I’m an emotional person and I do my best to hide them, but recently it’s been a challenge and if you know me well, you can pretty much detect the ups and downs. If you don’t and you read my blog, you are a cheat…
Anyways, I made the decisions. I didn’t fast because it’s the time of the month and I’m anaemic. Losing blood with an already lack of oxygen and starving myself will only call for a suicidal mission.
I didn’t take that Kids paid position. I know for sure that my commitment will decline halfway through the contract and my capacity was limited, I know there were advices telling me that ‘I can do everything in Christ’s strength’, but God gave me wisdom too, that is to not decide to please the people around me and go only with the capacity I have been given.
I’m a law student. I’m not trying to be arrogant here but the harsh reality is that I actually have a lot of load to study. You can’t advice me based on your past experiences in your different course. You and I were made different in God’s eyes, we’re not the same and what you could do in your days doesn’t mean that I could. I thank you for them good advices and you mean well, but please don’t judge my decision as an interpretation that I’m “scared of taking up more responsibilities”. It’s both flattering and disappointing to be told that you can do something but in reality you can’t.
I’ve got rid of one problem.
Now to stay in my kids position or youth.
The youth pastor has been tossing me the idea since my last mission trip to join the youth. I’d never really ruled it out because I’d worked with the youth during mission trip and it was pretty engaging, it was different. But I love the kids at my church and the stuff I’ve got to do with them this year (especially the girls) was mindblowing amazing, it’s a season too good to leave.
One of my reasons not going into the other kids position was of my plans of getting legal clerkships in the future. I’m a law student, will be a law graduate, but I don’t know if I will be a lawyer. I have no legal experience and how I got here was through complete faith that God had a plan for me and I don’t know what I will do next. I sacrificed all my years of preparing for Dentistry for this and it’d better be good.
There was an employment expo on Tuesday, just before Fashion Week shenanigans and I had to pass through the expo on my way to heat my lunch (because I’m cheap and can’t afford to buy food). Since it was in my face, may as well check it out.
I did not see any law related booths on my way to the microwaves and it was way to crowded, I can get claustrophobic. I decided that on my way back to the library, I’d give it a second shot.
The crowd had subsided and as I was walking back, right in the corner of my eye I see an orange banner (markerters take note, orange is eye-catching). It’s for a Youth Legal centre related to youth employment and legal issues. omgosh finally a law thing, Deakin is so stupid if it offers law and no one wants to employ us, what a fail.
Mr Youth Law booth worker tells me it’s hard to get in, everyone wants to do the internship there for the experience as we get an auto-credit into our course as a subject. Chances are higher if I have youth experience.. in any field.
You know what popped into my brain. I could also see the youth pastor give me her cheesy grin in the back of my head.
I went home. Prayed. Talked to my mum. She even gave me her blessing. Erghh but decisions though…
Today was leadership meeting day, everyone (leaders) was there.
I saw the youth pastor and confirmed my decision, she was esctatic. My friend from kids ministry whined, my kids boss deleted (and re-added) me on the Kids Ministry chat, just for trigger purposes.
Then I saw Lauren, and later Erin. They were massive real life triggers.
I mention these two girls in my earlier posts. They moved to the church early this year, from Malaysia. New to country, new to church, no friends and still settling in.
I still remembered the looks of their faces on their first day, a bit apprehensive and doubtful, all the existing girls already had their own cliques. I knew that look. I had that look when I was their age, going into Sunday school.
When I had that look, I hid in the toilet for 2 hours. No one in my Sunday School would bother with a shy girl because shy girls don’t talk anyway. I made sure the sisters will not feel that way and no one was going to go toilet hiding under my watch.
I had a soft spot for them. I wanted to make sure that they will not have that experience I had and when I started out church life. When the dance group was set up I made sure they were in. I’d even let Erin do her gym work across the routine.
They have friends now. They’re pretty good (though the younger one sometimes roams around alone).
Lauren made an origami and passed it to me during lunch (at the meeting) and said, “I made this for you..” I looked at her, I tried not to cry. What am I going to tell her, we’re not dancing next year anymore?
As I drove to uni from the leader’s meeting, Adele’s song started playing in the car. If you don’t know Adele songs, Adele only sings sad songs, sad songs that make you cry. Even if they’re for lovers and you have no lover, you will still feel pain and sadness and YOU WILL CRY. well. I cried.
I cried because Kids ministry was the first ministry I’d ever served in my church life. It was the ministry that made me have faith in church life again and God. It made me discover more of myself, that I was more than the flower pot shy loser in the corner who doesn’t like to talk and was permanenetly awkward, more than a student who just did assignments. It made me realize that God can push me to do things I believe I couldn’t, but could, because He believed in me. I mean I spoke in public. That’s a feat.
I cried also because I was scared even though I was certain of my decision. It was a new thing, it was a deja vu of emotions just like the one before I entered kids ministry, but just a tad different because this time, I’m socially less awkward now but still am.. like 50%. (there has been improvements of 50%).
It’s a new season that is entering, a year straight after my big switch to law, another big switch.
To my 2 years younger self who was crying on the night before her first time serving in Kids ministry, you will miss it and you loved it. Thank God for that.
To my future self, I hope it’s the same. I’ll see you on the other side.