Decision making

Here’s the deal, I’m the worst at decision making. It makes me wonder sometimes why I got picked into being a leader, leader’s are meant to be the best at decision making. Being indecisive is the worst trait of a leader (well I get annoyed if my leaders can’t make a decision). Which brings me to this, I’m a current kids leader that’s being lead by a kids pastor but currently being offered a position to run the toddler section as a proper leader alongside the kids pastor. I can’t decide. omgosh i actually can’t decide.

A normal human being would have leapt on it. I’m the kind who weighs-in the pros and cons, it’s easy if one outweighs another but it’s the worst if they even out and the weight balance is straight. I mean, THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THE WHOLE PROCESS. The more time I take to decide the more indecisive I get, it completely defeats the purpose of weighing out the issues.

I thought maybe because my brain can’t help itself and God wasn’t talking to me in booming voices, I should talk to people, people in church and the family (because God can speak to us through people, right?). The decision was divided and I’m back to square one. STILL UNDECIDED.

I decided to lay it off, since my senior pastor was away in America and he said he’ll discuss more about it with me regarding the position when I’m back. Besides, I had more pressing issues as a law student such as how to complete 2 law assignments due on the same day without head explosions. I’ve managed that well and better than the decisions I had to make, my head is still intact and it has to be as I have one more test due this Saturday on Constitutional Law.

Then the text came. My senior pastor (SP) is back from America. I have not made a decision. He wants to do an interview next week. 

Brain went on panic mode. The cool calm and collected manner I was planning to have for this Saturday’s test went off-course. SP even asked for my CV, like whuuut… I haven’t even drafted my Consti answers and my CV hasn’t been updated in months.

Times like these, a burning bush wouldn’t scare me. I’d rather a burning bush with God’s voice telling me to decide with A or B than walk around like and aimless drunk.

I’ve been listening to heaps of Chad Veach podcasts the past couple of weeks, many rechoing the main message that God has a plan and that if we stray, He’ll bring as back anyway.

Panic mode clearly didn’t help. I told myself that I should fast and pray on the matter but I didn’t. I ended up shoving it aside, convincing myself I had more priorities like my law assignments. I did not hand the issue to God, which I told my friends I would and that “He’ll help me decide” because I have other things to do. I deliberately dumped it in the corner. I thought I had 2 weeks on the matter but 2 weeks felt like 2 days and now SP is back and I need an answer.

Light Bulb moments

There is a significant difference with leaving the issue with God and dumping it aside and let it rot. God is not going to pick it up for use. He helps us when we are in need, yes, but we have to do the action, ourselves. As in we have to actively pray about it, it should not affect every minute of our lives but neither should be completely ignore it. We have to hand it to God with our own hands in complete surrender and ask for His guidance daily on the matter.

I did it all wrong.

But wrong doesn’t mean an automatic failure.

I have 1 more week. 1 more week to decide. It’s not too late.

One more week to Seek Him, Pray and ask the right help.

 

 

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A United Stand

It hurts to know what happened on Nov 13th. It makes people angry, especially to those where Paris and the French people hold a special place in their hearts. Discovering the motives of these horrendous actions just fuels more anger, hurt and sadness, which the media is doing an extremely good job on their part.

My cousins are French, born Parisians and raised Aussies. But they are stil French and it’s thick in their blood. Their grandparents live in Paris and they are the sweetest, I’ve met both Mami and Papi personally and their tante is an absolute gem. So yes, Paris and the people have a close place in my heart and it definitely shook our family. My aunt came over to our house the next day with the worry of not being able to get in contact with her in-laws who live on the fringe of Paris, it was devastating (we later found out they’re alright).

Seeing the support Paris is getting does warms my heart, it truly does. I woke up this morning to my Facebook feed with an influx of friends changing their display pictures to the French flag filters. Every single social media platform I was logging on had their logos switched to the French flag. My instagram was streaming in with photos of the Tour Eiffel as a peace sign of the Tour itself.Screen Shot 2015-11-15 at 6.34.58 PM

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My aunt and cousins had the filters on and it was natural that they did.  I was about to do the same, I wanted to stand in solidarity with the French people, but then something held me back.

#prayforparis

Paris isn’t the only city hurting.

Japan just experienced a devastating earthquake.

A suicide bombing attack just occurred in Beirut, killing and wounding over 200 people.

Baghdad experienced suicide bombings as well…

I don’t see Facebook doing any filters for them.

The Syria and Palestine war has been ongoing for months, the refugee crisis was all over the news. Shooting and bombings were a daily catastrophe and traumatizing event for the people. It is terrorizing, mentally and physically. It has become the norm for some of these children.

France is full on social media savvy compared to the other side of the world. Their sudden peace and comfort definitely shook their world and their people took the social media by storm, alerting others across the world with the exact same privileges.

The Syrians and middle-eastern people don’t have that privilege. Their cries of help have been going on for months, people see them as pests as they stream into Europe for refuge. Facebook hasn’t give them a “filter” for support over the past few months. #prayforsyria wasn’t trending.

Like I said, I love France and it holds a special place in my heart. But I don’t want to just ONLY stand for Paris and #prayforparis. As God’s people we should show a united front, we should show solidarity for the world, for the other innocent people hurting. Paris needs our prayers BUT so does others.

It hurts my heart that even through this difficult time, people are choosing sides on who to pray for, casting out Muslims and throwing shade at others. The real enemy rejoices when he sees this because that is what he wants, he wants to see the brokenness in people and he thrives in seeing all the hurt and anger, he stirs more trouble by killing more.

We can’t pick sides. It is time, we as humanity, to set aside our differences and stand together and pray for everyone and open our eyes, look out for other brothers and sisters in countries that are in permanent suffering. We shouldn’t let one major event open our eyes and shun the other ongoing problems.

The media plays a huge role in this no doubt. It is undeniably one of the most powerful tool in the 21st century, it can make or break people, it can make or break the world.

We are part of the media. We all own a social media account. We take charge of what we post and share. We CAN make or break the world. We have the tool to change it. Use it.

Here’s one of my favourite songs from the Legend himself, because.. We are the World that God has blessed us with.

All that Jazz and Living on a Prayer

I know it looks wild, but the song is currently my anthem.. for my motivation. I’m literally living on a prayer right now, just for my life in general, it’s the only thing I can hold on to and have faith in what I’m doing. Had this song on repeat during my train ride to university…

This song just exudes so much energy, that girlpower, all over that song (a bit of feminist talk here I know). But seriously, I need all that power I can get right now. I need that power to hold on to that faith, that faith is something I need to survive, to have faith that I can pull this through, that God is still with me in this exhausting race that I don’t know when on earth it’s going to finish.

I was having this life debate with my mum this morning, I wouldn’t call it an argument because no shouting or yelling was involved (Thank God), but it has been going on for a while now, especially with the stupid GAMSAT looming over my life this Saturday and I am totally unprepared for it (and going to wing it). I have been really beating myself up the past few days with so much frustration over how unprepped I am for this 9 hour long exam (it’s basically a whole day affair), it’s not even a guarantee I would get into Melbourne University Dentistry and I’m gonna still have to drain my brains and drain my wallet ($400) on that day. So sick of the guilt of signing up for an exam without being prepared for it.

But mum shared with me this verse, the famous verse to run with perseverence.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us – Hebrews 12:1

It slapped me back into perspective. The past couple of weeks since starting uni, I’ve been united with my friends whom I haven’t seen in ages. I’ve been listening to their stories of new breakups, new boyfriends and new crushes… As much as I want to say I don’t care and I’m not affected, it subconsciously did (in very low levels though). I think my mum sort of knew it too like all mothers do, she’s trying to hit me in the head the nicest way possible without being legally arrested. Thank God for the verse because she’s safe from the police now.

I know I’m seeing myself in this sad depressing single life with an unknown future while I see my friends lapping around with multiple potential partners and preparing themselves for graduation and the job scene for next year. But God doesn’t see it that way, and I have to believe and continue to remind myself in my heart that there is a plan for me. He has. He will deliver.

He has given me a lot of provision already, as I look back in my life. Currently, I’m in one of the best universities in the country, a loving family, the opportunity to go overseas and going on mission trips, a church, but am I using them the way He wants me too? He has given me the things I need to succeed in life, yet I feel bleak with the lowest confidence in this race.

I realised the importance of faith and trust. One slip back can make you slide very far away… I do admit, I did a slip. It was just a small slip, but I did not climb back fast enough. I’ve neglected certain things that I shouldn’t have and have beaten myself up mentally for it. But God tells me I shouldn’t.

I want to believe in miracles.
He tells me I can.

No. I have not given up on this race. I won’t. Still going, still having that faith.

Side note

I got into the Jazz team. Things you don’t know about me is that the few things that give me joy besides God’s love is Dance. It’s a blessing that I still managed to be selected with a popped retarded knee. Maybe it’s God telling me that I have strength and He’ll give me strength.

yayyyy. 1st practice also starts todayyy

Epiphanies on a bus ride

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It takes me at least 45 minutes to commute to uni, or more than an hour depending on the traffic. I bought a new book on Amazon a couple of weeks ago The Best Yes by Lisa TerKeurst, but I have yet to give it a start since I haven’t finished my existing book Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtick yet. So this morning, since I only had my kindle with me (which is where I bought my new book) on the bus, I decided to give it a start.

As I read, Lisa wrote about confusing  love and pleasing people  to doing what actually God told you to do, I don’t know why, but my brain started swelling with memories of the prayer I made at the start of this year, in my room, on my knees, my eyes filled with tears, my heart filled with fear, in the same time holding that faith and trust in the God I was riding a roller coaster with just the previous year.

That point of my life, I was so sick of church hopping. Almost half my life I attended churches but I never belonged to any. I had added facebook friends from each church I attended but none of them developed into the friendships I hoped for, mainly because of the fact I kept leaving them too. I’ve seen friends who grew up in churches and having a bond with their church friends, growing in Christ together, things I never had.

I was so frustrated. I was starting to begin to hate the idea of the church itself. At that time, my mum started attending another new church. I was so mad, she understood my frustration and she attended it by herself while I remained at home with my bible. She grew to love the church, more than I actually thought. However I remained reserve and distant with the church she attended with the fear we may desert it again. I didn’t want to experience the hurt of leaving friends at the start of a friendship, which was always common when I attended a new church and leave a few months after. I distanced myself from the youth, I tried my best not to add them on facebook because I didn’t want to have another list of “church friends I made but never talk to again because I left”.

Then the new year came. I looked at my bible and said

“It’s You and Me Lord, it always has been you and me. You brought me to the ditches with my injury and I still came back to You. But something is missing.”

I felt God was with me, I knew He was. But there was a gap and I didn’t know what it was between us. I wanted to grow with Him more but I couldn’t. I was still on the stubborn idea and I refused to believe it was the church. IT IS NOT THE CHURCH. IT NEVER HELPED.

I was so stubborn.

My brother was blending in well with the guys in church through weekly Sunday futsal games, my mom was attending weekly Ladies Meetings in the church. I continued my stubborn ways. My mum felt like it was time I should start making an effort. She knew my love and experience for kids so she persuaded me to volunteer in the church’s kids ministry because I still wasn’t keen on joining youth group.

I honestly don’t know what went through my mind but I said OKAY.

I didn’t realized how big the decision I made was until the day before I had to attend my first session with the kids. That night, in my room, filled with fear, confusion and immense hate in myself for this impulsive decision, I did what any Christian would do with at their complete lowest of lows. I dropped to my knees, burried my face in my pillow and bawled out a prayer.

God!
I don’t know what I’m doing?! What on earth am I doing? Joining kid’s ministry when I don’t even know anyone is this church? The other leaders are going to wonder where I popped out from, I am not from their clique, I am not in ANY clique.
Lord I know there’s something missing, we know there is something missing.

Maybe You know deep down in my heart that I want to belong, is this it?
Lord, I pray that this, even though scary, will be the start of something new. I hope it will be good. I hope it will be good.

Let me finally make friends Lord,  friends who will bring me closer to You and understand my relationship with You. I love the friends You blessed me in highschool but you know deep down in my heart I want friends who believe the same things I do, share the same love as I do.

Lord, this is such a crazy journey. I don’t know where I’m going to go. I don’t know what I am doing.

I am scared Lord, I am so so scared. 

Lord you will be with me right? You will give me friends. I know You are out there! We’ve always been a team, the 2 of us. You will be with me. I trust You Lord I trust You.

I hope what I’m doing is right Lord. I am so confused but I know deep down this is Your plan. Give me strength Lord, give me strength.

Lord this is so crazy, we had such a crazy journey the past couple of years. But we’ll be alright, You know we will. 

Will I do okay? Will I make friends in this church? Is this the church You want me to be in? Lord I trust You. You know my faith. We’ll pull this through together. Together.

Amen

It’s been a year since my mum found this church. 7 months of myself in kid’s ministry.

You know what. God answered my prayer. I was looking back to where I was and where I am. God answered my desperate cry. He responded to my fear.

7 months on, God gave me a group of girls to be friends with, bond with people of the exact same interests and going through the same struggled I did. Made friends in church like I never did. Invited to dinners with church people like I never would go or never did.

Even though I wouldn’t say I am 100% assimilated into the church, every church is cliquy. He has already gave me more than I asked, simple bonds and stepping stones to help me in faith. Where I am right now was not something I visualized myself doing exactly a year ago. My year younger self would have laughed her lungs out.

I do still have fears on things, I haven’t completely overcomed all my struggles. But his simple answer to a simple cry gave me a sense of peace, knowing and love.

He has my back. He still has my back. We are still a team. A team so strong it can’t be broken. I can do all things with Christ in me.

I was trying my best to contain my tears as I walked from my bus ride to the tram stop where I take my final leg to my incredibly far journey to university. The immense joy in knowing He answered my cry and I have such a faithful partner in life. It was an odd place and time to have those feelings but it just happened.

God is so good.