Trust.

I know it is a word that’s being used in quite a sarcastic tone now a days. But 2 days ago, it made me realise how important it is and what it really means to actually believe in it and that it actually worked.

I had my Anatomy mid-semester test on Tuesday. I winged it so hard, I was so not prepared but I wasn’t nervous or anything. I was so chilled which is pretty rare for me for an unprepared test. That’s not the point though… I was too chilled for it that I even woke up late for it.

Natural reflex when one is late to a test worth 15% of the grade is to panic. If I was to take the bus to uni like I usually do, I would be late and can kiss my test goodbye. I didn’t cover the whole syllabus required for the test, I knew it was going to be a test filled with guesses, if I missed it the difference wouldn’t be massive. But I don’t miss out on tests, even if I can get only a 2% out of it I don’t care. I panicked out of my lateness instead of unprepared-for-a-test state.

I decided to get on the car. My mum was dropping my brother to school anyway. He goes to school at Kew (near the city), which isn’t far from from uni (in the city).

My test starts at 9am. We dropped my brother off at school at 8.30am. Barkers Road traffic was stagnant. Instant reaction: die die die.

Mum decided to do some de-tours to avoid traffic. Each turn we made turned out worse, the traffic got heavier, no one was moving. We were stuck dead-on. She was obviously pissed at me, she had the right to be and I was pissed at myself, it was my fault after all.

After a few illegal turns, we ended up on the freeway and got on Alexandra Parade. Traffic still stagnant like any other road we were on. die die die.

I decided to plug my earphones in, pressed play on the iPod. Listening to my mother’s scolding wasn’t going to help me further and it was not the kind of mood I want to go into an un-prepared test for. Guess what was playing… of all the songs.

Yes. They were singing about trusting God too. As the lyrics go on “I will trust in Youuuuuuu, I will trust in Youuuuuuuu…” It’s not normally a song I would listen, I like my fast beat songs by Hillsong, Michelle Williams, Planetshakers, etc. I continued listening anyway. I looked out the window, the traffic was still stone as, no one was moving, it’s 8.57am. die die die.

I said a silent short prayer in my head. Okay God, I’m gonna trust you okay, if that’s what you want. Deep down I was crying but I trusted Him anyway, because the song kept going on about it. It is sometimes hard for me because of what happened ages ago during the ski trip, but I knew deep down I couldn’t use a single incident to justify everything He did for me.

I arrived at uni at 9.03am. I ran to the hall. Panting… as I reached.. I recognized someone from my subject standing outside the hall, then another, then another and another one. What? Aren’t they suppose to start?? I AM LATE.

“There was a stuff up with the venue, clash or something, so we’re starting late. The supervisors are late to, they’re setting up now.”

OH WOW.

OH WOW.

So this is TRUST.

IT WORKS.

IT IS REAL.

These little things that happen in my life, these small yet incredibly favours God does for me, just to remind me He is out there, He has my back. It is these things that happen that reassures me He is real and that He is alive in me. I believe it works for everyone, I believe my God is everyone’s God and that He loves everyone deep down no matter what. It is the step of faith you take to believe in him, the amount of trust you have in Him.

No, He never always gives immediate answers. There are times He makes us wait so long and it frustrates me too, every vessel of my body. But He does these small little things for me to remind me that He is still around looking after me, I’m still okay. I swear I know it’s Him, only God can make something like that happen, changing the schedule of the test and all, it’s mighty crazy and hard to believe, but I believe he played that song too.

God is good. He gives me strength to carry on in this crazy world.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (NIV)”

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Finding myself

I’ve just recovered from a food coma. So much food, so much glutttt…
Sunday lunches after church with the cousins in Box Hill never end well

It’s been a while since I’ve been in this space, the blogging world I mean. Uni life has been incredibly draining, it’s not even the end of the road yet. In fact it’s the time of the journey where one has to actually accelerate everything, I feel like I’m running out of petrol in this vehicle of mine. The pile of work that I need to accomplish, I don’t even know where to start. Just like what I told another fellow uni struggler yesterday, “I feel like I’m on chilled stress”. Being stressed, knowing I have to be stressed but not doing anything about it. I know it doesn’t make sense. Actually it doesn’t make sense to me either.

With all these things going on, Uni work, Sunday School and an upcoming event I have to plan… it’s been the busiest i’ve ever been since Year 11 (funnily not year 12). I love taking up activities and fill my time. I feel productive in a way.. even though I’m not sometimes (did not make sense). I remember all the sports and physical activities I used to plunge myself in back in Year 11, Badminton, Aerobics, Swimming, Dancing and obviously the fateful skiing. Everything came to a staggering halt after the stupid accident which led to a stupid injury. Boredom set in, I felt like I didn’t know who I was… Everything was gone… I couldn’t dance anymore.. Handicapped. I put on 10 kilos in the process, could even pass as Asian Fat Amy at a time.

Basically I was roaming around and drifting with my life for 2 years. I didn’t know where I was heading and my VCE results wasn’t the best and what I wanted. I had a depressing few months between the injury and surgery, which was my period of doubting God’s existence (long story here which will need a full post dedication). Next was my recuperation period, where I somehow gave my life back to him in the same time carrying the guilt for doubting him in the first place. Well the guilt didn’t help me get my life back on track. Every time I wanted to commit to something or ask for something, it’ll bring me back to the time when I doubted God and something tells me “you don’t deserve it”. Yes… it made me feel like crap for a long time.

However I got back into dancing this year. Finally after 2 years since the surgery. I started of with this “Ways to Move” Dance session, where we dance to the spirit and worshipping God through Dance. It made me feel this connection to God I’ve never felt before. Something so deep and so strong. The joy that filled me, through my body movement and spiritually, I couldn’t explain it. Lets just say I missed dancing so much. Furthermore, I was invited to this dance session by a girl I barely knew, I only met her 2 days before the session. She was from the new church I started attending and I barely knew anyone there. When she asked me if I wanted to attend, something tells me I had to, I barely jump into an unknown ship, but I did that day. Well that was the start of jumping into unknown ships and vehicles because I’ve been doing a lot of that ever since.

The dance sessions helped me a lot, for the first time in 2 years, I felt this deep connection with God again. I missed Him so much. I felt like God had just given me that gift back, it felt like.. BOOM BOOM POW. The 2 things I feel so passionate about returned to me in the same time. The world was going fine and everything is connected, it’s like all the planets just aligned.. YESS.

I enrolled myself in a 6 week ballet course with The Australian Ballet. The classes were intense as they were for non-beginners. I LOVED IT. I LOVE DANCE SO MUCH. I started setting goals to achieve my old dance body back again so I can get back into that whole routine. However just as my 6 week course ended, when everything was going so well, my knee gave way.. AGAIN. I didn’t go skiing, there were no cracks in the knees and there was no swelling. Just occasionally intense pain that came from the inside. Suddenly occasional became every time I flexed my knee straight. I did not know what was going on.

During that period of time, the sermons and the messages and basically everything I was hearing about was related to HEALING. I was getting the opposite. There were times I could feel the familiar depression that swarmed my emotions when I was in boarding school in Year 11. But each time it tried to creep in.. I tell myself that I have God with me. But then the guilt swarmed in, about the period I doubted God. Everything seemed to stop. The hectic dance life I had for the first few months had ended. To prevent myself from falling back into that depression I made myself busier… watching videos (I don’t know why), tried to put more effort in the Sunday School, go for a getaway with the church and try and make new friends, go and attend the uni ministry, go out with my friends.

I felt like if I get myself busy, I could find myself again, find this other new outlet (I don’t know what) that could probably replace that emptiness inside, distract me from depression.

I got it all wrong. The past few weeks I was chasing the wrong thing. What was actually empty again was my hunger for God. I felt like without dance I couldn’t achieve it. It made me feel empty. Even though all the things I was trying to keep myself busy with were church related things, which in the first time in my life I was actually participating in church-related stuff. It wasn’t really filling that gap.

I should be finding God. I should be chasing after God instead of myself. What was I doing. The only reason why dancing made me feel so good because of God. He gave me the strength to get back to it again. Without Him I wouldn’t be feeling that joy again. I remembered the period where I felt God’s presence the strongest, it wasn’t just the dance but everything else I did made me feel happy and just right at the same time. This stupid void should be filled with the hunger for God. I don’t know if what I just said here makes sense to you but somehow it just made sense to me.

God I know I’ve been chasing the wrong thing the past few weeks. I’m sorry. I’ve missed you Lord and I’m glad You’ve pulled me back into Your arms quicker than before and I thank you for blessing me with a good support system. I know things have been rough not just me emotionally but family, university and friends too. I know that it will align soon. I know You have a plan and I will continue trusting You. I know I shouldn’t be feeling that guilt anymore, You have told me time and time again that You love me and it has been all forgiven. I cry now not because of the guilt or the pain that I went through but the unfailing love you have displayed for me despite being such a terrible child.

Thank You for not giving up on me Lord.

The song that spoke to me during the week.
Had it on continuous replay, felt like it was God singing to me.

p/s: I was really bummed when Christina Grimmie didn’t win The Voice USA sighhhh.. Was totally Grimmified with all her performances (they were incrdible). Well I was a fan since her Youtube days. I’m just so proud of how far she’s come. Excited for her music and I know she won’t give up.

Also a regramming (not really) of lolojones which I saw just now I felt like PANG in the head and it was really speaking to me

Image

Toodles I shall end my incredibly long post after even after a p/s