Dreams and Wishes

I’ve just stumbled onto her cover of this Disney Classic song. It just brought me back to my childhood of “totally doing nothing” and just sitting in the loungeroom watching all my Disney tape collection five times a week, with lots of dreaming involved of course. In all honesty, I have anticipating to watch this film since it announced production but it has been months since it’s release and I still haven’t watched it! -cries- Blaming it on my crazy hectic schedule. Just saying, Lily James totally slayed this song and it’s my favourite version of it. Not the sleepy version of the original in the same time retaining it’s classical elements without adding the pop-styled nonsense. (I don’t hate pop music, I just don’t like it when they get added to a classic, they don’t mix right)

Of course, my childhood dreams and current realities didn’t go hand in hand. I’m a struggling university kid now and doing crap degree. No Disney doesn’t portray reality, but it doesn’t mean disappointment. Strangely enough, watching that video just brought me back the same innocent child-like happiness I had and the longing to dream. Yes, given the happiness is only lasting for less than 5 minutes before I have to snap back to reality, I still love it and I freaking cherish it.

This Disney part of me is definitely the girly part of me, sans the ballet upbringing. But wasn’t that lopsided a girly girl, my absolute favourite Disney films includes the animal ones, Simba was my first ever TV crush and it worries some of my friends because he wasn’t even human LOL. I am hardcore when it comes to Disney and no one can mess with my knowledge, including knowing Ilago’s breed (the hornbill sidekick of Ja’afar in Aladdin) and singing the Hawaiian bits of Aloha E Komo Mai (Lilo & Stitch).

It baffles me how some people who claimed to be Disney fans can work at Disney but yet… never watched the films… What?

I’m not judging (or more like trying not to) but I’m finding it really hard to wrap my head around that fact.

One of my childhood dreams as a 10 year old was to one day star in a Disney live-adaptation of one of the classics I grew up with. Mulan cast people… here’s your chance. Jokes. That’s definitely just a wish a heart can make while I’m fast asleep. Nonetheless, I am excited for that adaptation, I really hope they do the casting and the character justice, she better be Chinese, most of all she’d better be strong willed.

Now I’ll be signing of for the next 2 weeks of hardcore exam study (not that I post regularly anyway). Just feeling obligated to let you guys know that I’ll be away, before I return and report more incredible nonsensical happenings of my life and feelings. Hopefully by then, I would have gotten the time to catch up on my Cinderella and Disney marathons.

“It is a testing time for all of us…”

it is

We were on the way to the hospital for my brother’s surgery when my cousin told me that. He wasn’t the only one facing emergency issues, another cousin of mine got his shoulder dislocated (twice in 2 weeks) and required a reconstruction surgery.

At the time of my brother’s emergency of anal bleeding, my parents were away on a trip to Istanbul. For the first time in my life I had to handle such things on my own, Thank God for my cousins and thank god for the car and license. I didn’t know how I managed to pull through that whole week without breaking down, I was fantastic at putting a front for everyone, I had to keep it together. Despite some small rants to my cousins and friends and pulling myself together telling them “I’m fine”. Deep down, I was crying… I was yelling… but I couldn’t physically do it, I was probably too exhausted to even do so.

Everything happened in the wake of my mid-sems (tests), I was never strong academically and all the efforts I had to put into them has to be doubled, meanwhile I wasn’t even putting the original 100% I needed to… how was I going to pull through the 2nd 100%?? I was desperate and crazy that I had my emotional breakdown in front of my parents after they came back, on the day my dad was to leave back to Kuala Lumpur (where he works). I was so emotionally overwhelmed but I insisted I was okay, despite all the yelling and screaming.

“For someone who isn’t diagnosed with any problems, you’re acting like you have one”, said my mother. I cried back saying that I am still normal and that crying was a normal processes of a human being and these are just “one of my moments”. Yes, my parents want me to be normal and I want to be as well, despite all the crazy events that had happened to me along the way. I have my reasons.

After all the hospital hiatus, my brother was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. He was apparently under too much stress that his immune system went weak. The school recommended him to complete Year 12 over 2 years instead, he won’t be graduating with his friends and it was a hard pill to swallow. This wasn’t his only problem. He has ADHD, he recently stopped taking his pills as they mess with his diet and health which eventually affects him mentally (ironically it’s suppose to help him mentally). He never once tells anyone else beyond our family home about his problems, he rarely even mentions it to us. He gets annoyed if we mention he has a problem to other people, he wanted to have the normal life and be treated like everyone else. So far he has been doing fine, his social life is amazing I must say but academically, not very well. As much as he tries to hide it from people, it still shows up. But it is the best way to maintain the normal treatment and get as much of it as he can. I understand his perspective. My brother hates it when people has to pity him. He sees himself as equal like anyone else.

He is a strong boy but he has his frustrations, just like me. It was through his frustrations, he fell away from God. He was angered at the fact that if God really existed, why did He give him all these issues. It was hard for me to explain to him why and how God has a plan to him when he was emotionally harden. I had gone through a dark time myself and I remembered I was equally as hard.

It takes bravery to soften the heart. Not weakness. It took me so long and so much effort when I realised I had to turn to God for help. It made my journey easier. My brother is the cross for my parents to carry, I have my own and I shouldn’t be another burden to my parents. Sometimes I feel the neglect as they put their effort more on him, “he needs it” they say, and I understand it too. My brother needs my parents more, despite the attention I wish they had on me. I have to learn  to cope as much as I can on my own, but I know it would break me as well. It is this time when God comes in the picture, He lifts that from me.

Times like these, only God can understand my burden. It is a silent understanding and a mutual one. It is a journey between God and I, we are a team and we always will be. What better team-mate can I get in this race of life than the creator Himself.

I pray that my brother will eventually accept God back on his team, imagine the number of goals he’d start scoring with God as his team-mate.