I aim to ace it.

But I always end up with a pass and an occasional fail.

I do not understand.


Knowing Nothing - Jon Snow

Maybe I’m not made for this. This goal that I have been basically headed for my whole life.

Maybe it’s the lack of drive. It is starting to diminish by the day. The ambition starts to drop. whyy oh whyy

Maybe it’s the distractions. But the more I try to distance myself from them, the more I crave for it and they just.. appear again. It is not working.

I hate how everything I’m doing now is determining my future. For once I want to do something where I know it is certain and it is right.

It’s not easy omgoodness it is not.

My biochem and cell biology exams were a wreck.

Maybe the effort wasn’t enough. But it is too late to cry on spilt milk.

I need to save the sour ones now. These sour milks, Physiology and Law.
Please don’t fall, please don’t

Help me Lord.

I was so fed up with biochem the other day, an hour before the exam I decided to flip the Bible instead of the notes.
God flipped this on me

James 1

“2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

The exam still wasn’t the best but at least there is a thin line of hope still to hang on to I guess.

He’s up to something.

I still don’t know what it is.

What the Fraustraates..



I’m still on SWOTVAC period, exams only start on the 10th of June and NO, I am not ready.

I think it’s during this period of time when there is this huge hurdle and mountain of things to accomplish that I discover the things I get easily distracted to and hence the things I’m pretty much addicted to when I do not have things to accomplish.

It has been a long suspicion to myself that I may have ADHD as I get easily, Easily, EASILY Distracted. I can’t emphasize it enough. It started when my own brother was officially diagnosed with it. He is even prescribed medication for it (even though he hates it and never takes it). Everytime I bring it up, my mother would just brush it away thinking that I would just want to add more problems to her existing ones. 1 child with that disorder is enough and she wouldn’t want to go through the hassle of finding out if I actually have it or in denial that I do. My brother isn’t the only one, my cousins have it too. I conclude it runs in the family so if I actually do have it it’s no surprise.

Hence why I always run off-topic what is wrong with my brain. Anyways, these are like the major things I get on to when I’m distracted to and pretty much an addiction as I get on them on a daily frequent basis (it should stop really).

  1. Facebook
    Like seriously this ingenious thing and place to stalk people even when I basically don’t update myself, I like to see other people’s updates. I tend to deactivate it to try and stop myself from getting back on. It never lasts more than a day, unless my friends keep my password they probably should again. But the deactivation does help in a way where I stop checking it on an hourly basis after that and have it logged off.
    I’ve deleted the apps on my phone and ipad too (except Messenger).
  2. Youtube
    Really. I can’t get enough of it. In fact this should be on top of facebook meanwhile since my facebook has been temporarily deactivated. Wongfu, NigaHiga, that lot of British kids, Tyler Oakley, communitychannel and my dance faves Kyle Hanagami, Keone & Mariel, the list is unending. Youtube is madness. It’s inspiring yet not at the same time. Not to mention the stupid yet genius way of “Reccomended Videos” on the right hand corner, GETS ME ALL THE TIME! It’s a good destresser but recently it’s been a bit too much that I’m lacking stress for the exams.
  3. Tumblr
    Those pictures… Why are they so awesome. The layout of that infinity scroll makes 2 hours seem like 2 minutes, good job Tumblr.
  4. Online Shopping
    I just got my latest haul from asos just last week. It’s only 2 items but still. I told myself that’s the last time because I’m broke but it doesn’t stop me from getting on asos.com. What on earth with online shopping, the material world will be forever existent.
  5. The Kitchen
    One of the few non-web related things. FOOD BINGING. omgoodness. These explains the reason for extra pounds during exam period and why my diet/fitness goals from the past 5 years never worked. The scales go the opposite direction of where I want it to go instead, thanks to Kitchen.
  6. Sleep
    This is bad. I don’t know if I should be feeling guilty about this. Students average 2-3 hours sleep per day for exam periods. To me it’s amazing because HOMG the efforts they put it… WOW. meanwhile I’m averaging 9-10 hours sleep per day, which is the recommended hours for NORMAL PEOPLE (not students). The healthy life makes me feel guilty because of all the lost hours I could use to study. Also, this labels me LAZAYY.
  7. Blogging/Magazines/Pinterest
    Sadly this is a culprit too, along with all the other nonsense when I get bored with the above. So yes, you could say that I am bored with the above currently and obviously with my books as well.

I would probably need serious help for all these things. God help me I mean it. I guess back to the books will be a logical action now seeing that I have taken a break off by typing this post.

I hope the next time I’m back is after SWOTVAC, if it isn’t, I’m probably bored of the above again.

Praying with some improvement for these addictions erghh


it is actually

So am I


Because they said YOLO

I’m having SWOTVAC (study vacation) right now. I’m meant to study. I have exams in 9 days. I’m not prepared. It’s 1.30am.

Here I am anyway.

It was August 11th 2011. I remember heading towards the bus with my friends, bags packed, saying goodbye to other friends and with a heart full of excitement and adventure. It was the boarding house life, staying in a room and living in school could get pretty boring so I signed up to every activity and opportunity I get to leave the room or boarding house. My extreme YOLO attutude played a part too. I love outdoors, adventure and anything weird. What more could I ask if I could go with a few of my friends? I embarked on a ski trip for the first time that day.

I remembered my aunty texting me “Stay safe”, my brother telling me “don’t die” and my room neighbour saying “Don’t get injured”.

Those farewell wishes, who knew it would actually come true.

It was August 12th 2011. The baby sloped were a breeze. Thanks to the years of ballet and dance background, my balance and strength kept me stable and one of the few who didn’t fall at all. The instructors praised me and that obviously boosted my pride. A few of my friends kept landing on their bums continuously, in my heart I was like, “Dear God, thank you for sending me to ballet all these years.” I swear ballet is kickass. Still the best sport and muscle training I’ve ever had in my life. Pretty much explainable in the extreme toned bodies of ballerinas.

She thought I was good, the instructor, who was also the French teacher of our school. She felt I was ready for the big game so she took me along to the big slopes with the chair lifts with a couple of others. Like seriously, my heart was all WHOOHOO at this point. Adrenaline rush everywhere due to excitement. I could’ve wet my pants anytime then.

The big slopes, they were no joke. I wasn’t scared. I loved heights and I’m a pretty good rock-climber myself. I loved climbing and abseiling down things, those were steep and these slopes should be easy. I was so wrong. 

Firstly, this was snow. It’s ice. It’s slippery. I forgot that steepness and ice gives you speed. Like seriously all the physics tests I aced in school were blanked of with my confidence and excitement. I fell on the snow for the first time on the big slope. My friends laughed, because I finally took a fall like they did in the baby slopes. It was a baby fall the first one, I laughed too. I fell a couple more times, each time I fell, the skis came off, it started to get annoying. I saw the distance I had to conquer before I reached the end. It was long.

I prayed a silent prayer. “God, I know you’re there, I know you’re here with me. Keep me safe. I trust you.” Fear had started to creep in and the excitement diminished as quickly as it came. The friends who came with me were calling all over. I was still leading the pack in the front. Suddenly my instructor yelled, “You don’t have to wait for us! You can go ahead and go faster!” She had so much confidence in me. She got that wrong too.

To be completely honest. I wasn’t ready. But the slopes started to look like a monster and I wanted to get back down as soon as possible to get it over with and the only way down was skiing. I did what she told me to do.

The speed. It was fast. It was the fastest. SHIT. I felt like I was losing control. I was. I said a quick version of my silent prayer. As soon as I said that, I crossed my skis to try and slow down. The friction wasn’t there though…

The skis didn’t come off as I fell this time.

I was on my face the next second

My legs an awkward position

I couldn’t feel my legs

Just pure sheer sharp pain seared across  my body.

Little did I know my life wouldn’t be the same for next 2 years.


That’s a very 12 year old thing to say but I’m saying it now anyway even though it’s 8 years past that time.

Don’t get me wrong though, I love my mum.

I know I haven’t been the best daughter most of the time. I know that because she always brings out all the random examples of “perfect daughters” which I don’t know where she got them from and I certainly don’t mirror those examples. I can’t do a lot of shit yes. My mum will then hear more stories from others and go, “See what kind of children do I have? None like them.”

As much as I want to be better it’s hard when you have a mum like that. I don’t understand. I get really annoyed. Instead of feeling inspired by those examples which is probably what my mother wants and hopes we do, I tend to do the opposite. Yes, and that makes me the definition of a bad daughter. I can’t stand the fact that I need to be something like this and that. Stupid examples. I know you make your mama happy and they’re proud, but it’s making mine miserable and making me even more miserable because I can’t seem to be like you guys. Please stop. Not stop being good to your mum but ask your mummies to stop boasting. Omgeedness its not making the world a better place.