showed me that prayers didn’t necessarily work that way, especially when I lost my father to cancer. That being said, I still hold my faith, though shaken, it still helped me pull through this dark season.
He reached out to me via a message shortly after may father passed away. He was one of the hundreds that had reacted to my social media post that announced my father’s passing (as I am the oldest child). It had been years since we last spoke. Besides the random reactions on our social media posts and stories over the years, we had barely interacted. At the time of his message, I had forgotten the last time we met, I even forgot when our last interaction was, but a message from an old friend after all these years, triggered something within me to respond, despite having no connection all these years.
He told me he was still in touch with the boys in my cohort, in fact, they meet regularly. He told me I was brought up recently in one of their conversations.
Me? Brought up in conversations? the ugly nerd? This is news. What did I do wrong.
I had a trip planned to go back to Malaysia at the time we reconnected, it was a trip to re-coup and settle my father’s remaining stuff back home. A short trip and quite honestly, an emotionally charged trip with a packed schedule that would be mentally challenging from walking through all the memories of my father. It would be the first trip back to Malaysia without my father around.
I had made several trips back over the years since my migration, however he was never someone I reached out to during my annual trips back. Spending time with my father was always the priority all those trips back over the years. I surprised myself when I informed him of my trip, especially the fact that I suggested we should catch up in person, since it’s been a while. Maybe my father’s passing spurred something in me, or maybe I was just in a vulnerable state, who knows.
Months passed after that initial interaction and as the trip approached, I did not arrange a time to meet, neither did he.
I touched down in KL and carried on with my intended packed schedule, there were things to do, problems to settle, other friends and family to meet, with other emotions to handle. I had enough emotions on my plate.
As I was going about my intended Malaysia schedule, I received a message from another guy, one of the boys in my cohort who was regularly in touch with him. So apparently, he had told the whole gang the dates I was coming back, but… he did not reach out? Someone else did? The cheek of him. I responded to the guy that I was busy on a packed schedule (I wasn’t lying) and may struggle to meet and continued on with my day.
But, it bothered me. Why did someone else, whom I did not inform, knew I was back and reached out. When he did not?? Was he expecting me to? I went back to our message history to re-jog my memory on what was said to him.
To be fair, months had passed since our last message. He was probably expecting me to contact him when I landed or inform him my plans closer to the date. I had an internal monologue of who should be the one to reach out first as I scrolled through the (very short) message history. As I was the initiator of said in-person catch up, I settled that I should be the one to follow through this through and reach out. I gave him the date and time of my only window of freedom in this packed emotional trip down memory lane.
He responded. He’s free. Omg, we have to meet, damn it.
No other responses of where to meet, so I picked the closest location I could to myself, a 2 min walk from home. (At the time, I had no idea where he stayed).
On the day we were supposed to meet, I had an Eastern Physio appointment scheduled by my aunt and it was located near my old middle school, the place we met. There were many new routes to this Physio, but my aunt decided to specifically take the route down Jalan Ampang, the street of THE school, that very day. I saw my abandoned school in its ruins, the corridors I used to run in now a jungle with the building frames still intact but rusted. What the actual flying feck, it is still around. My school was on prime real estate but no one has decided to pick it up? (The school has moved to a new campus, it’s still around, its the old campus that’s in ruins)
Seeing the school triggered more memories, the memories of my dad driving me to school and just everything, the good and the bad that I had experience over the years on that campus. It didn’t help knowing I was scheduled to meet him that night for supper. WTF, what a day to drive by my school after donkey years passed. I quickly messaged him to see if anyone else from our cohort will be joining, nope, just him.
He arrived on time, I was late. I made myself even more late, by messaging him that I had to go to toilet, stalling time. wtf, I felt like a school girl.
I was nervous oh my god. I didn’t even have a crush on him anymore and I knew from the grapevine that he had girlfriends since we last met. I’ve even seen them on social media and reacted to them before. His current status, I had no idea, he could be hitched?! Why am I nervous! I was still sweating balls. I guess it was just the nerves of meeting someone you know after 10 years of not talking or seeing each other. It would’ve been better if there was a third person or just in a group setting, why just us two? What if there was nothing to be talked about, are we gonna stare at each other in awkward silence? Why did I initiate this and why did he agree to it, who is the insane one?? Me.
And holy shit. There he was. He actually turned up and looked better than he did in school, now he has a bloody stache and omg, tattoos. (T_T, I like boys with tatts arghh, he aged well and I just grew fatter with a bob hair)
He remembered the last event we met at before we lost contact, I did not. A party apparently, what party?
We chatted, caught up, talked about our lives and everything except of what either of our relationship status was, or anything to do with relationships for that matter.
He did mention he grew close with one of the boys in our cohort as they were both “going through a break-up at the same time”. That was it. As for me, there were no status updates to provide in the first place as nothing has changed since we last met. Just me and the same old insecurities.
The whole trip, I refrained myself from posting on social media. Even my best highlights of climbing Batu Caves in the rain with my best friend, I did not post it, because I didn’t feel like announcing I was back home. He decides to take a selfie of us and posted it on Instagram. Oh my goodness and tags me in the photo. He posts it while we are still together at the restaurant and not long after, he receives some notifications. He gets excited, saying it would be our old schoolmates who are keen to see me back, and us together. He looks at the notifications and continues on to another topic, because clearly, it was not one of our mutual friends.
As it started to approach 11pm and the wait staff asked us for any last orders, we decided to go home. I discovered he had traveled far and he took a scooter, he offered me a ride back until we stood up and noticed I was in a skirt, not exactly scooter friendly attire. Guess what, he walked me home. He walked me HOME and walked BACK to the location. I was planning to walk home myself, hence to choice of location.
I don’t know, I guess I never had that many nice gestures from guys to compare it to over the last 28 years of my life (because I’m the nerd). It’s probably a standard chilvary behaviour, but look, I’m the nerd and that’s not what I get. So when I get it, it’s a wow moment for me. It also took me 12 hours to process that he actually posted a photo of us on social media, like why what how ? Is he expecting me to repost?? Anyways, if you’re curious, I did repost it on mine, 12 hours later.
I’m back in Australia now. Besides the “it was nice to meet you! we should keep in touch!” exchanges after our meet, we have yet to interact. I’ve sent a couple of messages to him to try and kickstart a conversation before my flight home, but they all fell flat. I have finally added him on my Close Friends list on Instagram, (I never added him on mine because we weren’t close when this feature was introduced? I don’t know why I’m on his). Anyway, I’m sure he’d realise from my close friends posting schedule that he’s been only a recent add.
This trip triggered more memories and emotions than I had expected and derailed my first 2 days back at work. My focus was off.
I miss my dad more than ever now and I’ve added someone else to miss, someone I’m not even actually talking to and not even close. I really don’t know what I’m missing. His now silence has triggered my old insecurities more than ever, maybe our interaction made him fly back to his ex? I have become more confused as ever.
I need to get back on track, the holiday (that wasn’t one) is now over.
I now look at my ever packed schedule since coming home (always packed). I’m off to the Hunter Valley for a work-trip in 3 days, a flight to catch after just landing from one, my Masters of Laws course is off to my final year (I hope to finish it and officially end my academia obsession). I’m back to burying myself into what I do best, what I can control, what I think will keep me in check and on-track for a better life. She’s booked and busy, I tell myself.
But deep down, I don’t know what she’s missing, I don’t know if she’s on the right track. She just wants to be happy and she’s not.
She’s just coping. She is surviving, but not thriving. I pray to God for the day she gets to thrive. Meanwhile, she’s catching flights not feelings.
P/S: I can officially say after this rant post. I do not miss him and she’s off to carry on with life. Now time to catch up with lectures on Financial Crime Law. Don’t derail me again.
Crink 