It takes me at least 45 minutes to commute to uni, or more than an hour depending on the traffic. I bought a new book on Amazon a couple of weeks ago The Best Yes by Lisa TerKeurst, but I have yet to give it a start since I haven’t finished my existing book Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtick yet. So this morning, since I only had my kindle with me (which is where I bought my new book) on the bus, I decided to give it a start.
As I read, Lisa wrote about confusing love and pleasing people to doing what actually God told you to do, I don’t know why, but my brain started swelling with memories of the prayer I made at the start of this year, in my room, on my knees, my eyes filled with tears, my heart filled with fear, in the same time holding that faith and trust in the God I was riding a roller coaster with just the previous year.
That point of my life, I was so sick of church hopping. Almost half my life I attended churches but I never belonged to any. I had added facebook friends from each church I attended but none of them developed into the friendships I hoped for, mainly because of the fact I kept leaving them too. I’ve seen friends who grew up in churches and having a bond with their church friends, growing in Christ together, things I never had.
I was so frustrated. I was starting to begin to hate the idea of the church itself. At that time, my mum started attending another new church. I was so mad, she understood my frustration and she attended it by herself while I remained at home with my bible. She grew to love the church, more than I actually thought. However I remained reserve and distant with the church she attended with the fear we may desert it again. I didn’t want to experience the hurt of leaving friends at the start of a friendship, which was always common when I attended a new church and leave a few months after. I distanced myself from the youth, I tried my best not to add them on facebook because I didn’t want to have another list of “church friends I made but never talk to again because I left”.
Then the new year came. I looked at my bible and said
“It’s You and Me Lord, it always has been you and me. You brought me to the ditches with my injury and I still came back to You. But something is missing.”
I felt God was with me, I knew He was. But there was a gap and I didn’t know what it was between us. I wanted to grow with Him more but I couldn’t. I was still on the stubborn idea and I refused to believe it was the church. IT IS NOT THE CHURCH. IT NEVER HELPED.
I was so stubborn.
My brother was blending in well with the guys in church through weekly Sunday futsal games, my mom was attending weekly Ladies Meetings in the church. I continued my stubborn ways. My mum felt like it was time I should start making an effort. She knew my love and experience for kids so she persuaded me to volunteer in the church’s kids ministry because I still wasn’t keen on joining youth group.
I honestly don’t know what went through my mind but I said OKAY.
I didn’t realized how big the decision I made was until the day before I had to attend my first session with the kids. That night, in my room, filled with fear, confusion and immense hate in myself for this impulsive decision, I did what any Christian would do with at their complete lowest of lows. I dropped to my knees, burried my face in my pillow and bawled out a prayer.
I don’t know what I’m doing?! What on earth am I doing? Joining kid’s ministry when I don’t even know anyone is this church? The other leaders are going to wonder where I popped out from, I am not from their clique, I am not in ANY clique.
Lord I know there’s something missing, we know there is something missing.
Maybe You know deep down in my heart that I want to belong, is this it?
Lord, I pray that this, even though scary, will be the start of something new. I hope it will be good. I hope it will be good.
Let me finally make friends Lord, friends who will bring me closer to You and understand my relationship with You. I love the friends You blessed me in highschool but you know deep down in my heart I want friends who believe the same things I do, share the same love as I do.
Lord, this is such a crazy journey. I don’t know where I’m going to go. I don’t know what I am doing.
I am scared Lord, I am so so scared.
Lord you will be with me right? You will give me friends. I know You are out there! We’ve always been a team, the 2 of us. You will be with me. I trust You Lord I trust You.
I hope what I’m doing is right Lord. I am so confused but I know deep down this is Your plan. Give me strength Lord, give me strength.
Lord this is so crazy, we had such a crazy journey the past couple of years. But we’ll be alright, You know we will.
Will I do okay? Will I make friends in this church? Is this the church You want me to be in? Lord I trust You. You know my faith. We’ll pull this through together. Together.
It’s been a year since my mum found this church. 7 months of myself in kid’s ministry.
You know what. God answered my prayer. I was looking back to where I was and where I am. God answered my desperate cry. He responded to my fear.
7 months on, God gave me a group of girls to be friends with, bond with people of the exact same interests and going through the same struggled I did. Made friends in church like I never did. Invited to dinners with church people like I never would go or never did.
Even though I wouldn’t say I am 100% assimilated into the church, every church is cliquy. He has already gave me more than I asked, simple bonds and stepping stones to help me in faith. Where I am right now was not something I visualized myself doing exactly a year ago. My year younger self would have laughed her lungs out.
I do still have fears on things, I haven’t completely overcomed all my struggles. But his simple answer to a simple cry gave me a sense of peace, knowing and love.
He has my back. He still has my back. We are still a team. A team so strong it can’t be broken. I can do all things with Christ in me.
I was trying my best to contain my tears as I walked from my bus ride to the tram stop where I take my final leg to my incredibly far journey to university. The immense joy in knowing He answered my cry and I have such a faithful partner in life. It was an odd place and time to have those feelings but it just happened.
God is so good.