I’ve been meaning to post here for days now… actually more like weeks since I’ve promised.
I’ve had ideas in my brain that I’ve been meaning to put into words but I can’t seem to do it. I can’t believe I procrastinated blogging.
I’m flying to Philippines tomorrow. My very first mission trip. The one I’ve been rambling for months now. I was suppose to prepare for it, to reduce this fear that is still in me.
To be honest. I’m still scared. It’s a hard truth, hard fact.
I know I have God by my side. I do trust God. I love God with all my heart and I have all the faith.
But I still feel very unprepared. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m running a very long path into a wall that I hope will magically open like Platform 9 3/4. The wall better open or I’ll be damaged for life. Currently, it still feels like I’m running into a wall and I’m praying so hard it opens.
We were told to do so much preparation before the trip. Devotions, prayer, fasting. I didn’t do them as full steam as I should’ve and the way others did (probably why I feel unprepared). I see the kids younger than me taking it seriously and here I am, one of the older ones, living a lesser holy life than I’m suppose to be before the trip.
During my flight to Kuala Lumpur, I finished the remaining chapters of Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtick. I thought I was ready, I told myself these fears were lies and God still has plans. I prayed and tried to build as much confidence as I can during the few days I’ll spend in KL before Philippines.
But then stuff happened.
I was supposed to be in charge of the orphanage activities and sunday school during the mission trip. The notes I made during the last meeting I had with my team were left in Melbourne. The lollies I bought for the kids were left in Melbourne. My brain became a mess. I replanned everything and tried to remember as much as possible for the things that I should bring for the kids. I did not want to tell my team what I did because I was the oldest there and stuffing up is something I’m pretty against on anyway (which I did). I planned a back up sunday school lesson in case things went haywire, but I’ve never planned a lesson before and it didn’t make any sense. I’m sticking to it anyway because my brain juices are running out.
Then someone on my team can’t make it to the trip. She planned the original lesson.
I was already mad with myself for letting myself leaving things behind.
As I shopped for the things, I realised the stuff were costing me more than I imagined. The toys and equipment that I had visualised in my head did not seem to equate to it in reality. It felt like I was overspending but in the same time it didn’t look enough. Everything I bought didn’t seem to look right. “I hope the church will pay you back for some of this”, says my dad. It was his wallet anyway. I have no job. Extra guilt feelings just swarm me.
In the same time the church is already paying for my accommodation on the whole trip. It would be such a cheap skate of me to demand money for all the gifts and equipment I was buying for the kids.
No one said mission trip was easy.
No one said mission trips were a holiday.
I’m beginning to understand why and I haven’t even started the trip. I’ve been constantly asking God this question the past few weeks
Why are you sending me on this trip when I am CLEARLY NOT READY?
I type trustgod as my computer password, which I key it in at least 10 times daily. It is a reflex keyboard action to my fingers now.
But believing what my fingers do everyday is another story, I’ve got to make it a mental reflex action.
I haven’t been praying as hard as I should, Reading your word as much as I should, living the life I’m suppose to live. The reasons why I am so unprepared is so clear before me. Yet I find it so hard to bring myself to correct it.
Take this thing.. whatever it is.. out of me. Fill me with that trust, love, faith and joy that I had in You. Give me the strength that I’m suppose to have and let me use You as my shield from the enemy.
Keep the team and I safe Lord as we journey on this trip. Help us touch the lives and help the people and children that we will be seeing there. Let us be your vessel, to these people.
Lord I hope I am worthy of being Your vessel and Your servant during this trip. I’m so sorry if I wasn’t living the way I’m suppose to be during the lead up to this trip. I hope I will make You proud, it is the only deepest desire I have right now.
I will take whatever challenge You would want to throw at me with love and I will do Your work with love. In whatever hardship I may face I will praise Your name still and look to your face.
I wholly trust in You God. This journey, not just the next 10 days but my life in a whole. I don’t know what you want to do in my life but I’m going to continue trusting and trusting and trusting like I’ve always said. Even though at times I can be the worst idiot ever lived on this planet.
We are still a team. I know we are. You’ve always been my best partner in every battle and You’ll be the only weapon I would want to take with me each time I go into it.