I want to begin by first establishing that this post is not about self-pity and self-loath.
To bring myself to write again was a challenge, to write about things that I am not proud of is another. The week has been filled with emotional and irrational crying and embarrassing behaviour that I realised that, one of the first steps to change is acknowledging ones wrong.
I haven’t been the best sister.
The recent weeks have been a prime example of that. The number of times I blamed the struggles and sorrows on the people around me, especially those at home, have been through the roof. It’s human nature to blame, the reason “blame games” is familiar in human vocabulary is because of the normality that it has been formed in our lives. What is normal, isn’t always correct.
I tried to imposed my beliefs and dreams on my brother. I couldn’t wrap around the understanding on why he was so different, why it took him so long, why he never had the dreams I had, why couldn’t he snap out of his shit faster, why is it so difficult for him to understand me, but clearly with all the whys… I wasn’t understanding him in the first place.
Through the fights we had, he through me multiple “You will never understand me” phrases. I retaliate with phrases of him not getting my drift that’s why, him being difficult, him not changing. It wasn’t until today when I was told by a friend that in fact, what he said was true, I will never be able to understand him and he may never understand me either.
At this point, I’ve portrayed myself as the most annoying sister in the world. My brother probably vouches that and awards me that title on a daily basis. It’s because my actions portray so, but it was never the intention of my true feelings.
I just want him to be well.
In the end of the day, despite all the cussing and insults we throw at each other and evilness that we continuously invoke from within. I love my brother to death. There has been nightmares of me losing him and I wake in breaking sweat. The fear is real but my reacts come out harsher than my true feelings, my fear provokes the nagginess within me and drives the present wedge between us further and further till there is no tomorrow.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18
Fear is punishing, the punishment so far is the wedge that has been created between us.
For the first 15 years of my life, my brother and I shared a room. The same damn bedroom even through puberty. I was there through some of his worst nightmares and I’m sure he has seen mine. I was there when we illegally created his first Facebook account in our room and we snuck the laptop into our room together.
The enemy and fear has implanted this fear and lie that we were never close. It has wiped the bond and it was the punishment of the fear I had.
I know you props will never read this. But know that I love you and that I’m truly sorry for those things. I’m sorry this has happened between us and the hurt that I’ve caused. However I want you to know this, I have never lied to you and never will. The reasons I run is from the fear of you believing other parties and the fear manifested nonetheless. You may never trust me again, you continue to loathe me with God knows what. I will still love you because you are the brother whom I’ve shared the room with till Almaspuri when we finally got our own rooms. You are the only brother I have, I’m sorry I can’t and may never understand you but I will be here as a sister and not a parent/teacher/counsellor. I’m sorry I never listened to your crazy adventures when you wanted me to and I am sorry that I cannot and will not be able to provide you the help that you need from now on.
I want to be just a sister and a sister only from now on. I will be that sister who will be with you through the shittest time, I will be there to create more Facebook accounts and sneaky internet nights like we did back in BU. I’ll just be that. I just want you to be happy. I have been, and will always be your sister.