Hello hunnies, after a good 6 months of hiatus I’m back.
As you know, when I’m back, some shit surely went down and you’re sure as hell right because why else am I here. But I’ve left it 6 months too long and 6 months worth of journalling I may as well shoot my shot at asking Penguin Books to publish and monetise my life, but I ain’t about that life (yet). Also I have an assignment due tomorrow and I am now a full time adulting in the corporate world (I know! after all those sob stories of being jobless!!), so this piece is short, let’s hope.
Crink isn’t fully CRINKED if I don’t welp about this rollercoaster life, I’d rant about all the shit that went down, on how it has wrecked me and how I will survive the shits yet again. I did hunnies, I did and sometimes I’m glad I write them down because at times like these I can laugh at myself being the trivial bitch I can be about life and call those stuff massive, at the time.
So, straight to the point, my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer exactly a month ago.
He semi-collapsed a day he was due to fly back to KL, after a close-call to a cardiac arrest and an emergency procedure that saved his life, when you’d think God has answered your prayers and life is normal again. BOOM, sorry folks, your fam has cancer, not just any cancer but stage 4 absolute last stage of them all.
It’s been a month.
Have I processed the news yet? Nope. While life and routine has slowly regained it’s rhythm, I’m back at work and I’m getting back into the library on weekends again to remind myself I’m still a student. I haven’t fully grasped, or tried, to process the emotions fully out of this whole episode. I don’t even know how to feel or express myself each time someone asked me if I’m okay, or if I’m even coping okay?
Imagine 20-50 people asking you the same question.
I am? I mean straight after helping dad move to the oncology ward I’ve swung back into work full-time (neglected my studies though). I tried with all the strength and power I had to block emotions, despite crying all the fluids out of my body in the first 2 days of the news, to not let it detriment my life and career. I just got this new job. I was so fuelled by the “You are so strong” and “stay strong” comments that I left no room to slow down.
Dad was adamant for me to carry on normally with life, Life goes on Juanlin, I don’t want you to stop your life because of me. That fuelled me even more, wtf is emotions and all I did was push push go go and trust that God will handle the rest because, I know He does.
I’ve been absent from church, home group and even took a break from Youth. While it seems to paint a picture that I’ve fallen away due to this news, it hasn’t. God has showed me how much I needed Him, how much of the past few years has moulded me and even though I thought those years made me stronger, Oh child… you still need Me, don’t try this bullshit yourself.
God revealed that no matter how hard I try, I’m weak and only through His strength can I only pull through. So no, I am not strong.
To the people wondering how I’ve managed to weave through work, study, and juggling the heavy emotions at home the past month, God did. The month I’ve stayed away from church has pulled me the closest to God.
While yes I may have been a bit slightly unhinged in terms of language and so forth, slightly, I’m still my very own self. I’ve pulled back things due to the reputation I had to keep in front of u18s. But look, life pulls us and stretches us in various directions there is no one way formula to live it out. I was living through a formula as a youth leader and I think this little break has allowed me to breach out of my shell for a bit. I love it but it doesn’t mean I love God any less.
Now am I okay? Soz we went on a tangent
I can’t say I am neither am I not. The first 3 weeks post cancer news I couldn’t sleep. The first night after a good few hours of crying, I jolted out of bed. I had the weirdest 2 visions of one, a funeral, two, my dad walking me down the aisle. For the first 2 weeks, my body clock jolted me up at 3am sharp no matter what time I went to bed. To get myself a good 6 hours of sleep before work, I had to be in bed by 9pm, then roll around the bed from 3-6am.
I couldn’t eat. My appetite was a complete mess and as a person who binge ate every hour and struggled to lose weight over the years, I lost 2 kilos in a week. I didn’t even feel hungry at all. Even as my appetite slowly gained it’s momentum, I suddenly resisted it due to the weight loss that seemed to fuel the hole and desire I wanted for so long, filling the emotional distress that I was going through. I spent a good few days wrestling with myself at this building disorder and the validity of my emotions towards food. It’s still a battle and maybe, I might keep you posted.
Dad had his samples posted to USA and Singapore for further testing for his qualification for clinical trial drugs. This Tuesday, we’d possibly find out the results. At stage 4, you’d want anything to keep you alive, to keep your family alive, even if you have no idea what the drug can do and it’s side-effects yet known to the world.
I am clinging on to the second vision of my dad walking me down the aisle, I need him there. I don’t know what I’d do without him, as selfish as I am, I’m not ready to let him go. I’m praying for him to be there for my graduation, my Masters, my wedding and my children.
there is so much for him to see, please be there for him, I beg you. While I could have been a better daughter, I know You are merciful. It’s not just me, Ma and Maowen needs him too. Provide him a miracle, let my dad live beyond the statistics, please.