The ride

One of my favourites, the Manta in SeaWorld San Diego. I sat it at least 3 times before I left. If the queue was shorter I would’ve been on it 10 times. Best adrenaline rush

I see the journey with God like an adventure, like a roller coaster, for someone who loves thrill and adrenaline like me, I love it. Everyone has their own interpretation about their journey with God, this is mine.

It has twists and turns, I will go upside down and I may puke, in the same time I will feel that wind and thrill in my face, my heart will beat fast and at the end of it all, I’ll be like That was freaking awwwesooome! I wanna do it again.

But I don’t always jump in that seat with confidence. I don’t know that route that the roller coaster will be taking me, I didn’t build it, God built it. I will start of with fear, anxiety and doubt. It takes courage to even say a prayer sometimes, it takes courage to cry out for help and admit you are scared. It takes trust and faith.

Sometimes the roller coasters take you to pitch black areas, dark and scary, they aren’t always outdoors and sunny. Anxiety will start to strike again. It still takes trust and faith even when already riding on a coaster.

God has already built that track, a solid track, I won’t know what is going to happen, I will just have to let His mechanism run for me, because I trust Him. I already know that it will end, there will be and ending like all roller coasters do, mine ends in heaven and I am still up on this ride.

He says it’s okay to scream on this ride. It is part of this process, let it go and let it out. He is my harness and safety belt and he won’t let go. The faith is the harness, if I let it go, I will fall.

Many times my harness had become loose, it wasn’t always tight and safe, but it was always hanging on, even on the thinnest of ropes, God’s love is so strong to hold on to. He won’t let me fall.

Even though I’m currently scared, it’s dark and I honestly don’t know where I am but I’m still on that seat, I still have my harness on. The adventure is not over yet, He tells me. Don’t miss out on all the fun.

I won’t God. I won’t.

It will be too good to miss.

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The iPhone chase

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I remember last Thursday, the line wrapping around Westfield from the Apple store and people with their tents and foldable chairs just camping out for that iPhone 6. It’s a big deal for Apple fans who have their own dollars to spend. I am an Apple fan myself and I use absolutely everything Mac related from my laptop to earphones.

I really wasn’t expecting to get an iPhone 6. All the phones that I’ve ever used were hand-me-downs from my dad. He believed as the oldest of the family, he deserved the latest technology, I get the one he had and he gets the new. So I’ve been using his iPhone 4s for about 2 years now, it’s life with me doesn’t include the life it had with my dad, which I can’t remember.

It has been really faithful to me I must say and I can’t imagine myself without it. But recently it has been hanging and freezing in the midst of my important tasks, eg: snapping important notes during lab work (the 21st century student way). I’m one of those few people with the 4 while others have been frolicking with the 5 and brand new fat Samsungs. My friends have been getting phone upgrades and they’ve been pestering me to get mine upgraded too, well…. I was waiting for the money to drop from the sky but it never did.

Last Thursday on the bus, my phone fell and crack. The glass behind the perfectly designed iPhone had a massive slit. After 2 years with me scratch free, it had to this to me. iPhones are famous for glass cracking, especially the 4 and mine magically never did despite so many falls. It just had to that day.

“It’s about time”, said my friend. “Time for an upgrade, you need a new phone.”

To my surprise, the next day my dad said “Let’s go phone shopping, this will be your 20th birthday present”.

OMGOODNESS. UNEXPECTED.

My heart was jumping everywhere and for the first time I’ll be getting a new phone, MY NEW PHONE.

Excitement didn’t last long though. Due to massive iPhone 6 demands, the waiting list for the phone were at least 2 weeks, I couldn’t get my phone immediately, I was just jumping around so much. I couldn’t believ it. Deep down I was just heartbroken, despite showing my dad a strong face and saying It’s alright.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to have the phone. What are my relatives gonna say? Such a spoilt girl, getting it just after a week’s release. Just because I mixed with a privileged bunch of kids doesn’t mean I should have the right of an upgrade too, I should be satisfied with whatever crack given to me. I’m going on a mission trip soon, those kids don’t even have food. Here I am upset about No Phone. Seriously a first-world problem kid right there.

Then I decided to walk into JB-HIFI (an Australian electronic store).

“How long is the wait for the iPhone 6?” Because I knew there wouldn’t be any anyway, I was going with the store with the shortest wait.

“We have them here, what colour are you after?”

HALLELUJAH

I feel. Even though I didn’t pray for it. God made me walk in there. God made them have stock. God blessed me with a new phone. God is good. He probably wants me to have the phone after all. wheeeeeweeeee

I became the jumping 5 year old again.

I am blessed. I am really blessed to be in a family and amazing dad to suddenly want to bless me with a phone and just breaking the tradition of hand-me-downs (seriously didn’t expect it). I didn’t even do anything spectacular to earn this reward.

It’s like my Father in Heaven. I disappointed Him so many times, sinned, stubborn, just being a plain idiot like any idiot being an idiot. He still gives. He still loves. He still embraces me. He comforts me still when I need Him.

It doesn’t just come in iPhones. It comes in so many other forms. Most importantly it’s His mercy and love.

God is good.

Epiphanies on a bus ride

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It takes me at least 45 minutes to commute to uni, or more than an hour depending on the traffic. I bought a new book on Amazon a couple of weeks ago The Best Yes by Lisa TerKeurst, but I have yet to give it a start since I haven’t finished my existing book Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtick yet. So this morning, since I only had my kindle with me (which is where I bought my new book) on the bus, I decided to give it a start.

As I read, Lisa wrote about confusing  love and pleasing people  to doing what actually God told you to do, I don’t know why, but my brain started swelling with memories of the prayer I made at the start of this year, in my room, on my knees, my eyes filled with tears, my heart filled with fear, in the same time holding that faith and trust in the God I was riding a roller coaster with just the previous year.

That point of my life, I was so sick of church hopping. Almost half my life I attended churches but I never belonged to any. I had added facebook friends from each church I attended but none of them developed into the friendships I hoped for, mainly because of the fact I kept leaving them too. I’ve seen friends who grew up in churches and having a bond with their church friends, growing in Christ together, things I never had.

I was so frustrated. I was starting to begin to hate the idea of the church itself. At that time, my mum started attending another new church. I was so mad, she understood my frustration and she attended it by herself while I remained at home with my bible. She grew to love the church, more than I actually thought. However I remained reserve and distant with the church she attended with the fear we may desert it again. I didn’t want to experience the hurt of leaving friends at the start of a friendship, which was always common when I attended a new church and leave a few months after. I distanced myself from the youth, I tried my best not to add them on facebook because I didn’t want to have another list of “church friends I made but never talk to again because I left”.

Then the new year came. I looked at my bible and said

“It’s You and Me Lord, it always has been you and me. You brought me to the ditches with my injury and I still came back to You. But something is missing.”

I felt God was with me, I knew He was. But there was a gap and I didn’t know what it was between us. I wanted to grow with Him more but I couldn’t. I was still on the stubborn idea and I refused to believe it was the church. IT IS NOT THE CHURCH. IT NEVER HELPED.

I was so stubborn.

My brother was blending in well with the guys in church through weekly Sunday futsal games, my mom was attending weekly Ladies Meetings in the church. I continued my stubborn ways. My mum felt like it was time I should start making an effort. She knew my love and experience for kids so she persuaded me to volunteer in the church’s kids ministry because I still wasn’t keen on joining youth group.

I honestly don’t know what went through my mind but I said OKAY.

I didn’t realized how big the decision I made was until the day before I had to attend my first session with the kids. That night, in my room, filled with fear, confusion and immense hate in myself for this impulsive decision, I did what any Christian would do with at their complete lowest of lows. I dropped to my knees, burried my face in my pillow and bawled out a prayer.

God!
I don’t know what I’m doing?! What on earth am I doing? Joining kid’s ministry when I don’t even know anyone is this church? The other leaders are going to wonder where I popped out from, I am not from their clique, I am not in ANY clique.
Lord I know there’s something missing, we know there is something missing.

Maybe You know deep down in my heart that I want to belong, is this it?
Lord, I pray that this, even though scary, will be the start of something new. I hope it will be good. I hope it will be good.

Let me finally make friends Lord,  friends who will bring me closer to You and understand my relationship with You. I love the friends You blessed me in highschool but you know deep down in my heart I want friends who believe the same things I do, share the same love as I do.

Lord, this is such a crazy journey. I don’t know where I’m going to go. I don’t know what I am doing.

I am scared Lord, I am so so scared. 

Lord you will be with me right? You will give me friends. I know You are out there! We’ve always been a team, the 2 of us. You will be with me. I trust You Lord I trust You.

I hope what I’m doing is right Lord. I am so confused but I know deep down this is Your plan. Give me strength Lord, give me strength.

Lord this is so crazy, we had such a crazy journey the past couple of years. But we’ll be alright, You know we will. 

Will I do okay? Will I make friends in this church? Is this the church You want me to be in? Lord I trust You. You know my faith. We’ll pull this through together. Together.

Amen

It’s been a year since my mum found this church. 7 months of myself in kid’s ministry.

You know what. God answered my prayer. I was looking back to where I was and where I am. God answered my desperate cry. He responded to my fear.

7 months on, God gave me a group of girls to be friends with, bond with people of the exact same interests and going through the same struggled I did. Made friends in church like I never did. Invited to dinners with church people like I never would go or never did.

Even though I wouldn’t say I am 100% assimilated into the church, every church is cliquy. He has already gave me more than I asked, simple bonds and stepping stones to help me in faith. Where I am right now was not something I visualized myself doing exactly a year ago. My year younger self would have laughed her lungs out.

I do still have fears on things, I haven’t completely overcomed all my struggles. But his simple answer to a simple cry gave me a sense of peace, knowing and love.

He has my back. He still has my back. We are still a team. A team so strong it can’t be broken. I can do all things with Christ in me.

I was trying my best to contain my tears as I walked from my bus ride to the tram stop where I take my final leg to my incredibly far journey to university. The immense joy in knowing He answered my cry and I have such a faithful partner in life. It was an odd place and time to have those feelings but it just happened.

God is so good.

Music. Dance. Shbaangs.

I’ve encountered way too much awesome stuff on the internet this week. This post is going to be a post of randoms. You will finally discover how random my brain can be and my absolute love for almost anything.

Dance will always be my number one though. Yes. Expressing emotions with movement is a skill and I will forever push forward the fact that Ballet is a sport and Dance is a mega-skill. Anyway, absolutely in love with Kyle Hanagami’s Sam Smith’s choreo this week. He was always my top fave choreographer ever along with the Madrids. It’s not the latest vid but I’m obsessed at how simple and emotional it is. It’s sharp, precise, doesn’t need much dance prowess or high skills to execute it, but lots of practice of course.

Also, can’t get enough of Sam Smith’s song “Like I Can”. The beat. The Beat. THE BEAT. It’s AWESOME.

https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/151511675&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=true

That goes along with Nick Jonas’ new Release “Jealous”. Like what seriously where did the afro go? After a million girlfriends later and getting rid of the fro, baby Jonas is finally giving me some music to my ears.

Give me a beat. I am absolutely SOLD. Reasons why I am MJ’s biggest fan because his beat is sick as seeeeeck.

Also, rediscovered MercyMe’s classic last night and it’s been on repeat on my iTunes since last night. Quite a drastic change from above but I love it anyways. I can totally imagine myself doing a contemporary to this.

Anyway that’s all for my interests this week. All that beat and soul.

Love love love.

p/s: Getting baptised today!

I was so excited and pumped last night! But this morning I suddenly had this wave of nervousness when I realised my testimony (video) is going to played in front of 3/4 of people I don’t know very well, as well as getting completely soaked in front of them eeeeps.

I shouldn’t be thinking to much. It’s the chatterbox making me victim again.

This is gonna be a moment treasured with God alone and I am not letting anything come in my way. I’m sure He isn’t either.

Fat Hearts to everyone ❤

Impulse decisions can be exciting

It’s been a while since I did some procrastinating blog posts. It’s the perfect (and not so perfect) time right now as I have an assignment due at 2pm today and I haven’t even neared half of it.

I haven’t had a weekend as hectic as the one I just had, I’ve been running on less than 4 hours sleep for a couple nights straight which is extremely rare, I LOVE MY SLEEP. I believe it’s one of God’s greatest gifts. Seriously. Sleep.

You must be thinking I must be really hardworking with something but to be honest it’s the complete opposite. It was one of my closest friend’s 21st, it was like some major celebration, a night of clubbing and a birthday dinner that lasted as long as clubbing. Clubbing comes along with sleep-ins, that’s why you don’t hear a single word from clubbers until the afternoon or later. I am not a clubber, in fact I’m a morning person and my mornings had to run as per se, so 9am ballet classes and 8am Kid’s Mission Sunday at church had to go AS PLANNED.

Funny thing was, just before I was about to start the wild 21st celebrations with my friends, I made to most sudden impulsive decision ever. Anything less than 24hours of thinking is an impulse for me. This was made under 3 hours.

I decided to sign up for baptism, 2nd time this round.

I understand this isn’t a decision to be made on impulse. It is something to be thought through and people take months to decide. The church that gave me my 1st baptism at 15 years old had us (the class) prepping for almost a year. So why on earth would I make a decision at a bus stop?

I was aware my church was giving a baptism but I never really gave it much thought. I was baptized just by sprinkling of water 5 years ago in a Methodist Church, where everyone was methodical and if you’re 15 in sunday school, you do it together with your sunday school class in front of the congregation. It wasn’t really much of a spotlight thing. It looked more like a graduation ceremony to me and I did it for all the wrong reasons at the time.. because everyone was doing it.

I accepted Christ at 13. I was growing in faith and I was loving it. But my family’s weird as culture of church hopping never really helped my growth. My faith became like a roller-coaster, there were extreme highs and extreme lows and just unbelievable sudden 360 turns in the middle, it was so crazy. But fun and exciting like how roller coasters are. I LOVE roller coasters.

I didn’t get the “Oh wow I feel so brand new” feeling most people get after a baptism during mine, which I always heard about. Those were mainly immersion baptisms and at the time I was baptised, the church didn’t believe it was necessary. They said “as long as we have water, that’s the symbol”. But part of me deep inside always longed to be baptised the way Jesus did.

There were opportunities that came along but I always had this doubt of “I don’t know if I’m even going to continue staying in this church”. Some of my relatives believed immersion was not necessary. So already having Christ in my life, already baptised “symbolically” and confirmed as well, I have, in a way ticked all the boxes of becoming a Christian (to certain standards). Getting baptised again went back under the brain.

“You should get baptised by immersion! We are having a class today at 5pm, you should contact the (the pastor in charge) and let her know! Go go go!”

I had an extremely bad day the day before making the decision. I cried my eyes out and had to go to uni puffy eyed. I texted my friend I didn’t want to go to her 21st either because I was just to upset with everything in my life. She got upset. As a proper human, to make your best friend upset on her 21st birthday is a big no-no, so I agreed to go again, sucking up all my shitty feelings. I had to skip a church camp because of this so missing her 21st will be a stupid decision too.

The last people I ever want to meet when I am puffy eyed and hobo-looking (ceebs dressing up after a bad day) is people I’m not close to, especially the opposite sex. I just don’t want to meet anyone and be completely alone. Especially with a big weekend ahead.

WHO KNEW. I bumped into one of the people I would absolutely want to avoid (given the current situation), some guy from church, at the bus stop. Making small talk is not my forte but I also hate to stand next to someone I know with NO CONVERSATION going on. It just makes the awkward meter explode further. Just after a bad day and a long draining weekend I am dreading to go to, the conversation topics with him were running low like the water in California. I suddenly decided to bring up the baptism that was coming up in the church. I was curious how a church that didn’t have a proper sanctuary and no pool was going to have an immersion baptism. (I mean seriously there was nothing else to talk about)

Then he told me I should get baptised immersion. Then his bus came. Then I was left alone to think. Then I made an impulse decision.

I told myself, let’s go to the class.

I cancelled the dinner with the friend I was suppose to have before our friend’s 21st clubbing event. Part of me felt like I needed to take off time from all the 21st shenanigans going on and focus on myself on what I really want, what I really need.

I want to get baptised. The way Jesus did. I want to be born again (again), I want to get rid of all this recurring shit baggage I’m always having. I need Jesus.

I want to leave them all behind in the waters as I emerge out of the waters. I will leave them to Jesus. He knows everything and I trust Him with all my heart.

I want to be a completely new person again. I don’t want all the confusion and hurt to haunt me every single time I’m low. I want Jesus to appear and be with me and consume each time it happens.  Only Jesus can do that, Only He can make me new.

I know there still will be testing times after that. I also know I may not get the feeling I want to get immediately after baptism but I trust and I know I’ll still be made new. I know that the devil is always roaming around and I am still his prey. But I have a Father to run to and it will be better. He makes it worthwhile.

Can’t wait for this Friday

Part of me felt like God sent the weirdo to the bus stop for a good reason.

 And now what are you waiting for? Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on his name. – Acts 22:16

Coffee Theory and Hilarious Comments

This is going to be a more laid back post.

My friends and I love making up silly theories about life and general everyday things. I met these pair of cousins during boarding school and they shared me their personal theory called the “Coffee Theory“.

Basically, coffee will make you poop straight after you drink it. The power of caffeine.

It’s not proven but it was what the cousins observed about themselves and apparently it worked on them. One of them had constipating problems and it was cured with coffee. Surprisingly, majority of the time I do buy coffee (not all the time), I somehow consciously find myself pooping after too. I honestly don’t know whether it’s a psychological thing or a true fact. But there you go. The Coffee Theory.

It happened again today after I bought my $1 7 Eleven Regular Flat White before my lecture. I honestly thought it would be an extra boost for my concentration. I obviously forgot about the theory. I was iMessaging my dad during the lecture and this is how it went… seriously wanted to poop. (side note: don’t follow my example, concentrate in your lectures)

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 9.37.54 amYes that last line. It didn’t work. Obviously the $1 was wasted on time used to wondering when the lecture is going to finish. what a fail.

Also during the week. Since mid-sems were over and all, I spent heaps of time on facebook and Youtube, I found some gold comments.. HAHAHA

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Also this comment was found in one if the Youtube vids on the Chroma video by the Royal Ballet. Basically the dancers were wearing leotards, very normal if you are a dancer

Screen Shot 2014-09-09 at 1.43.08 pmHAHA… glue.

And this one, from this video featuring Adam Levine (you should know who he is)

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I haven’t eaten them for a while. Makes me crave them and I want 5 flavours thanks haha

toodles, have a good day

Mid Sems. Mid Sems. Tests. Tests. Stress. Stress.

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Its that time of the semester, where lecturers dump information on you and expect you to recall all 6 weeks worth of information within an hour.

It’s that time of the semester, where all the energy you have put into the first 6 weeks of university is starting to drain away.

It’s that time of the semester, where 6 weeks of constant routine is starting to get to you and you find stuff to distract yourself away from that constant drain.

It’s that time of the semester , where you try to find a new inspiration and motivation to help you carry on for the next 6-7 weeks of continuous drain, but obviously finding nothing but unproductive distraction.

It’s that time of the semester, where you seriously feel like giving up, you don’t know what you’re doing and wondering if all this effort is going to be worth it after.

It’s that time of the semester, where you do unnecessary reflection on your life when you seriously can’t afford to do so because of all the upcoming mid-sem tests.

It’s that time of the semester, where you start planning all the exciting activities you want to do after the semester ends, you taste the freedom, it’s so near yet so far.

It’s this time of the semester.

It’s this time of the semester I really need to pull my focus back to God, to help me pull my focus back on everything, the goal and the aim and to not stray very far away and repeat the same mistake.