Mental fitness

The video is completely unrelated to this post, but I love it. It’s my current jam, the scenery is fantastic, the concept is genius and the director is cute. Name me a better formula for a kick ass MV. It exemplifies my life and current state, a mess but making the best out of it.

Dad got his drug prescription today, after 2.5 weeks of anxious waiting since his blood samples were sent to US and Singapore for further testing. Good news is that it’s an FDA approved drug and it is targeted cell-therapy, but he didn’t qualify for the clinical trial drug, which “is suppose to be more potent and effective, but we don’t know side effects.”

To be honest I don’t know if I should be happy or sad that he didn’t qualify. I went ham at drug researching instead of my delegated investigative tasks at work today, stumbled upon some false news that it would “increase dad’s lifespan by 40%” and reported said false news to my 2 group chats. Omg had to correct force news later on, got myself blue ticked. Well, whatta streak. that, kids, is not how you support an emotional welping human-being, blue ticking.

Anyways, humiliation aside. I survived a 3 day work conference and submitting 2 academic submissions on time. Writing this and reminding myself that my head is still above water, I’m still breathing and I’m fine. It is not an easy feat, juggling full-time work, study and an emotionally unstable household. I’m not trying to toot my horn but look, the lack of peer to peer feedback I have with human beings, I need to rely on self-assurance and let myself know that I’m still okay, because I am.

The conference taught me the concept of mental fitness. Just like how people put priority on physical fitness, train for an actual running marathon, boy why do we not train for mental marathons. This past month has been a mental marathon, heck I’m still running and I can’t afford to be tired with all the work I have on.

Thank you for some suggestions, to ask me to slow down, take a breather and maybe defer my studies. I don’t know how long my dad has left, but at stage 4, I want my dad to attend my graduation.

It is my final semester, my final academic run, bring on the next 2 months, I won’t be running alone because I’ll be running on faith and Jesus. Watch me.

Also, if you hopefully listened to the song by the end of the post, or even payed attention to the lyrics, its a beautiful message of embracing what’s now and not worry about the future

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2019’s Mountain

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2018 was a year of setbacks and disappointments. Am I upset? I was.

Honestly I can only pray that 2019 will be different, but having setbacks is inevitable, shit happens. It’s been over a week into the new year and I still see some of my old habits manifesting from within even though I’ve been yelling out “New Year New Me/You” to everyone close to me and annoying the shit outta them.

But it will be different, not in a miraculous way of sudden lightbulb and magically switch from a Disney fairy godmother, but from the strength given from God and using it when given. You see, God gives me strength, He has blessed me with a lot of things but actually utilising it and pulling yourself together with it is very different. God gives us freewill and in the end of the day, I have the choice, I have to do it and I have to get my shit together.

One of the grossiest habit I have is my phone and shamefully, social media. I remember unfollowing a bunch of people in the past year and found myself following the same category (but different) toxicity on the gram. They’re not bad people or things, but I unhealthily compare myself, all the damn time to these “influencers”, people who have the sponsorship to look good, looking good for a living and getting paid to workout and have no other responsibilities. Unrealistic comparisons. To the extent of toxicity that plays with my brain, toxic emphasis that I am not good enough and the reason for why I am what I am.

Why did I follow them? I thought it would be a good motivation to work hard so maybe… just maybe… I could be like them? Just your childish #goals mentality in terms of body and beauty and makeup. Before Instagram, it was my mirror, walls and posters. I had pictures of fit girls and all sorts of shit stuck on my wall as a form of motivation, the difference was it was the same girl… everyday, unlike the the fresh variants of photos I get on a daily basis. But my wall-sticking habit got my fam worried for a period as they thought I was lesbian (I never had boy posters LOL). Its very different from a poster goal. The brain runs wild and just like the variants of photos, it churns out a variant of thoughts. It starts like a small seed unconsciously and grows before you know it, you are just scrolling and thinking you can attain the same thing by looking through the screen instead of getting up and putting the damn effort.

Anyway, new habits to grow, 355 days left to the year and its a conscious effort to do so.

I need to remain focus with the goal to score. Score a job, score the body, score the new skills and habits I hope to attain.

One of my goals/ bucket lists I’ve wanted to accomplish for a while is to climb Mount Kinabalu. It’s the highest mountain in South East Asia. My dad has done it when he was my age. Climbing a mountain has been a dream of mine, the whole idea of challenge just drives me.

This was a dream before the gram. A dream to prove to myself that I can climb a mountain, through any mountain of physical and mental obstacles, I can.

I can only pray that I’d be more focus this year. Just giving myself that little more of a push from 2018, knowing that setbacks are only motivations for more steps to get over the mountain, I will see the sunrise by the end of the year, mentally and physically. Daring to hope for more.

 

2018 reflections, extended.

“just like how physical strength can be trained, so can mental strength be”.

a quote from my ig post, hence why I call this an extension… of my ig post. Before claiming that it’s from me, I quite honestly think it’s something I’ve heard/read somewhere through this year but can’t remember the exact source.

2018 has been the return of the mental game, with multiple flashbacks from 2012 and 2015, the years where I struggled enormously with my mental health. Now that I’ve physically written them down, it seems like a 3 year trend. 3 year trend because these years were the seasons where I was transitioning life-stages:
2012: VCE and recovering from ACL surgery
2015: Leaving BSc for LLB
2018: Trying to secure a clerkship that resulted with nothing.

The last few months of 2018 was spent applying for jobs/clerkships and receiving rejections. I’ve also switched casual jobs, from jewellery retail in a big brand with a predominantly Asian environment,  to apparel retail in a predominantly white environment. Today was the last work day of 2018 and it ended with a customer yelling at me and my colleague ratting me out for not following procedure (I’ve only been there 2 months, I thought what I was doing the right thing and no one called me out the last 2 months).

I started 2018 filled with hope, I envisioned ending 2018 with a secured clerkship in my dream firm with the promises of a grad program. That the London decision will boost my chances and that my sacrifice in 2015 would be proven fruitful, that I was meant to work in law and will work in law. No. Not a single law firm loved me. This is why 2015 flashback happened, I was so traumatised by it that I wondered and doubted the decisions I made, that maybe I should have gone back to Malaysia and did a Dental Degree to be a dentist and take over the family clinic. Future is failproof. I now ended it with my second shitty retail job with my manager giving me a warning and telling me she is giving me a talk the first thing in 2019.

Start of the year, I did a hike in Penang, over strained my knee and fell down. I survived a near death fall but I inflamed my previous old ACL injury. Going through the MRI once again gave me 2012 flashbacks of how I wrecked myself physically and the fears of going back into it again. I wondered if I didn’t wreck my ACL in the first place, not go on ski camp, not gain my extra 10kg, less depression, scored better in VCE because of less depression, maybe a better ATAR so I wouldn’t even be here.

Did you see that stupid causal chain of depresso I created in my head.

It was a mental game. All boiled down to the mental strength.

I didn’t know how to get back up. I was so welled up with them emotions.

2 weeks ago, I picked up the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. It was something I had been hoping to get my hands on and placed a reservation for the book, 7th in queue, in the local library. I finally got it and halfway through, Angela opened a whole new meaning into the game, grit. Life is a mental game, heck we gotta learn to play it to survive it.

Just like how people train hard for a soccer game, we had to train for these life games.

the most successful people are not the smartest, but the grittiest

I was one of the last kids in my ballet class to land that 180 degree split. It was weeks, months, years of stretching and splitting, every damn night. There were times I limped home after a stretching class, my teacher had stretched me too hard. 7 years after starting ballet at 3 years old, I finally got my ass on the ground at 10, pretty late for a ballerina. However it’s been 8 years since I’ve quit the sport, I still can split today. But I can’t go a month without pushing my legs and feeling that pain in my stretch to get my ass onto the ground.

Good things don’t come without pain. Reading the book brought back so much ballet memories, a sport so gruelling yet satisfying. The pain paid off till today, I was determined to get that split and I got it.

I may be the last to graduate among my friends, probably the last to secure a proper job too, just like how I was among the last to land that split. But I will get my ass on the ground, no matter how long it takes and how many pubic tendons I have to tear. The muscle can only build through tissue tears. If this is how God is going to tear me to make me stronger, I will tear and build for this race I was set to run.

I welcome 2019 with open arms, even if it is to come with pain, it will be turned into strength, tear by tear. In 2019 I will be building grit.

2018 didn’t end the way I wanted but it ended with a knowledge that I didn’t know I needed. Just like how a sports person needs a physiotherapist for injuries, we need psychologists for the mind.

Just like how physical injuries can be healed, so can mental injuries.