A Timothée Chalamet, etc Rant… toodles

Okay, so my new obsession is Timotheé Chalamet and I am so damn stoked for the new Little Women film (which he stars as olden day fuckboi Laurie).

Nah but honestly I’m stoked for this because I read the novel growing up, holy shit and I am and a dead-ass sucker for period movies. There’s something about old fashion romance that makes me swoon. Like no boy is man enough to rock up in front of the door or run after you in the fields and yell back at you that he loves you too (not that it ever happened in my life, because I have no field to run in anyway, also – can’t run). Therefor, these scenes have to be lived vicariously through movies and movies alone only. Can you subtly also tell why I am currently single, yes thank you next.

People might be snickering behind my back about these bullshit I swoon over, but lemme tell you, if you think this is bad, you have not seen me at my worst. I can’t remember when was the last time I sat through a Korean Drama, yes I used to be one of those and I now honestly cannot sit through 1 episode right now without cringing. Yes. CRINGE.

I don’t know why I used to find pleasure swooning over that. But period dramas are so much more different (same concept, argue with me, but still different). There’s a different intention in the traditional way of wooing that makes me go shit where that go.

I understand there is much more ‘modernisation’ in the new remakes of these period dramas, of giving females a stronger narrative and capability of decisions. Jo March’s line in the trailer got me dead, I’m so glad it was Saorise who plays it instead of Emma. But yes, I’m living for it, I know there’s a bit of controversy surrounding pro-feminism movement but HEY, LOOK, NOTHING WRONG WITH WOMEN KNOWING HOW TO DO SHIT.

Carey Mulligan is one of my absolute fave across all the British actresses in the period drama category (sorry Keira I love you too), I cannot get over the storyline in Far from the Maddingcrowd and it is by far the most underrated period movie so I am right now promoting and letting you know, go, watch.

Back to Little Women, I love how they portray that these men and fukboi Laurie are so obsessed and love them strong charactered women. WHERE’S MINE. okay maybe not an obsessed one, but I feel like modern day men are more towards the side of “love me an influencer bitch with grateble abs” and “a wholesome ABC”. Who somehow boasts to be a feminists, demand respect, but with underlying “choke me” vibes. Loves a vegan health diet with a side bottle of red wine and a box of cigarettes. Collects 112 indoor plants, because its contributory to a good environment but really they breathe the same air as you at night and give you more CO2 in your sleep. Want to chase a career but wanna be a Hot Tai Tai at the same time (it me). 

Alright sorry, not tearing anyone down (but I did), but this culture does give me a laugh in my excessive stressed out life. I’ll wait, I know my Timothee Chalamet issa round the corner, RUN FASTER BOI, my father want to see. (real one is apparently seeing Lily-Rose Depp and I 100% ship, my heart will break if they break, God protect them)

Anyway, Little Women drama and rant over. I have replayed the trailer a bit too many times. Also, Downton Abbey movie is OUT SOON TOO OMG.

Okay enough, I’ll end here.

if you spent and finished 3minutes of your time enduring my nonsense, it’s a taster to my friendship, we can be friends.

Mental fitness

The video is completely unrelated to this post, but I love it. It’s my current jam, the scenery is fantastic, the concept is genius and the director is cute. Name me a better formula for a kick ass MV. It exemplifies my life and current state, a mess but making the best out of it.

Dad got his drug prescription today, after 2.5 weeks of anxious waiting since his blood samples were sent to US and Singapore for further testing. Good news is that it’s an FDA approved drug and it is targeted cell-therapy, but he didn’t qualify for the clinical trial drug, which “is suppose to be more potent and effective, but we don’t know side effects.”

To be honest I don’t know if I should be happy or sad that he didn’t qualify. I went ham at drug researching instead of my delegated investigative tasks at work today, stumbled upon some false news that it would “increase dad’s lifespan by 40%” and reported said false news to my 2 group chats. Omg had to correct false news later on, got myself blue ticked. Well, whatta streak. that, kids, is not how you support an emotional welping human-being, blue ticking.

Anyways, humiliation aside. I survived a 3 day work conference and submitting 2 academic submissions on time. Writing this and reminding myself that my head is still above water, I’m still breathing and I’m fine. It is not an easy feat, juggling full-time work, study and an emotionally unstable household. I’m not trying to toot my horn but look, the lack of peer to peer feedback I have with human beings, I need to rely on self-assurance and let myself know that I’m still okay, because I am.

The conference taught me the concept of mental fitness. Just like how people put priority on physical fitness, train for an actual running marathon, boy why do we not train for mental marathons. This past month has been a mental marathon, heck I’m still running and I can’t afford to be tired with all the work I have on.

Thank you for some suggestions, to ask me to slow down, take a breather and maybe defer my studies. I don’t know how long my dad has left, but at stage 4, I want my dad to attend my graduation.

It is my final semester, my final academic run, bring on the next 2 months, I won’t be running alone because I’ll be running on faith and Jesus. Watch me.

Also, if you hopefully listened to the song by the end of the post, or even payed attention to the lyrics, its a beautiful message of embracing what’s now and not worry about the future

Beyond the Statistics, please

Hello hunnies, after a good 6 months of hiatus I’m back.

As you know, when I’m back, some shit surely went down and you’re sure as hell right because why else am I here. But I’ve left it 6 months too long and 6 months worth of journalling I may as well shoot my shot at asking Penguin Books to publish and monetise my life, but I ain’t about that life (yet). Also I have an assignment due tomorrow and I am now a full time adulting in the corporate world (I know! after all those sob stories of being jobless!!), so this piece is short, let’s hope.

Crink isn’t fully CRINKED if I don’t welp about this rollercoaster life, I’d rant about all the shit that went down, on how it has wrecked me and how I will survive the shits yet again. I did hunnies, I did and sometimes I’m glad I write them down because at times like these I can laugh at myself being the trivial bitch I can be about life and call those stuff massive, at the time.

So, straight to the point, my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer exactly a month ago.

He semi-collapsed a day he was due to fly back to KL, after a close-call to a cardiac arrest and an emergency procedure that saved his life, when you’d think God has answered your prayers and life is normal again. BOOM, sorry folks, your fam has cancer, not just any cancer but stage 4 absolute last stage of them all.

It’s been a month.

Have I processed the news yet? Nope. While life and routine has slowly regained it’s rhythm, I’m back at work and I’m getting back into the library on weekends again to remind myself I’m still a student. I haven’t fully grasped, or tried, to process the emotions fully out of this whole episode. I don’t even know how to feel or express myself each time someone asked me if I’m okay, or if I’m even coping okay?

Imagine 20-50 people asking you the same question.


I am? I mean straight after helping dad move to the oncology ward I’ve swung back into work full-time (neglected my studies though). I tried with all the strength and power I had to block emotions, despite crying all the fluids out of my body in the first 2 days of the news, to not let it detriment my life and career. I just got this new job. I was so fuelled by the “You are so strong” and “stay strong” comments that I left no room to slow down.

Dad was adamant for me to carry on normally with life, Life goes on Juanlin, I don’t want you to stop your life because of me. That fuelled me even more, wtf is emotions and all I did was push push go go and trust that God will handle the rest because, I know He does.

I’ve been absent from church, home group and even took a break from Youth. While it seems to paint a picture that I’ve fallen away due to this news, it hasn’t. God has showed me how much I needed Him, how much of the past few years has moulded me and even though I thought those years made me stronger, Oh child… you still need Me, don’t try this bullshit yourself.

God revealed that no matter how hard I try, I’m weak and only through His strength can I only pull through. So no, I am not strong.

To the people wondering how I’ve managed to weave through work, study, and juggling the heavy emotions at home the past month, God did. The month I’ve stayed away from church has pulled me the closest to God.

While yes I may have been a bit slightly unhinged in terms of language and so forth, slightly, I’m still my very own self. I’ve pulled back things due to the reputation I had to keep in front of u18s. But look, life pulls us and stretches us in various directions there is no one way formula to live it out. I was living through a formula as a youth leader and I think this little break has allowed me to breach out of my shell for a bit. I love it but it doesn’t mean I love God any less.


Now am I okay? Soz we went on a tangent

I can’t say I am neither am I not. The first 3 weeks post cancer news I couldn’t sleep. The first night after a good few hours of crying, I jolted out of bed. I had the weirdest 2 visions of one, a funeral, two, my dad walking me down the aisle. For the first 2 weeks, my body clock jolted me up at 3am sharp no matter what time I went to bed. To get myself a good 6 hours of sleep before work, I had to be in bed by 9pm, then roll around the bed from 3-6am.

I couldn’t eat. My appetite was a complete mess and as a person who binge ate every hour and struggled to lose weight over the years, I lost 2 kilos in a week. I didn’t even feel hungry at all. Even as my appetite slowly gained it’s momentum, I suddenly resisted it due to the weight loss that seemed to fuel the hole and desire I wanted for so long, filling the emotional distress that I was going through. I spent a good few days wrestling with myself at this building disorder and the validity of my emotions towards food. It’s still a battle and maybe, I might keep you posted.


Dad had his samples posted to USA and Singapore for further testing for his qualification for clinical trial drugs. This Tuesday, we’d possibly find out the results. At stage 4, you’d want anything to keep you alive, to keep your family alive, even if you have no idea what the drug can do and it’s side-effects yet known to the world.

I am clinging on to the second vision of my dad walking me down the aisle, I need him there. I don’t know what I’d do without him, as selfish as I am, I’m not ready to let him go. I’m praying for him to be there for my graduation, my Masters, my wedding and my children.

God,
there is so much for him to see, please be there for him, I beg you. While I could have been a better daughter, I know You are merciful. It’s not just me, Ma and Maowen needs him too. Provide him a miracle, let my dad live beyond the statistics, please.