All that Jazz and Living on a Prayer

I know it looks wild, but the song is currently my anthem.. for my motivation. I’m literally living on a prayer right now, just for my life in general, it’s the only thing I can hold on to and have faith in what I’m doing. Had this song on repeat during my train ride to university…

This song just exudes so much energy, that girlpower, all over that song (a bit of feminist talk here I know). But seriously, I need all that power I can get right now. I need that power to hold on to that faith, that faith is something I need to survive, to have faith that I can pull this through, that God is still with me in this exhausting race that I don’t know when on earth it’s going to finish.

I was having this life debate with my mum this morning, I wouldn’t call it an argument because no shouting or yelling was involved (Thank God), but it has been going on for a while now, especially with the stupid GAMSAT looming over my life this Saturday and I am totally unprepared for it (and going to wing it). I have been really beating myself up the past few days with so much frustration over how unprepped I am for this 9 hour long exam (it’s basically a whole day affair), it’s not even a guarantee I would get into Melbourne University Dentistry and I’m gonna still have to drain my brains and drain my wallet ($400) on that day. So sick of the guilt of signing up for an exam without being prepared for it.

But mum shared with me this verse, the famous verse to run with perseverence.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us – Hebrews 12:1

It slapped me back into perspective. The past couple of weeks since starting uni, I’ve been united with my friends whom I haven’t seen in ages. I’ve been listening to their stories of new breakups, new boyfriends and new crushes… As much as I want to say I don’t care and I’m not affected, it subconsciously did (in very low levels though). I think my mum sort of knew it too like all mothers do, she’s trying to hit me in the head the nicest way possible without being legally arrested. Thank God for the verse because she’s safe from the police now.

I know I’m seeing myself in this sad depressing single life with an unknown future while I see my friends lapping around with multiple potential partners and preparing themselves for graduation and the job scene for next year. But God doesn’t see it that way, and I have to believe and continue to remind myself in my heart that there is a plan for me. He has. He will deliver.

He has given me a lot of provision already, as I look back in my life. Currently, I’m in one of the best universities in the country, a loving family, the opportunity to go overseas and going on mission trips, a church, but am I using them the way He wants me too? He has given me the things I need to succeed in life, yet I feel bleak with the lowest confidence in this race.

I realised the importance of faith and trust. One slip back can make you slide very far away… I do admit, I did a slip. It was just a small slip, but I did not climb back fast enough. I’ve neglected certain things that I shouldn’t have and have beaten myself up mentally for it. But God tells me I shouldn’t.

I want to believe in miracles.
He tells me I can.

No. I have not given up on this race. I won’t. Still going, still having that faith.

Side note

I got into the Jazz team. Things you don’t know about me is that the few things that give me joy besides God’s love is Dance. It’s a blessing that I still managed to be selected with a popped retarded knee. Maybe it’s God telling me that I have strength and He’ll give me strength.

yayyyy. 1st practice also starts todayyy

Mercies in Disguise

Before I begin, I’d like to apologize for the lack of presence for the past few weeks… teehee

Yes. It has been a crazy amount of weeks and I’m not gonna lie about my faith, emotions and all that nonsense being tested… because they were… tested. Crazy floods of doubts and fears and speculation kept swarming my brain and I kid you not, there were times in my room while I was by myself… I don’t really know what my position in life was anymore.

It’s crazy to think that I could even end up in that position. Seeing as I had lined up such an amazing plan for myself, had such crazy amazing experiences last year (which I thought would help me be prepared for a great 2015), daaaaang I was pretty wrong and had such high hopes.

Okay before I make everything sound so depressing, there were some things really helped open my eyes about what I really am and what I’ve been exposed to, really threw me into some deep thinking for a while. But yes, I shall detail some of these crazy things that has been buried in my cerebral cortex for a while..

  1. The GPA isn’t high enough

    I think this was like the start of my downward spirals, discovering the importance of my GPA a bit too late one night and the reality dawned on me that my dreams of being a dentist may not be achieved and I was dum enough to pick a course that unrealistically couldn’t get me there. It was just a random night where I was googling about my postgrad education application, the fact that my GPA wasn’t even their bare minimum made my tear ducts wanna pop and my heart explode with anguish. I spent days just beating myself up about all the stupid decisions I’ve made as a first year uni student and probably as a high school student as well, I was in that chair of regret for at least a week. I should also mention the fact I was living alone that whole time so my emotions were most definitely out of control and I locked myself up in the most introverted way possible (didn’t help).

  2. Leaving Melbourne
    I was born here, but I wasn’t bred here. But it has been my home for the past 6 years of my life and I have finally blended into my birth country, with great energy. I can’t emphasise enough on the fact that it takes an immense amount of effort for an introvert to fit in, from experience. When I presented the fact about my GPA to my parents, it dawned to me that if I were still keen on my dreams, I will have to leave Melbourne to pursue and maybe even leave Australia itself. I spent a good several weeks (and still am) questioning myself, Do you still want to be a dentist? I seriously don’t want to leave mainly because I have grown so accustomed to everything and honestly can’t be bothered setting up a brand new life again.
  3. Career switching?
    It was something I have always visioned myself doing, being a dentist. Really. Friends who have known me the longest can’t imagine me being something else either because it was something I’ve always ranted about. When I proposed my plan of career switching to my parents, they weren’t quite accepting about it. You must be thinking… they want you to be a dentist, not you. But no. I myself can’t really vision myself being anything else. Mum believes my sense of dejectment was due to the fact I ran out of energy to run this race God gave me. I believe there was some truth in it. I’ve been running this race (to be a dentist) for so long, is it really worth giving it up now? Or will there be another calling? which i don’t know… Am I suppose to bum around while I wait? I’ve decided that I should just continue sticking to this..
  4. Guy friends
    I guess this is the good part. Growing up, I only had girl friends as my closest hangout buddies, (girls school didn’t help much either). I can now say I’ve finally been out on a meal with a guy for the first time at the ripe old age of 20 (wasn’t a date). My closest friends can testify that I don’t text guys and if I talked to guys, they were pretty much surface talk. Legit.
    This summer semester somehow, I was placed in an assignment group where I was the only girl. Can honestly say I was pissed and freaking out in the inside. I was equally as pissed at my group mates because their working style was not what I was comfortable with. But then how weird, when I was asked to lunch by one of them after our tute. The others has pretty much disappeared after out assignment and he was the only one in my tute I talked to, for the first time I got to hung out with a guy one on one without awkwardness (I did before but it  was so awkward). I struck a friendship with him and another guy in my group that I never expected. The topics I got to converse with these guys were actually intellectually stimulating, wasn’t the typical girl-boy flirt stuff a lot of my friends love to do (and I hate) that I always witness and squirm at. The politics and global issues… man it was so far-fetched than the usual gossips of my closest friends. Not that I hated it or them, but it was refreshing to talk about things other than ourselves. These guys were of different faiths (Muslim) and I also got such a deeper insight to another religion I was familiar yet not, I realised that Abrhamiam religions have a lot more in common than we believed it to be (should honestly stop fighting each other).

Well all these happened the past few weeks during my summer semester. I’m currently back on the daily grind of the new semester, new challenges and struggles have already been spouting at my face when I’ve yet to resolve the ones before. I’ll briefly mention that they have to do with my church commitments which I have promised people I’ll commit to but finding it hard to juggle with the new schedule I’m having.

God is this really what you want? and Why are you putting me in this position? have been my new daily chants and desperations. I have yet to get answers for these questions and it puts me in great stress as well because I have to give answers to the other human beings around me when God has yet to give me an answer.

No I don’t get booming voices in my head like most people do. But one thing I know for sure.. At least that part is answered, from Laura Story’s song

“all these trials of this life, could be His mercies in disguise…”

I get my inspiration from my bus ride iPod sessions.