Belated reflections and resulotions

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While the year is still young and before 2014 is too far behind us, it’s better to do this post sooner than later. Also a fantastic excuse to test out this hand me down iPad keyboard from mum on my brand new iPad that dad won from some bank competition. Combination of lucky and blessed hehe..

I can’t sum up 2014 in a sentence. It was a crazy year, like a year with such great ups and crazy downs. I would say it’s a year I definitely made much more friendships with others compared to 2013, it’s one of those new year resolutions I got right. It was also the year where I saw church and God in a completely new spectrum (which I pretty much documented a lot on this blog). Of course it was also the year I started this blog to do the worst rants on the planet and spew out my whole brain even when I hate to do it so publicly such irony.

It may sound like I accomplished a lot, like it was a pretty killer year, but it was also the year I was told I may have had depression without knowing it. I think being told that fact by the counsellor just made me more depressed way to go mate. I scored the suckiest results in my academics in my entire living history, which was pretty much the cause of my down low. A huge part of me wanted to blame God for the whole episode as I was beginning on such a journey with Him already. But I saw it as a wake up call that God was trying to give me, I was being too slack. I was.

Then the mission trip and a whole December whirlwind. I tell you, December is like everyone’s most dramatic month of the year. With all these holidays and festivities, it can never be as smooth sailing as we envisioned it to be months ahead. Something always pops up, trust me, even when it starts good. It’s like a December thing.

2015

I seriously don’t know what to expect from you. I’ll be completely honest, more than half the things that happened in 2014 were completely out of the blue. I remember late January last year, while the year was still young and not too late for resolution making, I surrendered my year to God. My breaking down prayer from all the anxiety the day before serving in kid’s church for the first time, it’s still fresh in my brain.

God gave me 2014. It was a roller coaster ride. No I had no regrets. If there was any one thing I’d take out of it?

Trusting God. With all my heart and soul. Taking that gigantic leap of faith.

Lord, I don’t know what you’re going to do again this year. But I’m going to do the same thing as I did before and always will, 2015 is for You. Take it and use me. Give me the strength and guidance to accept and pursue whatever that You throw at me, to shield whatever that is going to stop me. Keep me strong and make me stronger in You. Keep me diligent and alert, especially in Uni, even though it can be such a drain but please give me energy.

One thing I know for sure, I wanna keep growing in the love for Jesus. He has shown me so much last year on all the things I could accomplish with Him, we’re like a freaking A team and beyond. I just can’t wait on how 2015 is going to turn out, I pray that it’s going to be more amazing, I pray the friendships I made last year will continue to grow and the friendships I made before that to continue to be strong.

I can already foresee 2015 being a challenging one, but which year isn’t? It’s the challenges that make the stories interesting and ourselves stronger. But with Jesus, it’ll be okay, I know it will be. The team is ready for any game, so bring it on!

My 2015 motto

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p/s: I conclude that the laptop keyboard still wins for blogging and long winded essays. If you have big fingers, I suggest to not even bother going for a tablet keyboard. I have like the smallest fingers among all the humans I know and I’m struggling. However it’s a win when taking lecture notes, gives you the speed compared to tapping the screen. But the money investment for short note-taking? Probs not worth it unless you’re a full time short-note taker like me aka student. (Mine is a hand-me-down from mum, she hates it)

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Mission – trippin. Battles.

I’ve been meaning to post here for days now… actually more like weeks since I’ve promised.

I’ve had ideas in my brain that I’ve been meaning to put into words but I can’t seem to do it. I can’t believe I procrastinated blogging.

I’m flying to Philippines tomorrow. My very first mission trip. The one I’ve been rambling for months now. I was suppose to prepare for it, to reduce this fear that is still in me.

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current feels

To be honest. I’m still scared. It’s a hard truth, hard fact.

I know I have God by my side. I do trust God. I love God with all my heart and I have all the faith.

But I still feel very unprepared. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m running a very long path into a wall that I hope will magically open like Platform 9 3/4. The wall better open or I’ll be damaged for life. Currently, it still feels like I’m running into a wall and I’m praying so hard it opens.

We were told to do so much preparation before the trip. Devotions, prayer, fasting. I didn’t do them as full steam as I should’ve and the way others did (probably why I feel unprepared). I see the kids younger than me taking it seriously and here I am, one of the older ones, living a lesser holy life than I’m suppose to be before the trip.

During my flight to Kuala Lumpur, I finished the remaining chapters of Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtick. I thought I was ready, I told myself these fears were lies and God still has plans. I prayed and tried to build as much confidence as I can during the few days I’ll spend in KL before Philippines.

But then stuff happened.

I was supposed to be in charge of the orphanage activities and sunday school during the mission trip. The notes I made during the last meeting I had with my team were left in Melbourne. The lollies I bought for the kids were left in Melbourne. My brain became a mess. I replanned everything and tried to remember as much as possible for the things that I should bring for the kids. I did not want to tell my team what I did because I was the oldest there and stuffing up is something I’m pretty against on anyway (which I did). I planned a back up sunday school lesson in case things went haywire, but I’ve never planned a lesson before and it didn’t make any sense. I’m sticking to it anyway because my brain juices are running out.

Then someone on my team can’t make it to the trip. She planned the original lesson.
I was already mad with myself for letting myself leaving things behind.

As I shopped for the things, I realised the stuff were costing me more than I imagined. The toys and equipment that I had visualised in my head did not seem to equate to it in reality. It felt like I was overspending but in the same time it didn’t look enough. Everything I bought didn’t seem to look right. “I hope the church will pay you back for some of this”, says my dad. It was his wallet anyway. I have no job. Extra guilt feelings just swarm me.

In the same time the church is already paying for my accommodation on the whole trip. It would be such a cheap skate of me to demand money for all the gifts and equipment I was buying for the kids.

No one said mission trip was easy.
No one said mission trips were a holiday.

I’m beginning to understand why and I haven’t even started the trip. I’ve been constantly asking God this question the past few weeks

Why are you sending me on this trip when I am CLEARLY NOT READY?

I type trustgod as my computer password, which I key it in at least 10 times daily. It is a reflex keyboard action to my fingers now.
But believing what my fingers do everyday is another story, I’ve got to make it a mental reflex action.

Lord,

I haven’t been praying as hard as I should, Reading your word as much as I should, living the life I’m suppose to live. The reasons why I am so unprepared is so clear before me. Yet I find it so hard to bring myself to correct it.

Take this thing.. whatever it is.. out of me. Fill me with that trust, love, faith and joy that I had in You. Give me the strength that I’m suppose to have and let me use You as my shield from the enemy.

Keep the team and I safe Lord as we journey on this trip. Help us touch the lives and help the people and children that we will be seeing there. Let us be your vessel, to these people.

Lord I hope I am worthy of being Your vessel and Your servant during this trip. I’m so sorry if I wasn’t living the way I’m suppose to be during the lead up to this trip. I hope I will make You proud, it is the only deepest desire I have right now.

I will take whatever challenge You would want to throw at me with love and I will do Your work with love. In whatever hardship I may face I will praise Your name still and look to your face.

I wholly trust in You God. This journey, not just the next 10 days but my life in a whole. I don’t know what you want to do in my life but I’m going to continue trusting and trusting and trusting like I’ve always said. Even though at times I can be the worst idiot ever lived on this planet. 

We are still a team. I know we are. You’ve always been my best partner in every battle and You’ll be the only weapon I would want to take with me each time I go into it.

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Let my heart rest in Yours. It will be safe in Your hands. Whatever that is in God’s hands will never break.

Trust.

I know it is a word that’s being used in quite a sarcastic tone now a days. But 2 days ago, it made me realise how important it is and what it really means to actually believe in it and that it actually worked.

I had my Anatomy mid-semester test on Tuesday. I winged it so hard, I was so not prepared but I wasn’t nervous or anything. I was so chilled which is pretty rare for me for an unprepared test. That’s not the point though… I was too chilled for it that I even woke up late for it.

Natural reflex when one is late to a test worth 15% of the grade is to panic. If I was to take the bus to uni like I usually do, I would be late and can kiss my test goodbye. I didn’t cover the whole syllabus required for the test, I knew it was going to be a test filled with guesses, if I missed it the difference wouldn’t be massive. But I don’t miss out on tests, even if I can get only a 2% out of it I don’t care. I panicked out of my lateness instead of unprepared-for-a-test state.

I decided to get on the car. My mum was dropping my brother to school anyway. He goes to school at Kew (near the city), which isn’t far from from uni (in the city).

My test starts at 9am. We dropped my brother off at school at 8.30am. Barkers Road traffic was stagnant. Instant reaction: die die die.

Mum decided to do some de-tours to avoid traffic. Each turn we made turned out worse, the traffic got heavier, no one was moving. We were stuck dead-on. She was obviously pissed at me, she had the right to be and I was pissed at myself, it was my fault after all.

After a few illegal turns, we ended up on the freeway and got on Alexandra Parade. Traffic still stagnant like any other road we were on. die die die.

I decided to plug my earphones in, pressed play on the iPod. Listening to my mother’s scolding wasn’t going to help me further and it was not the kind of mood I want to go into an un-prepared test for. Guess what was playing… of all the songs.

Yes. They were singing about trusting God too. As the lyrics go on “I will trust in Youuuuuuu, I will trust in Youuuuuuuu…” It’s not normally a song I would listen, I like my fast beat songs by Hillsong, Michelle Williams, Planetshakers, etc. I continued listening anyway. I looked out the window, the traffic was still stone as, no one was moving, it’s 8.57am. die die die.

I said a silent short prayer in my head. Okay God, I’m gonna trust you okay, if that’s what you want. Deep down I was crying but I trusted Him anyway, because the song kept going on about it. It is sometimes hard for me because of what happened ages ago during the ski trip, but I knew deep down I couldn’t use a single incident to justify everything He did for me.

I arrived at uni at 9.03am. I ran to the hall. Panting… as I reached.. I recognized someone from my subject standing outside the hall, then another, then another and another one. What? Aren’t they suppose to start?? I AM LATE.

“There was a stuff up with the venue, clash or something, so we’re starting late. The supervisors are late to, they’re setting up now.”

OH WOW.

OH WOW.

So this is TRUST.

IT WORKS.

IT IS REAL.

These little things that happen in my life, these small yet incredibly favours God does for me, just to remind me He is out there, He has my back. It is these things that happen that reassures me He is real and that He is alive in me. I believe it works for everyone, I believe my God is everyone’s God and that He loves everyone deep down no matter what. It is the step of faith you take to believe in him, the amount of trust you have in Him.

No, He never always gives immediate answers. There are times He makes us wait so long and it frustrates me too, every vessel of my body. But He does these small little things for me to remind me that He is still around looking after me, I’m still okay. I swear I know it’s Him, only God can make something like that happen, changing the schedule of the test and all, it’s mighty crazy and hard to believe, but I believe he played that song too.

God is good. He gives me strength to carry on in this crazy world.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (NIV)”