Puffy Eyes

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“My face is so puffy it seriously hurts to cry”

I found myself saying that to my friends while clutching my cheeks and jawline to compress the puffiness that was developed from my multiple cry sessions over the weekend.

I don’t how to feel about that. Crying. I mean if you know me, you’ve seen me cry before… from laughing. It’s no secret that I’m that infamous laugh-cry emoji in my friendship groups, sometimes I feel like it’s my only God-given talent in the past 23 years.

But the crying I’m talking about is the sincere fat tears secreted by the tear-ducts from the induced heavy emotions from I-don’t-know-where (and you will tell me – It’s God).  I cry all the time. But let me tell you this, I hate seeing people cry (though it’s changed over the past few years). I don’t know how to react to an emotional person, despite being emotional myself. I don’t know how to comfort them… do I hug you? Do you want me to hug you? What if you don’t want me here? Should I disappear? As a youth leader now, I have essentially improved in this area, or else I will be sincerely fired over being the least empathetic leader ever.

To prevent the same emotions and feelings back to me, I made a point to myself to never public cry, ever. My closest and dearest friends, those I’ve lived with in boarding school, despite wailing myself to sleep some nights, have never seen me cry. Yet I cried like the biggest whack over the weekend at my Young Adults (1830) Camp. Gosh… the amount of times I had to run to the bathroom and people questioning my bladder issues. I mean I do pee a lot, but my visits were abnormally frequent… if you get my drift.

Is it the Internship
Is it God
Is it life
What is it
Do you need to talk

Do I?

Can I honestly tell you… I don’t know why I cried. I’m as confused as ever. Yes, I left a Christian Camp with less clarity and more confusion, how scandalously unholy.

I think half my crying was crying that I can’t stop myself from crying in public and it’s annoying to cry that it made me cry even more because I’m crying.

Yea I may have left camp confused. But I’m not confused with God. No, not ever. I think I left the camp with more curiosity, of what God has in store for me. I mean, yes I’m confused, but tell me and give me a millennial who isn’t confused with their life. They may have it all together but are you seriously that planned out… seriously.

It’s been a couple of days since camp. I’ve received “are you ok?” texts from multiple people who knew of my crying. Here it goes, I’m okay guys. I am. I’m not gonna be the suicidal 19-year-old again. God has sacrificed a life of a family member to teach me the value of life, so no. I will not die. I love life, as challenging and confusing it may be. But that’s the whole excitement of the journey, isn’t it?

I’m 23 now. It really hit me only a few days back despite 19 days into my new age. I’m not young, but I’m not old. I’m not all put together, but I’m strong enough to pick myself up if need be. I’m growing, I have Jesus. I am on the right track. Emotions are part of life, I have to deal with it, regardless how much I hate crying emotionally. It happens.

Cheers to my new age, more infrequent blogging and rants of my life. The blessings, the downfalls, the anger, the love and most of all… the endurance that comes out from the hecticness of it all.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us

Hebrews 12:1

p/s: If you’re an Athiest and wondering why an idiot like me would still believe in God despite the awful emotions and puffiness I have to endure and making my face 10x uglier than it already is… read this.

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A Christmas Gift

Before I begin, apologies for the long absence.

It’s been a post I’ve meant to do since I got the news but got a bit carried away since arriving back in Melbourne.

Late last year I was told that I had a lump in my right breast and was to go for half-yearly checks for growths and risks. It dawned on me the seriousness of my condition when I was referred to a breast cancer surgeon this year and was told that my lump grew. A biopsy was performed and by the grace of God, benign.

I’ve cut alcohol, tried to be healthy. I’m not gonna lie and say it was smooth sailing, I struggled. There were times I’d even wanna forget about it, that there was no such thing. I was only 22, to face the news that women only receive during their mid-life crisis… here I am, not even hitting the quarter-life, but with a growing lump that may be potentially cancerous??

As the date for my next scan approached, it dawned on me that it’s time to face the news again, this time without my mother. I was back in Melbourne, alone. She was in Malaysia. I started my fervent praying for the lump to not grow, or maybe miraculously shrink…

I told my parents I could do this alone, the scan had to be done regardless, it’s for my health anyway. But just the day before, I had a mini-breakdown at my hoome-group over the fear of receiving bad news alone. Thankfully, 2 of my friends agreed to come along to give me support at the Clinic.

God had better plans.

The ultrasound technician spent a good 10 minutes rolling the stick around my boob, the warm gel had turn chilly and no news about the lump. (This was meant to be a good thing, but the technician’s confused face just made me worried).

That’s weird… I can’t find the lump” She was squinting her eyes at the screen. “I think I will call in another specialist to find it for me… this never happens”

Another specialist came in, this time having my previous scans, bot technician and specialist were trying to scrutinize the scans as hard as possible. “This is an unusual case, here I was thinking that you’re an easy one but no…” she said. The specialist chimed in and said, “Looks like the problem solved itself”.

It was then I knew, that miracles happen.

God heals. More than I’d even asked for.

The breast surgeon I was seeing did a final check and told me that the lump was gone.

God’s early Christmas miracle on the 30th of November.

I’m writing this down because it is a testament to God’s love. It is something I had always believed in but never occurred in my personal life until that day, where my lump fully disappeared.

Bear in mind, I did not think I’d deserved it. I’m a normal human being who makes mistakes, commit failures and occasionally falling into temptation. There were times I succumbed to worldly things despite my faith, I was the last person to deserve such a miracle but God gave it to me.

You may believe you are undeserving, but God gives miracles and gifts to those He believes in, those He believes that deserve, no matter how undeserving we feel we are.

My heart was so full that day, typing this makes my heart full again as I was experiencing a bad day just before. It will serve me as a constant reminder that I am loved, that God loves us so much that He sent His only begotten Son for us, this Christmas day.

The Greatest Christmas Gift.

 

University Life. The real deal not the movie deal.

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The boring part and library shenanigans

Talk about having a busy week. This is the busiest I’ve ever been. The first time my to-do list is overflowing after a long while. After a failed semester, I promised myself I’ll be way much more productive by actually doing to-do lists. It was a habit back in high-school and it worked. For some strange reason, the slacker me over-powered the diligent me… Well I have finally concluded it’s because of this sudden burst of freedom which I never had before. No wonder everyone loves college/university life at first… until it comes rubbing back in the face going HAHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE SUCKER! YOU FAILED.

Epic lols and failures to the people who believe that uni life means freedom and more slacking compared to school life. High school kids dream of uni saying, “we will finally get a rest after all these 12 years of schooling”.

Rest… my ass.

I’m only in my 5th week of the semester, this time diligently compiling all the stuff I need to do and trying my very best to not slack.. trying.. The workload is equivalent to my whole silly year of highschool. What lies. Liars are those college/uni gits who tell you life gets easier. Bunch of liars.

If you’re a highschool student looking forward to this “dream life” and wanting live it up and all that, I’m all for your dream but that’s just one side. No one wants to highlight the bad bits because… they’re legit bad.

Telling kids that you have to spend hours in the library for mid-sem tests and assignments sound boring as.. who wants to go to university now after 12 years of that (to be honest the first 6 years don’t really count)? People go all out for the Pitch-Perfect and all that movie magic stuff. Uni life is so fun and it’s meant to be that way.. “meant to be”. It really gives the wrong picture and I was a victim, I can’t believe I was. I was longing for this “fun”, “whooooheeehaaa” feeling that every kid from high school was looking forward to. I see my assignments coming and be like who does that?

Everyone. They just do it in secret. Those sneaky gits.

They just don’t want to show you because it is boring and it sucks. No one wants to expose a boring side.

But it will be the thing that will determine whether if you wanna stay or get kicked out of university. It is that huge, bigger than that trippy sing-song group that’s suppose to be fun, but no-one shows it, NO ONE. 

I’ve learnt the hard way and it sucks. I had to be really put down low to finally realise that what everyone portrays isn’t real. Not just the media, but your peers. They’ll go clubbing and parties and just highlight their social life and fun-bits because it’s something common human nature can relate to – fun. They won’t ramble about their assignments because it’s boring and you probably wouldn’t understand it anyway. To have a great social life in Uni is like the IT thing. 

I’m not discouraging University life of studying at all. It is a good experience and everyone takes it differently. You will learn something, maybe through working hard from the start or getting smacked in the face later, you will get something out of it. It will be worth it. It’s through these things we learn. It is life after all. 

I’m not saying don’t join anything when you go to university/college. Always keep the balance. It’s not going to be easy and just be prepared to work doubly or triply hard. If you succeed with all that going for you, you are a massive trooper and everyone admires you. You deserve to be the next president of whatever comes your way. Not a lot of people can do that, you will discover what you can do eventually I guess.

Either way if you don’t want to go to university after this, you’ll still get smacked. The fact that you’re still breathing, still living, you have life. Life smacks you in the face so deal with it.

I am glad that I have God by my side through this journey. It is a rough one and honestly I wouldn’t be able to cope without Him. I get smacked by life all the time but He tells me that I’m still worth it and I can keep going and He’ll be there to carry me through. He’s the antibiotics to this deadly bacterial life suffering. Together we’ll be a team and hopefully I’ll get immune to it eventually.

Okay enough procrastination and back to the daily grind. 4 more stuff to tick off the to-do list.

The supposed fun thing that happened last saturday in uni. I think it was Cosplay. I find it odd.
The supposed fun thing that happened last Saturday in uni. I think it was Cosplay. I find it odd, Cosplay in a university does not go well (personal opinion).