There will be better plans

My heart sank when I saw the email. I dreaded checking the email because I feared the outcome, true enough, it came to life.

I thought I should give an update of my yesterday’s cries, unfortunately like everyone else, we pray for a happy ending and expect a happy ending through prayer because.. “if God is for us, what can stand against us..” right?

Well, I didn’t get my 10%.

The lecturer pretty much bluntly told be that deadline means DEADLINE. I understand his perspective, if he was to give me marks he would have to give everyone else and thats not fair to those who did submit on time.

This doesn’t mean I do not believe in miracles, this doesn’t mean I’ve completely lost my faith in everything and what holds for me. Like I said, this is not and can’t be.. my fight. It’s useless to fight with a hard-headed American man.

I thought I should say, though I was reluctant to, that I’m doing a 40 day fast. All these events unfolded since Day 1 of my fast. It’s like the devil is truly testing me. I wanted to do this Fast and Pray thing for a while, I heard people doing it and my mother did it too. I desperately need a new lease in my life and somehow or rather, I felt like I should end my postponing of it and go straight in, even though it’s exams period and I need brainfood.

No solid foods after 6pm. It’s my first time doing some kind of fast. I wanted to fast Facebook but I got myself into so much trouble after my deactivation as I was an event creator of one of my church fundraiser events and the whole thing with 300 over invites went down.

It may sound easy for some of you. But I love food, my mouth is always in a constant chewing motion, my mum calls it an “itchy mouth”. The first day I did it, I could hear the stomach performing and orchestra 2 hours after my smoothie. Okay, my reflex action would be to grab some cookies and biscuits. oh my goodness but I can’t….

It was so hard. The temptation was real. Everyone says food fasting is for experienced fasters… oh gosh.

Day 1: I was internally crying.
Day 2: I went to bed early to prevent the feelings of wanting food.
Day 3… well today is Day 3.

I’m having a Young Adults meet tonight and it involves food. But this verse I came across in Day 1 made me wonder if it was something I should reveal to the others around me…

“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

  • Mathew 6:16-18

Well then.. God knows. It’l be pretty obvious if I tell them I don’t want to eat, or they will worry I’ve contracted some eating disorder (which happened before when I declined food). I’m not skinny I tell you, I’m actually bigger than average girls my height, I still don’t know why they’d worry.. but it’s also nice to know they care for my health.

I’ve decided to fast lunch. NO SOLIDS FOR THE WHOLE OF MID DAY. Just got myself a Boost smoothie… lets see how we’ll last.

I heard my youth pastor said this once, “God doesn’t answer our prayers sometimes because there are greater things and greater plans..” May not be the exact quote but it’s somewhere along those lines.

Happy Wednesday people. Try not to be upset. If I’m not, you shouldn’t be. God is with you I promise, even if you can’t feel it, He is.

Fight for me God

My whole body is spinning. There is a chance of me right now losing a whole 10% of my subject grade because I did not log onto the internet. By the time I logged back on, there was a ruthless message with a clear NO MERCY tone in it.

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I wanted to cry (again). I texted my parents telling them that all hope is lost. I missed the first chance and second chance. NO NEGOTIATIONS.

Mum said to submit a pity email and that God will give a chance

I did.

I don’t know the outcome. It’s terrible. The feeling is terrible, 10 marks means a lot to me, it determines a pass or fail.

I’m just praying so hard. I don’t know how to fight anymore. I feel so scared the lecturer will not see my email amongst the midst of probably a 100 other slacker students who are appealing for his mercy. But this verse came into my mind

The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still.

  • Exodus 14:14

I have no power. The lecturer is a ruthless American. But God has won wars unimaginable. If God helped David slay, He will help me. I am just praying with all my strength, for God to hear my prayer, for God to please fight for me.

With all that is currently going on in my life, I just need this simple prayer answered. I really need to know that everything is okay, that everything will be alright.

Please Jesus please

Library Feels

Currently waiting for my lecture to load in the local library and this is the downloading speed

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Not quite the start I wanted for the morning. I woke up at 7.30am, ready to start SWOTVAC (aussie study vacation, it’s not even a vacation). I know I haven’t been the best student this semester even though I needed to be, I spent it on worrying what I was gonna be in the future instead of studying hard. I let all of it get the better of me, now 3 weeks to the exam with 2 assignments due, I realized the urgency to finally get my shit together (which is pretty late) and then the internet gives me this.

I want to cry.

But no, I won’t cry.

I have a policy, my own little policy with myself that I don’t cry in public (unless it is from laughing…  that’s uncontrollable).

To top it off, there’s a crazy old lady not far away, talking on the phone in loudspeaker VERY LOUDLY, talking about her blood bank issues and blood problems. She got told off by the librarian, she nodded her head and continued the phone call, this time WHISPERING LOUDLY into a STILL A LOUDSPEAKER PHONE CALL.

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Thank God, some brave boy walked up to her and told her straight-up to put it back to normal mode and insisted he’s trying to study. Thank you brave boy, your deeds are very much appreciated.

I really need the peace and focus today. I need it so bad.

God please, Please, PLease PLEase, PLEAse, PLEASE…

Help me and deliver me from this disorder I am in… In Jesus Name.

Take The Wheel

I’m not really big on country music but I love Carrie Underwood. It was this very song that made me love her. I had it on my old iPod before it crashed and my iTunes library got lost last year and I had to redownload all my music again, this song got lost in the process.

Being the freebie sucker I am… I was browsing OzBargain when procrastinating from studying the test which I just did (which I really hope I pass with God’s grace), I found a deal on GooglePlay where Carrie Underwood’s album was up for free. I’m a Mac user, so honestly if I ever saw GooglePlay I don’t bat an eyelid but “Carrie Underwood” caught my eye. I opened and lo and behold… I found the song. I downloaded it and synced it to my iPod straightaway.

I listened to the song on the bus ride home. All the feels.

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Really. Hits you right in the feels, especially if you’re going through uncertain times… like I am. To suddenly plop a free Carrie Underwood in my hands, with a song like this… not coincidental.

I’m swapping uni courses. Possibly universities. I don’t know which or what but I know for sure I’m not happy where I am. I used to think being in Australia’s top university, I was set for life. I’m far from set right now, to be honest, I don’t know where I am or heading to.

My standard of failure before uni life was passing. Now my passes aren’t even reachable, my fails were actual fails and every time I had to do and exam or submit an assignment, I feel the anxiety creep in. 12 years of schooling and education, I’ve never felt that way before, exams actually got me excited (no joke). I feel happy completing an exam or test and I actually have the mood to celebrate.

Now a days, pre-exam and post-exam feelings are equally as depressing. When I tell people where and what I’m studying, they tell me I’m a smart kid. Yea I was probably smart enough to get in, but now I’m not even smart enough to stay in it. Being in this course actually makes me feel like a failure, and its a feeling I’ve been having for the past 2 years. I’m sick of it.

I came from a school where the course and the name of your institution matters. I came from a social circle where the type of course you’re sets your future. It is such a set, traditional mindset. I’ve tried my best to cut the fit but clearly it is not working.

Last month, I reopened VTAC for the first time since Year 12. Old Year 12 memories and the voices of my high school teachers swarmed my memories, “Your parents paid so much money to send you to this school not to end up in Deakin or Latrobe.” (I always hated that teacher to be honest, she hated me too) It really influenced a lot of the decisions my peers and I made, half my friends ended up in the same uni, I honestly felt like I didn’t leave high school.

If I ended up in Monash or Melbourne Uni again, I’ll be seeing a lot my peers from my old school. With that classic advice from my old high school teachers, 50% of the girls from my cohort ended up in those 2 universities, 30% overseas,  20% rebels.

I need a new start.

I want to start a new leaf.

I don’t know what course I’m doing yet

But Jesus take the Wheel, Take me from this road I’m on.

I don’t know what I want. But I know He knows, I know He will make me happy. If He chooses for me, I’ll be happy. For the first time in my life, I’m not setting my own future, I’m letting God decide.

I’ll wait till January 2016 to find out.

Miss you Piau Ko

It’s about a month since we heard the news. We still miss you more than ever.

It’ll be very hard to fill that hole you had left us with.

Your joy and energy is something that cannot be replaced.

Still trying to come to terms with why God had to take you so soon.

Rest in Peace Piau…

Your memories will always be in our hearts, always alive.

You can’t fight fire with fire

If you add up a couple of small flames together, it grows, it rages, it burns. That’s how it damages things. No matter how small the flame is, it will always be moving, waiting for action, waiting for another flame for the rage.

Hence, you can’t fight fire with fire. It builds.

Being an elder sister isn’t easy. Especially when your younger sibling is filled with raging hormones, they’re  on fire… all the time. It’s not that they can contain that rage to themselves, it builds on you, sometimes it burns, so hard that it could damage a relationship.

Anything can trigger it to be honest. Sometimes I don’t really know how to handle it anymore. I do admit I’m not a saint. I have my own little flames and rages now and then, plus it doesn’t help much when it happens the same time as my brother.

Simple stuff I have to keep reminding myself to prevent the fire from building..

Leave him alone
It’s hard. As a sister you do care, you want to give that input you can as an elder sibling and hopefully he’ll learn from it. But nah. He just rages. He doesn’t need another mother or father. The more I say, the more he views me as his “enemy” or “third parent”. He rages.
It hurts to know you can’t be his role model. But for the sake of keeping the bridge between us and keeping it from burning, I have to leave him alone. I can only pray. Only God can help him, sometimes I have to accept that it just can’t be from me.

Pray
As I said above. It is so important, yet so easily forgotten, because the fire just builds so fast and it gets carried away. The rage can be strong, sometimes too fast too soon.  I used to regret so much once the rage happens, I fill myself with guilt and tears. I get scolded by my parents and the fire sometimes even just builds. I’ve learnt the only way to dampen that flame is through prayer. No matter how big the fire gets, the only way I’ve found that has helped diminish it, as cliche as it seems, is through prayer. It doesn’t just put the fire away, it can prevent it. I know that is harder, because we get carried away, however many times it has helped. It takes a lot of strength, and only God can give that strength.

Give time for yourself
It sounds really selfish. But sometimes it’s for the better. I realised the more time I spend with my brother, the more I see his flaws, the more tempted I feel to correct him, the higher the chances on building on the flame. If you don’t give time to yourself and constantly caring about them, it jeopardises your own work. Personal experience, I failed my subjects in uni. I was so welled up in my family’s issues, I neglected my own. Spending more time in the library helped. I learnt to focus on myself. Focussing on yourself sometimes helps, it helps to fix your flaws and it will also help with your relationship with the other person, because we are not always perfect. It takes two to make it happen.

Be the water, not the fire. Be the light, not the dark. It’s hard but it’s worth it. I’m not gonna sugar-coat it and tell you it’s easy, because I know it isn’t. It takes effort to be the better one, but it’s better than not putting effort at all. At least  you did your part.

In true Proverbs fashion:

A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
– Proverbs 15:18

Sometimes, it’s okay to let it go and let it be. Leave it to the One who knows how.