It’s been almost 4 days here in London, the jet lag has been real but I’m adjusting slowly and eventually. The past few days I’ve been bolting up from bed at 3am thinking it was 7am, but really it’s just my body and my American neighbour making weird noises.
I remember having a slight panic attack at the gate in Singapore for my second leg flight to London from Melbourne. I mean it shouldn’t have happened, I am older than I was before when I was shipped abroad to boarding school at 16. Mid-rush packing prior to my flight back in Melbourne, I grabbed the smallest, lightest book I could find in my shelf that I could take on the flight, as seen above. I honestly did not expect much from it, as I knew it was deep and very wordy and not something that can be done in 20ish hours. Also inflight entertainment fam.
I still made the effort to read because, as much as I hate to admit, reading it good for the (my) soul. I’m not as dense as I perceive to be thanks. Timely much, just before the journey was about to end I hit this chapter:
The recent streaks of my anxiety and panics have risen out of my desire to remain comfortable. I was not the YOLO teen I used to be. I hate to always use this example, but it’s true, my enthusiasm for challenges has drastically changed since my ski accident. Everything had to be thought twice, I’d rather play everything safe. Shit should not go down without being consulted with people I trust or being done with people I trust. Besides the girl I knew from law school, London was a solo adventure.
You truly will never know the grit that exists within until you put yourself in a situation that brings it out of you.
First day of summer school classes the lecturer straight up tells us “Welcome to one of the hardest courses that we offer in summer school”. It didn’t take long for it to sink in when I realised some of my course mates were investment bankers, senior associates of global law firms, Masters students and a how did I end up here self. I don’t completely understand derivatives and here I am being taught how to regulate it??? God help.
Furthermore, I was ditched at the club on the first day of our classes, it was a welcome “party” organised by the student union. Never in my entire clubbing life had I entered a club sober and boy I hated it. I had never been so conscious of my surroundings and all I could think of was this is crap, why did I like this last time, was it always like this. Maybe it’s just London.
I was ditched because the friend that bought tickets (and made me go) decided that smoking up in an apartment was much more fun and left without telling me. I found myself walking back to my residential at 12.34am in the morning, alone, in the dark in London alleyways. Honey if I had not prayed, I would’ve cried. I’ll explain more on these thoughts in post 2.
Since the day at Changi, I have yet to experience an attack. I’ve been too busy trying to survive, hitting out all them challenges swinging my way. It’s like my body and soul is trying to tell the devil that I ain’t got time for that anxiety crap.
It’s not something I had asked for, but it’s something within my control and grasp. Challenges can be created and it is within our control, through our openness and willingness to go through them.
I did not come here just for fun. I came here to learn. About myself and International Financial Law. and get that credit point.