Weak knees

There’s this saying and belief where people say, “When you go weak in the knees, it’s love”.

Well I felt love today. The love of God, the love of Jesus.

“Dear God I pray for this girl oh Lord, I pray that You will take away her fear, take away all that doubts and fill her with confidence Lord, let her be confident.”

I’ve never met this lady in my life, yet she was praying about the one of my greatest struggles – confidence. Just in the morning I was telling a friend that I was still struggling with it. It has been and still is, one of my greatest weaknesses and it kills me everytime.

I seriously don’t know this woman. I’ve never laid my eyes on her until today.

It was after today’s prayer conference hosted by my church, conducted by a guest pastor from Kenya, who is by the way incredible amazeballs. Like true charismatic/pentocostal fashion, they would have this altar call calling people to the front to be “filled by the Spirit”. This time they specifically called out the young people and my parents shoved me out of my seat. I insisted I was old, I’ve never felt the desire to feel so old until then, but age could not deny me and I went out anyway.

This isn’t the first type of altar call I’ve witnessed. I’ve been to a few conferences with similar situations but I’ve always been the observer… always. I would see these people falling down, shaking, vibrating and of course… speaking in tongues. (these things happen when you get filled by the Holy Spirit, it’s meant to be normal).I feel scared seeing these people getting possessed and screaming and shaking and falling everywhere. I’ve only been exposed to these type of experiences in my later christian life and I’m still getting used and trying to get my head around it.

Elders were roaming around the young people, slapping their palms on our heads, stomachs and any body part they could reach. The next things I knew, some girl fell in front of me, she was shaking pretty heavily then fell to the ground still. No, she did not die. This is the first time I’ve seen someone fall in this church. Elders started covering her in blankets, I don’t know why but my parents think it’s to prevent further shivering from the chill, seriously… it wasn’t cold.

Then the lady came, popped out of no where like those creepy kids you hate from pranking. She laid a hand on my stomach and on my back. She said that prayer and as she prayed, she swayed me back and forth. I seriously felt like she wanted me to fall.

At first it was her, then suddenly my knees grew weak. No it wasn’t cold, No it’s not from post-ACL surgery trauma because it’ll be 2 years late. As it grew weak, it started to shake. I bobbed up and down. I could sense people around me, I open my eyes slightly and I saw someone with a blanket on the ready. Oh no… they are waiting for me to fall. No! Not in front of all these people.

Thinking about it now, it’s ironic how she was praying for me to not be scared and I was still afraid to fall. I admit, I could’ve fell. My knees were weak, not the familiar weak from the days after my surgery, it was a different kind of weak and I knew it. Yet I managed to stay upright after it all. I guess the elders gave up and grabbed their blankets away.

After it all, I was frustrated with myself that I did not let myself fall. I was still consciously making myself try to stand despite feeling weak in the knees and swaying about like a scarecrow. Yet I was curious about my knees. On the way home in the car, I could still feel the post-shake feel in the knees.

Then it hit me. What I felt was God’s love. No it wasn’t because I thought of the saying suddenly. I was overwhelmed by a certain feeling at the time and I knew it was supernatural and I knew it was God. It was just that through all the observation I had through my experiences, I felt that it would be in a certain way.

Just because people fell, doesn’t mean I should.
Just because people cried, doesn’t mean I should.
Just because people yell and scream, doesn’t mean I should.

If I did because everyone was doing it, it’s not me. It would merely and imitation, a gesture to fit in. Believe it or not, I do believe there are people out there who follow along because they believe that is the right way and the only way to experience God.

This is my own personal belief. I do believe we experience the Holy Spirit/God differently.

I felt God’s love, it was more than good enough for me. The fact He could send a random stranger to pray about something I was struggling with,  my self-confidence. That was love. He was showing me that He cared and it would be something that I will eventually overcome with His help.

Personality Tests. Introversion. Bubbles.

“Yeah it was a good thing you went up there to talk, it brought you out of your shell for a bit.”

My shell

My shell… or bubble?

I got this comment which was meant to be a compliment for an introvert after I did a public testimony on my faith. That was one rare occasion I am not sure if I will be repeating again anytime soon. To be honest I don’t know what is my shell. The world, the society, everything tried to define a person within boxes. Recently I’ve been thrown at with a lot of personality tests, which resulted in this.INFP

16personalities.com gives you like a detailed description of your life, how it will turn out and if you don’t know how to run your life, they’d tell you how to too. They predict your married life and your careers… woah like whut? I’ll have to admit, reading my profile they gave me about being an INFP, it was pretty accurate.

Yes, I am reserved and private.
Yes, I day-dreamed lots.
Yes, I love writing… but I wouldn’t say I’m poetic.
Yes, I love my feelings and instinct, I’m pretty much a whishy-washy person. People hate me so much for this.

But hey… that’s what they say. As I continued reading about “myself”, I kept having moments of AHAHA that is SO MEEE! I even shared the link with all my friends saying it’s like the “best test ever!” and that everyone should give it a go to “discover themselves” seriously I was acting like such a bimbo

Then my close friend texted me.
” Are you sure that’s you? YOU’RE AN INTROVERT? wait hold on a minute, YOU ARE NOT. Oh, are you sure you’re this and that?”

It made me reflect on my life.

The test said I was the most introverted among my friends, the friends I lived with in boarding school. The friends whom I annoyed banging on doors and them doing vice-versa back on me. They lived with me. They’ve seen me running through the corridors like a mad woman and climbing the gates and defying rules like a monkey. My primary school friends have witnessed my racing games with teachers trying to hunt me down to cane me. That is not an introverted kid. That is a mad girl that needs to be held down and disciplined straight up on how to be a lady. My mum believes, to this day, I can’t find a husband if I continued this way.

The test said I was a feeler. Yes I am. I get affected now and then when my emotions run mad with my family issues and home situations, I find it hard to concentrate, to focus. Then again, ADHD is genetic and it runs in my family. I secretly believe I am mildly one which is the cause of my hyperactivity as well as strayed mind. If I was really that much of a feeler and let my emotions run me..

  • I wouldn’t have survived depression alone in the boarding house. But I did. No one knew I had it. I controlled it really hard, I exercised how to control my emotions so well during that period of time. I made sure I cried myself to sleep past midnight, when no one would enter my room. I made sure none of my friends or family found out. There were obvious changes in myself but I stayed strong, inside I was dying so badly and I felt like life was not worth living anymore, yet on the outside my mad woman trait was still existing, to keep me strong. I made sure it was secret. The only person I couldn’t run away from was God, He brought me out of that ditch. Sometimes you can’t hide everything.
  • I probably would’ve had a boyfriend. But I told myself to not let my feelings run. I was a student, still am a student. I have priorities and I ain’t got time. God has to be my centre and my studies next. I had so much to do in my life and I do not want another person to ruin it, not yet.. not now. I know in my previous post I mentioned about lack of boys, that plays a part in too but I never got desperate despite my friends coupling up everywhere. I don’t think it is just an INFP thing to be affected about this. Yet as an INFP, I controlled this emotion better than anyone I knew who wasn’t what I am. A desperate girl who lets her feelings run her can jump on anyone and get herself in a stupid relationship, I didn’t.
  • I was a prefect in highschool. Yes, a prefect. Those kids with fancy uniforms who police you around and everyone hates them because they think they’re boss. We are.. lol. I don’t know how one can be a prefect if they weren’t stern, the number of kids that can run over your head, it can drive you mad. Feelings certainly can’t drive you. As a leader, you had to be systematic to get things done, which I’m pretty sure I was because I had to get stuff done… if my memory is still good. To be completely honest, I didn’t know how I got chosen. A mad kid like me who gets canned heaps in primary school. Still unbelievable.

In the end of the day, who defines you? Who are you going to let in to tell you how you are suppose to live?

Yes I agree that I do relate to those traits. I believe despite that extreme description of my monkey self, I’m an introvert inside out. But I am not an ordinary introvert.

People illustrate introverts as people in their little bubbles. We create and rejuvenate our energy from within our bubbles alone, unlike extroverts who absorb this energy from other people. We are portrayed as this solemn kid sitting in the corner of our bubble trying to “get out energy”. 

I am not that.

I love my bubble. LOVE IT. My bubble is my life. My bubble is just God and I, me and God. We get energy together, we are a team, that’s how I’ve been surviving. BUT, I don’t cower in the conner like a sad kid in the bubble being sad and all that nonsense. Seriously that is not how I work and probably I hope I speak for others.

In my bubble, I jump like a mad dog. By my self.  That’s right, in true introversion fashion. I get my energy by myself, but I am mad as. I release all that hyperactivity and energy I have been containing and holding in and release them everywhere in my bubble when I am alone. I can do the freaking hakka okay

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Just like how introverts are described, we do let people in our bubble, but only a few. That is when my close friends and family come in. They have seen me in my bubble. They know I am mad. They are the only ones who know my madness because I let them into my bubble.

Of course, there are times I kick them out of the bubble, if they were permanently in there, I wouldn’t like it and that wouldn’t make me an introvert anyway. People outside my bubble, they see me as this serene kid, no nonsense and the perfect description of an INFP. They weren’t my comfort people and I’m sure as not going to let them in to see my cray cray self, no one would want to be my friend. That’s when my reserved characteristic comes in, I do observe the people around me, I will make sure I know you well enough to let you in to this crazy turbulent (as described) world that possesses me.

I did the exact same test as part of my mission trip training that I will taking at the end of the year to the Philippines. My pastor wanted to get to know his team a little better. My results popped up INFP again. He agreed fully as I read the descriptions of myself to the rest of the team (we had to “get to know each other”): quiet, contained, private, reserved. Pure stereotypical introversion style. I guess in a way I have set of a pace and style to the team to not tick me off and stay away from my bubble.

It is quite the privilege… to have the key into an introvert’s bubble. I also believe there is no set amount of people that can be in the bubble. To enter the bubble you will have to have a key, but you disrespect the times you are allowed or not allowed into the bubble, your key gets confiscated. As I socialise more, more people will get this key to my bubble. Sometimes I give it a little to early, sometimes it takes me ages to give it out. It is so rare to find people who respect the bubble space, but so far my pickiness on bubble keys have been successful, I’ve never really confiscated much bubble keys before hahaha

Trust me. You would want to be in my bubble.

WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A BALL IN MY BIG BOUNCY INFLATABLE BIG BUBBLE BALLIE like whooo! Because I BOUNCE.

ignore that

Personality tests are not 100%. It may help give you an idea of a person but it doesn’t define them. You don’t get to know a person by just reading their online profile, that’s just as stupid as 9 + 10 = 21. Talk to them, socialise and actually take the effort to spend time and get to know them. You can’t just pop into an introvert’s bubble, you earn it. Well, some people work less harder than others. It would be honestly such an insult to God and His creation if he only made 16 personalities. Really?? What happened to His infinite potential?

God created me as I am. I am happy as I am. I am created to have problems too but I am engineered to lean on Him to get advice, lean on Him for strength.

God is my bubble.

Tunes Tunes Tunes 1.0

I wouldn’t say I’m musical but I love music. It’s hard to hate music when you love dance.

Music + Dance = Marriage Package

I’m going to start doing this weekly music review of all these crazy awesome tunes I hear during my week. So yes, you’ll get to discover a bit of me in this process. People say music tells a lot about a person. Okay maybe it’s not just a bit of me then.

Anyways!

Meghan Trainor just dropped this beat and it’s BANGING!

love it. Everything. love it.

Ella Henderson is my favourite powerhouse right now. I’ve got her whole album and it is freaking powerboom all the way. This is her rendition of You Got The Love.

ack so good.

Last but not least. Ed Sheeran. Guys, this is my future wedding song. Yes this is part of my future I am going to predict. The face of the man waiting for me at the end of the aisle is still blank, but yes.. this song.
it’s my overplayed song on my ipod this week.

omg. the dance. won my heart.

also, I should let you know, I got tickets to his concert.

ahhhhaaaaa wheeeee dooooopie!

future husband, take note, this is gonna be our dance. don’t drop me.

So yes! Here we go! I have a very wide range of music genres that I listen to, that’s my style. Well hopefully that tells you more about me hohoho

Funny Convos, Funny friends, Funny internet finds: 2.0

I’d like to think I’m funny. But reality is that I’m not. I’m funny because my friends are funny and I laugh at them and they laugh at me laughing. I laugh at everything. I’m currently at the library on a common table surrounded by 6 strangers, I’ve just silently laughed at my iMessage convo with a friends and watched a funny vid, I get strange stares, not because I’m funny but because I’m weird and they’re not my friends.

Because I laugh so much. I have this fear I’ll be a weird bride. Watching this video made me realize that is critical that I should start that ab control practice for my wedding day, because judging at my current laugh-state (my friends can testify), I could end up like this bride.

If not, never married. My mama says my laughter will never get me a husband.

click the photo for video

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Also my funny friend, who gave me the permission to post this

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Also my internet findings:

Disclaimer: I stalk these myself, not 9gag/buzzfeed material. If it is, it’s pure coincidence

A comment from this video

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Also… this is not funny. But more of how uncultured the people of Melbourne are still these days. The post has been deleted, but I thankfully did a screenshot before it did. Racism still exists, even when this is supposedly the “World’s best city to live in”. Everyone comes flocking here for fairytales, but no, it’s not.

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I’m not saying I hate Melbourne. I love it here. I was born here, this is my birth country and I’ve grown to love it again after spending my childhood abroad for a very long time. Immigration is never a fairytale, it takes effort to fit in. From personal experience: It’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Sometimes, fitting in is a chance at survival. Of course, don’t lose a part of yourself.

Trust.

I know it is a word that’s being used in quite a sarcastic tone now a days. But 2 days ago, it made me realise how important it is and what it really means to actually believe in it and that it actually worked.

I had my Anatomy mid-semester test on Tuesday. I winged it so hard, I was so not prepared but I wasn’t nervous or anything. I was so chilled which is pretty rare for me for an unprepared test. That’s not the point though… I was too chilled for it that I even woke up late for it.

Natural reflex when one is late to a test worth 15% of the grade is to panic. If I was to take the bus to uni like I usually do, I would be late and can kiss my test goodbye. I didn’t cover the whole syllabus required for the test, I knew it was going to be a test filled with guesses, if I missed it the difference wouldn’t be massive. But I don’t miss out on tests, even if I can get only a 2% out of it I don’t care. I panicked out of my lateness instead of unprepared-for-a-test state.

I decided to get on the car. My mum was dropping my brother to school anyway. He goes to school at Kew (near the city), which isn’t far from from uni (in the city).

My test starts at 9am. We dropped my brother off at school at 8.30am. Barkers Road traffic was stagnant. Instant reaction: die die die.

Mum decided to do some de-tours to avoid traffic. Each turn we made turned out worse, the traffic got heavier, no one was moving. We were stuck dead-on. She was obviously pissed at me, she had the right to be and I was pissed at myself, it was my fault after all.

After a few illegal turns, we ended up on the freeway and got on Alexandra Parade. Traffic still stagnant like any other road we were on. die die die.

I decided to plug my earphones in, pressed play on the iPod. Listening to my mother’s scolding wasn’t going to help me further and it was not the kind of mood I want to go into an un-prepared test for. Guess what was playing… of all the songs.

Yes. They were singing about trusting God too. As the lyrics go on “I will trust in Youuuuuuu, I will trust in Youuuuuuuu…” It’s not normally a song I would listen, I like my fast beat songs by Hillsong, Michelle Williams, Planetshakers, etc. I continued listening anyway. I looked out the window, the traffic was still stone as, no one was moving, it’s 8.57am. die die die.

I said a silent short prayer in my head. Okay God, I’m gonna trust you okay, if that’s what you want. Deep down I was crying but I trusted Him anyway, because the song kept going on about it. It is sometimes hard for me because of what happened ages ago during the ski trip, but I knew deep down I couldn’t use a single incident to justify everything He did for me.

I arrived at uni at 9.03am. I ran to the hall. Panting… as I reached.. I recognized someone from my subject standing outside the hall, then another, then another and another one. What? Aren’t they suppose to start?? I AM LATE.

“There was a stuff up with the venue, clash or something, so we’re starting late. The supervisors are late to, they’re setting up now.”

OH WOW.

OH WOW.

So this is TRUST.

IT WORKS.

IT IS REAL.

These little things that happen in my life, these small yet incredibly favours God does for me, just to remind me He is out there, He has my back. It is these things that happen that reassures me He is real and that He is alive in me. I believe it works for everyone, I believe my God is everyone’s God and that He loves everyone deep down no matter what. It is the step of faith you take to believe in him, the amount of trust you have in Him.

No, He never always gives immediate answers. There are times He makes us wait so long and it frustrates me too, every vessel of my body. But He does these small little things for me to remind me that He is still around looking after me, I’m still okay. I swear I know it’s Him, only God can make something like that happen, changing the schedule of the test and all, it’s mighty crazy and hard to believe, but I believe he played that song too.

God is good. He gives me strength to carry on in this crazy world.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (NIV)”