Decision making

Here’s the deal, I’m the worst at decision making. It makes me wonder sometimes why I got picked into being a leader, leader’s are meant to be the best at decision making. Being indecisive is the worst trait of a leader (well I get annoyed if my leaders can’t make a decision). Which brings me to this, I’m a current kids leader that’s being lead by a kids pastor but currently being offered a position to run the toddler section as a proper leader alongside the kids pastor. I can’t decide. omgosh i actually can’t decide.

A normal human being would have leapt on it. I’m the kind who weighs-in the pros and cons, it’s easy if one outweighs another but it’s the worst if they even out and the weight balance is straight. I mean, THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THE WHOLE PROCESS. The more time I take to decide the more indecisive I get, it completely defeats the purpose of weighing out the issues.

I thought maybe because my brain can’t help itself and God wasn’t talking to me in booming voices, I should talk to people, people in church and the family (because God can speak to us through people, right?). The decision was divided and I’m back to square one. STILL UNDECIDED.

I decided to lay it off, since my senior pastor was away in America and he said he’ll discuss more about it with me regarding the position when I’m back. Besides, I had more pressing issues as a law student such as how to complete 2 law assignments due on the same day without head explosions. I’ve managed that well and better than the decisions I had to make, my head is still intact and it has to be as I have one more test due this Saturday on Constitutional Law.

Then the text came. My senior pastor (SP) is back from America. I have not made a decision. He wants to do an interview next week. 

Brain went on panic mode. The cool calm and collected manner I was planning to have for this Saturday’s test went off-course. SP even asked for my CV, like whuuut… I haven’t even drafted my Consti answers and my CV hasn’t been updated in months.

Times like these, a burning bush wouldn’t scare me. I’d rather a burning bush with God’s voice telling me to decide with A or B than walk around like and aimless drunk.

I’ve been listening to heaps of Chad Veach podcasts the past couple of weeks, many rechoing the main message that God has a plan and that if we stray, He’ll bring as back anyway.

Panic mode clearly didn’t help. I told myself that I should fast and pray on the matter but I didn’t. I ended up shoving it aside, convincing myself I had more priorities like my law assignments. I did not hand the issue to God, which I told my friends I would and that “He’ll help me decide” because I have other things to do. I deliberately dumped it in the corner. I thought I had 2 weeks on the matter but 2 weeks felt like 2 days and now SP is back and I need an answer.

Light Bulb moments

There is a significant difference with leaving the issue with God and dumping it aside and let it rot. God is not going to pick it up for use. He helps us when we are in need, yes, but we have to do the action, ourselves. As in we have to actively pray about it, it should not affect every minute of our lives but neither should be completely ignore it. We have to hand it to God with our own hands in complete surrender and ask for His guidance daily on the matter.

I did it all wrong.

But wrong doesn’t mean an automatic failure.

I have 1 more week. 1 more week to decide. It’s not too late.

One more week to Seek Him, Pray and ask the right help.

 

 

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Seek help, offer help, Be the help

I did not start my morning great today. It started off with a late start, a discussion turned mini-argument with the parents on the July trip back to Malaysia, which I have unfortunately still am having trouble to wrap my head around it despite the previous blog post.

I knew staying at home wouldn’t get my assignment and work done, I had to get out of the house because of the moody environment I had created among myself and my parents. Library was the only option but the drive there made part of my “ceebs” attitude resurface. To top things off, my current spot in the Doncaster library is in between 2 separate tutoring sessions and I can hear this tutor talking about how “SACs in schools are very unfair…”.

I needed to clear my head, this frustration. The effort of coming all the way to the library can’t and shouldn’t be wasted so I decided to open emails in search of a devotion to clear my head.. “God please speak to me pleaseeeeeee…”

The story that God gave me was completely unrelated to what I was going through but nonetheless a hit in the head, which is what I needed.

Story of the crippled man lowered through the roof by others for Jesus to heal him – Mark 2

How is that related?

One can’t go to Jesus alone, we need help. We need guidance. The more hurt or injured we are, the more we need to accept the help offered to us to reach Jesus.. to reach for healing. Vice versa, the more injured the other person is, the more help you have to offer to them.

We can’t do this alone.

I loved doing things alone. Still do sometimes…in fact my whole solo trip to the library was to escape everything to be alone.. guilty.

Crippled man couldn’t do it alone if it wasn’t for the 4 men who made the effort to lower him through the roof… all that effort. If he had so much pride and the men had less compassion, none of it would have happened and no healing can take place.

Too much of today’s mentality of I can do what I want. My own way. Myself has been taken too seriously. I’m not saying it’s bad, I think it’s inspirational but only to a certain extent. If we are hurting to a certain point till we can’t help ourselves anymore, it’s okay to reach out for that help, for that love that others are willing to offer you.

We need to know when to draw the line and honestly see beyond what we can do. There is a reason we humans have been built with the emotional conscience that can throw us out of whack. It needs the feed of help when we can’t do it ourselves.

Please do yourself a favour. Whatever it is,  wherever you are, whoever you maybe… get help or offer the help needed.

I certainly need help myself. Always have, had and do. There were times I left it too late but Thank God for constant reminders and merciful rescues even at the last minute.

p/s: I sent an apology text to my parents before this post in case you were wondering. I tend to wanna mend the tension I have straight after I’ve reached sanity. Reduced that mountain of potential anger and hurt.

Reference: Proverbs31 Ministries

 

Strength

If I told you that being a Christian will only bring about the best things in life and that the world will always go your way… that’s major sugar coating and it’s a lie.

But I still am a Christian.

I still believe in God and His promises even though things never went my way and still hasn’t.

Being spiritual again did not give me instant joy. It gave me strength.

It gave me strength to pull through all the challenges that the world throws at me. It made me discover the strength I never knew existed if I did not believe in Jesus, I sure didn’t think it would be possible. I built more faith through each strength I gain and with that faith I was able to see the promises God had for me each time something tried to beat me down.

Through those promises, it gave me comfort and peace, with that peace, it gave me joy.

Joy still exists with Christ. It was not an easy road for me but I felt that this joy was more satisfactory and lasting. I know it’s hard to believe that we have to work so hard just to feel joy, it sounds discouraging to most, as we live in a world where the easiest path is the path most traveled.

Trust me when I say it gets easy. It does. Having faith in God made me had more faith in myself. I was literally the world’s most insecure girl ever imagined, I disliked every part of me and there was a point in my life I was such a wreck that I did not feel that life was even worth living.

I can honestly say that God saved me. Not just physically but spiritually and it led to emotionally. My emotional health is one of the most important parts of my life and I believe it had a lot of control in the way I conduct myself, but with much spiritual guidance recently I’ve learnt to see the miracles God can do in my life in the littlest of ways.

God is truly real in my life at this very moment of time and will continue to be until the day we meet. I will not lie and say that I was sceptical at one point of my life but only to be truly proven wrong again through miracles He created.

The challenges are not over and I still see them almost everyday, sometimes different and sometimes even harder. I do cry out in prayer sometimes, with actual tears in my eyes, as well as verbal mumblings for strength in adversity. His promises give me faith, He gives me strength and comfort and  I can do all things with Christ in me.

God gives us challenges because He wants to bring the best out of us. It’s hard to grow in a stagnant environment with the same routine. Like how the weather has its seasons, so do we and we have a remedy.

Godly encounters in sibling fights

There are times in my life, especially after a big fight with my brother, when I look at my disheveled self and say “I’m a terrible sister”.

Yesterday was one of those times.

Fighting with my brother takes an emotional toll on me, I get mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Some people say it’s better to fight between siblings than no interaction at all, what is a relationship when there are no disagreements?

It won’t be the last time I’ll be fighting with my brother (though I wish it will be all the time), we will makeup but something always pops up and the disagreements begin again. No one is happy, tears and yelling pursue, banging of doors and eventually retreating into our rooms. After a period of time, the better sibling will retract from hiding and apologize, all is good again.

It’s an exhausting cycle. It’s hard to avoid. Sometimes it even makes me question “Why God? You give me a sibling… but why is he like that?” There’s always a push and pull blame between my brother and I and it’s sickening to throw it around and see who’s right. I don’t think a single sibling in this world has never asked this question.

As an older sibling, I take it upon myself that he is my responsibility when my parents are away. I resume the role of my mother and be that ‘over-bearing parent’ by stalking his activities and his school work, a role I tend to normally despise. Sometimes I go so deep into it to realize and by the time I do, it’s too late to retract my actions. I will be consumed with regret and question the type of parent I will become in the future.

My brother is the baby of the family, we can’t deny that the whole family just loves him unconditionally and we just show it in the wrong ways, I don’t know if he sees that. During our fights, profanities tend to get thrown around and I get so emotionally wrecked up I will cry, occasionally even an anxiety/panic attack for no reason. Boys be boys, my brother doesn’t understand the emotional wreck a girl can go through (especially on her period), things don’t get better and according to my mother, I make things worse.

In the midst of my break down yesterday, I could feel the hole in my heart just eating in and my head was expanding in pulsing motions. Everything felt like it was sinking, it felt like I was that helpless passenger in the Titanic who could no longer be saved. Just as everything was about to grow darker, I cried out in my last defense for survival, “If only you were here right now Jesus, if only You were… I really want a hug right now I can’t stand it.”

I was in the kitchen at the time, the living room just across me where we have an L-shaped sofa. Just then, after that cry, I felt a beckoning to the far corner of “L” sofa. It felt like an invisible person, a force, was pulling me there and patting the side of it and asking me to take a seat. I slowly walk to words the seat and as I sat down, I felt a rushing wave… someone just pulled me out of the water and sinking ship I was in.

I felt God’s love for me. I was not alone.

That rushing wave of Jesus’ love and I knew it was His. That knowing fact that He was there and I am not going through this alone.

First time ever did I get such a physical and emotional experience such as this, words cannot describe the immediate relief and comfort that I felt with that knowing He is there with me in this walk and I wasn’t alone.

I’m not perfect. God knows it. I need Him and He knows it.

Trial and trial again and no matter how undeserving I am, He pulls me out of the water.

I can swim through this storm, I can swim through this giant wave with Christ strength in me.

I may not be the perfect sister, but I can strive to be the best I can with Jesus with me in this walk of faith.

Maowen, I’ll be there for you. I know there are times where I fail to be the sister you wish I could be but I promise no matter what, I’ll still be your sister and with Jesus we can pull through this together. I’m human and I can fail, but God won’t. He will pull you through times when any of us fail you, know that He is there and He loves you and you’re His child. You are my only brother and I’ll do the best I can to be that sister despite all the shortcomings and trials we have between us. We can pull through.

Bionic babies

Lets’ talk about egg freezing, mainly because I’ve completed 2/3 assignments due this week and I’m feeling good.

Egg freezing.

What?

So basically taking those single eggs that will ripen one at a time for every month in the next 40+ years of our lives ever since the age of puberty. If unfertilized, gushing of the blood from the lady parts will happen, also known as the period or the ladies best friend.

Females have all our eggs God-given to us, all few hundred thousands of them, since the day of our birth. Yes, God already planned the birth of our children on the day of our births… how crazy is that? So why freeze them eggs when we have plenty and going to get one every month for the next 40 years (till menopause)? Well, studies have shown that apparently, we have an ideal period of time where the eggs that

Well, studies have shown that apparently, we have an ideal period of time where the eggs that pop out of the ovum are “ideal”, yea I know… it’s like smarter babies or something, eggs fertilized after that ideal period will be deemed “terrible”.

Okay, not that bad, but those babies will have higher risks of abnormal birth or diseases in the future.

Hence, the desperation of women to get pregnant before the age of 36, the desperation to get married before 30, if they want a lot of kids, and the desperation to find their soulmate before another ideal age which I can’t keep up with.

I had a catch up with my high school friends last week and one of them was telling me how her sister’s firm was sponsoring the freezing of eggs of their female employees, what? wow. Talk about company benefits right there, that’s incredibly generous of them… I mean bionic babies are not cheap.

Bionic babies are expensive babies, they are risky and can cost more than a Ferarri, yes a big fat nice luxury car, imagine that speed and joy you can have (if you like those things). I guess to some die-hard wannabe parents, babies will provide the same speed (chasing around) and joy (laughter), hence worth the same cost of money. I’ve personally known parents who’ve undergone the bionic method (IVF) method and failed.

I’ve personally known parents who’ve undergone the bionic method (IVF) method and failed. They were loaded, but the loss of a potential child, 3 times, was too much for the mother, she quit her job and fell into depression.

Bionic test-tube or natural, the fertilization of a sperm and egg is life.
This could honestly lead on to another pro-life debate which I’m keen… next post! 

I’m not gonna lie but I’ve honestly considered freezing my eggs before, I mean I’m shedding all these God-given eggs every month, why can’t I keep them? They’re gonna be wasted!! They are life too! Aren’t they? They are potential babies! Potential children! Potential life! Why can’t I freeze them?

I remembered openly voicing my opinions on this topic during family gatherings, only to be met with disapproving faces. I come from a multi-faith background, so Christian, Buddhist, Muslim and Atheist uncles and aunties are present, all disapproved.

No Way!

“Not a natural way of having babies, not good, bad luck to the babies.”

My reason for this is due to the environment we are now in, the strong emphasis of having a career in a woman instead of motherhood, this sense of female empowerment and all that feminism. Women in current society want to be a force to reckon with, we want equality, we want the same respect we deserve in the workplace, be that strong lady that God have created us to be.

If you’re telling me biblically women are meant to be in the household…
snubbing
go read your bible again. There are strong God-fearing women in the bible and they are a force to be reckon with… so shush.

But motherhood, will it get in the way? Society certainly thinks it will, hence the company perks of freezing the eggs of employees. 35 years of age is prime time in the commercial world, you either make it or break it, and motherhood can be a dealbreaker (I mean 9 months of carrying, plus those hormonal changes).

I know there’s been many pro-life groups and Christian lobbyist strongly against this idea, against the Godly way of procreation.

Honestly, I am on the fence with this. Bionic babies have brought joy to many families, if it was cruelty and unethical, there wouldn’t be such a growing market for such a technology and treatment.

What is your opinion?

p/s: my 3 years in a science degree has not been wasted, I still have a deep passion for science… deep deep down. Science and Law. Much nerd, Level Asian.

 

The end

“Begin with the end in mind”

It was part of the 7 habits in life which Stephen Covey, my dad’s all time favourite mentor, wrote about. My dad lives by it and he tried to drill those habits into us since a very young age (which is pretty hard for a child to apply). I remembered receiving the 7 habits book as a teen as a gift from my dad, as it was the age I could “start understanding adult books” and learn about life. The 7 habits were like our 10 commandments our family lived by and it was something I had close to my heart. Stephen Covey was literally my childhood (strangely).

I had the end in my mind. I knew what I wanted to be from a young age, I always had something to fill in the “career ambitions” form in school every year unlike many of my confused friends. My parents had brought me up to be a realistic child, to have a realistic future with a stable income. I chose the most realistic thing for me I had growing up, a dentist. It was my dad’s occupation.

I looked up to him, the way he managed his life and his family. Everything seems realistic and we were a happy family, I religiously filled in “dentist” every year at school and told everyone my ambition. I received nothing but praise and how that it was a good ambition to aspire to be like my father. I would even have a secure job in the future. I had the end in mind, as young as 12.

I did everything I could to secure my self to get to that end in mind. I felt like the most focussed and confident student out of all my friends, who were still busy figuring out what they wanted for their careers, some of them even admired the fact that I knew what I wanted such early on.

I had the end in mind. But I wasn’t told, that it could be stuffed up.

Getting myself into one of the top universities in Australia, I felt like I was on the roll. I was getting there and I was chugging to the finish line. Soon I’ll finish my science degree and get into dental grad school..I’ll be set and done, accomplished.

I was so wrong.

I got the subtle hints that it wasn’t going to work out last year. The failing grades in my cores and the unexpected acing of subjects not related to my major, such as law. But the people surrounding me told me that I shouldn’t give up, I was so close to the finish line after all. This was just a hurdle and it would pass, everyday I told myself that I could get through this with God by my side. The second semester went by perfectly, suddenly everything seemed back on track and the blurry vision of dentistry started to come back into light. I felt this sudden gleam of hope and that God answered my prayers.

Until last week.

This was the semester I had worked the hardest. I was repeating the subject I failed and I was hoping to ace it. On my 21st birthday, I decided to log on to the result portal hoping for some luck.

I failed.

Again

I saw my dreams and hopes shatter right before my eyes. My heart sank so low that I didn’t think it was possible to pick it up. It wasn’t something my 12 year old self envisioned it to be. I had the sudden urge to cancel the 21st party that my parents had actually planned for me (apparently for a year), my frame of mind.. my whole body… couldn’t take the news. My life had just met the worst car crash of all time. Never have I envisioned myself  being 21, a failure in books and single in life.

I couldn’t understand. I did all the steps. I had the end in mind. I was suppose to graduate at 21, go to grad school by 22. I’ve put the work in, in fact more during this semester to pull my grades up higher. I thought sailing through the last semester was a sign from God that I’m still on the right track.

I felt like getting myself together for the party the most difficult thing to do. Everyone wished me a great day and for all my dreams to come true and there I was outrightly lying about my “great” day. (I did managed to tell some of the people close to me about my horrendous results though)

As the whole 21st hiatus has currently died off, I managed to get myself  into a space today to decide what to do with myself. My life track has met an accident and smashed into smitherins, I don’t know where I’m going and there feels like no end. I had never heard of Carl Lentz before besides his occasional appearances on Justin Bieber’s instagrams but for some reason I decided to click on one of his Youtube videos.

It hit me.

Maybe God wants to change my course… of life. It nerve-wrecking. It’s crazy. It’s so hard to accept thought deep down currently I know it’s the truth. I have been so focused on this ideal end in mind I had set up for myself from when I was younger. I felt like it was a reputation to upkeep. The sudden shift in course is turning my life upside down.

I am struggling. I know it deep down.

But I have to trust God. I know I don’t understand… I still don’t. But I have to continue to build that trust.

Trust in knowing that God will bring me to that ideal end.

Belated reflections and resulotions

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While the year is still young and before 2014 is too far behind us, it’s better to do this post sooner than later. Also a fantastic excuse to test out this hand me down iPad keyboard from mum on my brand new iPad that dad won from some bank competition. Combination of lucky and blessed hehe..

I can’t sum up 2014 in a sentence. It was a crazy year, like a year with such great ups and crazy downs. I would say it’s a year I definitely made much more friendships with others compared to 2013, it’s one of those new year resolutions I got right. It was also the year where I saw church and God in a completely new spectrum (which I pretty much documented a lot on this blog). Of course it was also the year I started this blog to do the worst rants on the planet and spew out my whole brain even when I hate to do it so publicly such irony.

It may sound like I accomplished a lot, like it was a pretty killer year, but it was also the year I was told I may have had depression without knowing it. I think being told that fact by the counsellor just made me more depressed way to go mate. I scored the suckiest results in my academics in my entire living history, which was pretty much the cause of my down low. A huge part of me wanted to blame God for the whole episode as I was beginning on such a journey with Him already. But I saw it as a wake up call that God was trying to give me, I was being too slack. I was.

Then the mission trip and a whole December whirlwind. I tell you, December is like everyone’s most dramatic month of the year. With all these holidays and festivities, it can never be as smooth sailing as we envisioned it to be months ahead. Something always pops up, trust me, even when it starts good. It’s like a December thing.

2015

I seriously don’t know what to expect from you. I’ll be completely honest, more than half the things that happened in 2014 were completely out of the blue. I remember late January last year, while the year was still young and not too late for resolution making, I surrendered my year to God. My breaking down prayer from all the anxiety the day before serving in kid’s church for the first time, it’s still fresh in my brain.

God gave me 2014. It was a roller coaster ride. No I had no regrets. If there was any one thing I’d take out of it?

Trusting God. With all my heart and soul. Taking that gigantic leap of faith.

Lord, I don’t know what you’re going to do again this year. But I’m going to do the same thing as I did before and always will, 2015 is for You. Take it and use me. Give me the strength and guidance to accept and pursue whatever that You throw at me, to shield whatever that is going to stop me. Keep me strong and make me stronger in You. Keep me diligent and alert, especially in Uni, even though it can be such a drain but please give me energy.

One thing I know for sure, I wanna keep growing in the love for Jesus. He has shown me so much last year on all the things I could accomplish with Him, we’re like a freaking A team and beyond. I just can’t wait on how 2015 is going to turn out, I pray that it’s going to be more amazing, I pray the friendships I made last year will continue to grow and the friendships I made before that to continue to be strong.

I can already foresee 2015 being a challenging one, but which year isn’t? It’s the challenges that make the stories interesting and ourselves stronger. But with Jesus, it’ll be okay, I know it will be. The team is ready for any game, so bring it on!

My 2015 motto

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p/s: I conclude that the laptop keyboard still wins for blogging and long winded essays. If you have big fingers, I suggest to not even bother going for a tablet keyboard. I have like the smallest fingers among all the humans I know and I’m struggling. However it’s a win when taking lecture notes, gives you the speed compared to tapping the screen. But the money investment for short note-taking? Probs not worth it unless you’re a full time short-note taker like me aka student. (Mine is a hand-me-down from mum, she hates it)

Weak knees

There’s this saying and belief where people say, “When you go weak in the knees, it’s love”.

Well I felt love today. The love of God, the love of Jesus.

“Dear God I pray for this girl oh Lord, I pray that You will take away her fear, take away all that doubts and fill her with confidence Lord, let her be confident.”

I’ve never met this lady in my life, yet she was praying about the one of my greatest struggles – confidence. Just in the morning I was telling a friend that I was still struggling with it. It has been and still is, one of my greatest weaknesses and it kills me everytime.

I seriously don’t know this woman. I’ve never laid my eyes on her until today.

It was after today’s prayer conference hosted by my church, conducted by a guest pastor from Kenya, who is by the way incredible amazeballs. Like true charismatic/pentocostal fashion, they would have this altar call calling people to the front to be “filled by the Spirit”. This time they specifically called out the young people and my parents shoved me out of my seat. I insisted I was old, I’ve never felt the desire to feel so old until then, but age could not deny me and I went out anyway.

This isn’t the first type of altar call I’ve witnessed. I’ve been to a few conferences with similar situations but I’ve always been the observer… always. I would see these people falling down, shaking, vibrating and of course… speaking in tongues. (these things happen when you get filled by the Holy Spirit, it’s meant to be normal).I feel scared seeing these people getting possessed and screaming and shaking and falling everywhere. I’ve only been exposed to these type of experiences in my later christian life and I’m still getting used and trying to get my head around it.

Elders were roaming around the young people, slapping their palms on our heads, stomachs and any body part they could reach. The next things I knew, some girl fell in front of me, she was shaking pretty heavily then fell to the ground still. No, she did not die. This is the first time I’ve seen someone fall in this church. Elders started covering her in blankets, I don’t know why but my parents think it’s to prevent further shivering from the chill, seriously… it wasn’t cold.

Then the lady came, popped out of no where like those creepy kids you hate from pranking. She laid a hand on my stomach and on my back. She said that prayer and as she prayed, she swayed me back and forth. I seriously felt like she wanted me to fall.

At first it was her, then suddenly my knees grew weak. No it wasn’t cold, No it’s not from post-ACL surgery trauma because it’ll be 2 years late. As it grew weak, it started to shake. I bobbed up and down. I could sense people around me, I open my eyes slightly and I saw someone with a blanket on the ready. Oh no… they are waiting for me to fall. No! Not in front of all these people.

Thinking about it now, it’s ironic how she was praying for me to not be scared and I was still afraid to fall. I admit, I could’ve fell. My knees were weak, not the familiar weak from the days after my surgery, it was a different kind of weak and I knew it. Yet I managed to stay upright after it all. I guess the elders gave up and grabbed their blankets away.

After it all, I was frustrated with myself that I did not let myself fall. I was still consciously making myself try to stand despite feeling weak in the knees and swaying about like a scarecrow. Yet I was curious about my knees. On the way home in the car, I could still feel the post-shake feel in the knees.

Then it hit me. What I felt was God’s love. No it wasn’t because I thought of the saying suddenly. I was overwhelmed by a certain feeling at the time and I knew it was supernatural and I knew it was God. It was just that through all the observation I had through my experiences, I felt that it would be in a certain way.

Just because people fell, doesn’t mean I should.
Just because people cried, doesn’t mean I should.
Just because people yell and scream, doesn’t mean I should.

If I did because everyone was doing it, it’s not me. It would merely and imitation, a gesture to fit in. Believe it or not, I do believe there are people out there who follow along because they believe that is the right way and the only way to experience God.

This is my own personal belief. I do believe we experience the Holy Spirit/God differently.

I felt God’s love, it was more than good enough for me. The fact He could send a random stranger to pray about something I was struggling with,  my self-confidence. That was love. He was showing me that He cared and it would be something that I will eventually overcome with His help.

Personality Tests. Introversion. Bubbles.

“Yeah it was a good thing you went up there to talk, it brought you out of your shell for a bit.”

My shell

My shell… or bubble?

I got this comment which was meant to be a compliment for an introvert after I did a public testimony on my faith. That was one rare occasion I am not sure if I will be repeating again anytime soon. To be honest I don’t know what is my shell. The world, the society, everything tried to define a person within boxes. Recently I’ve been thrown at with a lot of personality tests, which resulted in this.INFP

16personalities.com gives you like a detailed description of your life, how it will turn out and if you don’t know how to run your life, they’d tell you how to too. They predict your married life and your careers… woah like whut? I’ll have to admit, reading my profile they gave me about being an INFP, it was pretty accurate.

Yes, I am reserved and private.
Yes, I day-dreamed lots.
Yes, I love writing… but I wouldn’t say I’m poetic.
Yes, I love my feelings and instinct, I’m pretty much a whishy-washy person. People hate me so much for this.

But hey… that’s what they say. As I continued reading about “myself”, I kept having moments of AHAHA that is SO MEEE! I even shared the link with all my friends saying it’s like the “best test ever!” and that everyone should give it a go to “discover themselves” seriously I was acting like such a bimbo

Then my close friend texted me.
” Are you sure that’s you? YOU’RE AN INTROVERT? wait hold on a minute, YOU ARE NOT. Oh, are you sure you’re this and that?”

It made me reflect on my life.

The test said I was the most introverted among my friends, the friends I lived with in boarding school. The friends whom I annoyed banging on doors and them doing vice-versa back on me. They lived with me. They’ve seen me running through the corridors like a mad woman and climbing the gates and defying rules like a monkey. My primary school friends have witnessed my racing games with teachers trying to hunt me down to cane me. That is not an introverted kid. That is a mad girl that needs to be held down and disciplined straight up on how to be a lady. My mum believes, to this day, I can’t find a husband if I continued this way.

The test said I was a feeler. Yes I am. I get affected now and then when my emotions run mad with my family issues and home situations, I find it hard to concentrate, to focus. Then again, ADHD is genetic and it runs in my family. I secretly believe I am mildly one which is the cause of my hyperactivity as well as strayed mind. If I was really that much of a feeler and let my emotions run me..

  • I wouldn’t have survived depression alone in the boarding house. But I did. No one knew I had it. I controlled it really hard, I exercised how to control my emotions so well during that period of time. I made sure I cried myself to sleep past midnight, when no one would enter my room. I made sure none of my friends or family found out. There were obvious changes in myself but I stayed strong, inside I was dying so badly and I felt like life was not worth living anymore, yet on the outside my mad woman trait was still existing, to keep me strong. I made sure it was secret. The only person I couldn’t run away from was God, He brought me out of that ditch. Sometimes you can’t hide everything.
  • I probably would’ve had a boyfriend. But I told myself to not let my feelings run. I was a student, still am a student. I have priorities and I ain’t got time. God has to be my centre and my studies next. I had so much to do in my life and I do not want another person to ruin it, not yet.. not now. I know in my previous post I mentioned about lack of boys, that plays a part in too but I never got desperate despite my friends coupling up everywhere. I don’t think it is just an INFP thing to be affected about this. Yet as an INFP, I controlled this emotion better than anyone I knew who wasn’t what I am. A desperate girl who lets her feelings run her can jump on anyone and get herself in a stupid relationship, I didn’t.
  • I was a prefect in highschool. Yes, a prefect. Those kids with fancy uniforms who police you around and everyone hates them because they think they’re boss. We are.. lol. I don’t know how one can be a prefect if they weren’t stern, the number of kids that can run over your head, it can drive you mad. Feelings certainly can’t drive you. As a leader, you had to be systematic to get things done, which I’m pretty sure I was because I had to get stuff done… if my memory is still good. To be completely honest, I didn’t know how I got chosen. A mad kid like me who gets canned heaps in primary school. Still unbelievable.

In the end of the day, who defines you? Who are you going to let in to tell you how you are suppose to live?

Yes I agree that I do relate to those traits. I believe despite that extreme description of my monkey self, I’m an introvert inside out. But I am not an ordinary introvert.

People illustrate introverts as people in their little bubbles. We create and rejuvenate our energy from within our bubbles alone, unlike extroverts who absorb this energy from other people. We are portrayed as this solemn kid sitting in the corner of our bubble trying to “get out energy”. 

I am not that.

I love my bubble. LOVE IT. My bubble is my life. My bubble is just God and I, me and God. We get energy together, we are a team, that’s how I’ve been surviving. BUT, I don’t cower in the conner like a sad kid in the bubble being sad and all that nonsense. Seriously that is not how I work and probably I hope I speak for others.

In my bubble, I jump like a mad dog. By my self.  That’s right, in true introversion fashion. I get my energy by myself, but I am mad as. I release all that hyperactivity and energy I have been containing and holding in and release them everywhere in my bubble when I am alone. I can do the freaking hakka okay

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Just like how introverts are described, we do let people in our bubble, but only a few. That is when my close friends and family come in. They have seen me in my bubble. They know I am mad. They are the only ones who know my madness because I let them into my bubble.

Of course, there are times I kick them out of the bubble, if they were permanently in there, I wouldn’t like it and that wouldn’t make me an introvert anyway. People outside my bubble, they see me as this serene kid, no nonsense and the perfect description of an INFP. They weren’t my comfort people and I’m sure as not going to let them in to see my cray cray self, no one would want to be my friend. That’s when my reserved characteristic comes in, I do observe the people around me, I will make sure I know you well enough to let you in to this crazy turbulent (as described) world that possesses me.

I did the exact same test as part of my mission trip training that I will taking at the end of the year to the Philippines. My pastor wanted to get to know his team a little better. My results popped up INFP again. He agreed fully as I read the descriptions of myself to the rest of the team (we had to “get to know each other”): quiet, contained, private, reserved. Pure stereotypical introversion style. I guess in a way I have set of a pace and style to the team to not tick me off and stay away from my bubble.

It is quite the privilege… to have the key into an introvert’s bubble. I also believe there is no set amount of people that can be in the bubble. To enter the bubble you will have to have a key, but you disrespect the times you are allowed or not allowed into the bubble, your key gets confiscated. As I socialise more, more people will get this key to my bubble. Sometimes I give it a little to early, sometimes it takes me ages to give it out. It is so rare to find people who respect the bubble space, but so far my pickiness on bubble keys have been successful, I’ve never really confiscated much bubble keys before hahaha

Trust me. You would want to be in my bubble.

WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A BALL IN MY BIG BOUNCY INFLATABLE BIG BUBBLE BALLIE like whooo! Because I BOUNCE.

ignore that

Personality tests are not 100%. It may help give you an idea of a person but it doesn’t define them. You don’t get to know a person by just reading their online profile, that’s just as stupid as 9 + 10 = 21. Talk to them, socialise and actually take the effort to spend time and get to know them. You can’t just pop into an introvert’s bubble, you earn it. Well, some people work less harder than others. It would be honestly such an insult to God and His creation if he only made 16 personalities. Really?? What happened to His infinite potential?

God created me as I am. I am happy as I am. I am created to have problems too but I am engineered to lean on Him to get advice, lean on Him for strength.

God is my bubble.

Trust.

I know it is a word that’s being used in quite a sarcastic tone now a days. But 2 days ago, it made me realise how important it is and what it really means to actually believe in it and that it actually worked.

I had my Anatomy mid-semester test on Tuesday. I winged it so hard, I was so not prepared but I wasn’t nervous or anything. I was so chilled which is pretty rare for me for an unprepared test. That’s not the point though… I was too chilled for it that I even woke up late for it.

Natural reflex when one is late to a test worth 15% of the grade is to panic. If I was to take the bus to uni like I usually do, I would be late and can kiss my test goodbye. I didn’t cover the whole syllabus required for the test, I knew it was going to be a test filled with guesses, if I missed it the difference wouldn’t be massive. But I don’t miss out on tests, even if I can get only a 2% out of it I don’t care. I panicked out of my lateness instead of unprepared-for-a-test state.

I decided to get on the car. My mum was dropping my brother to school anyway. He goes to school at Kew (near the city), which isn’t far from from uni (in the city).

My test starts at 9am. We dropped my brother off at school at 8.30am. Barkers Road traffic was stagnant. Instant reaction: die die die.

Mum decided to do some de-tours to avoid traffic. Each turn we made turned out worse, the traffic got heavier, no one was moving. We were stuck dead-on. She was obviously pissed at me, she had the right to be and I was pissed at myself, it was my fault after all.

After a few illegal turns, we ended up on the freeway and got on Alexandra Parade. Traffic still stagnant like any other road we were on. die die die.

I decided to plug my earphones in, pressed play on the iPod. Listening to my mother’s scolding wasn’t going to help me further and it was not the kind of mood I want to go into an un-prepared test for. Guess what was playing… of all the songs.

Yes. They were singing about trusting God too. As the lyrics go on “I will trust in Youuuuuuu, I will trust in Youuuuuuuu…” It’s not normally a song I would listen, I like my fast beat songs by Hillsong, Michelle Williams, Planetshakers, etc. I continued listening anyway. I looked out the window, the traffic was still stone as, no one was moving, it’s 8.57am. die die die.

I said a silent short prayer in my head. Okay God, I’m gonna trust you okay, if that’s what you want. Deep down I was crying but I trusted Him anyway, because the song kept going on about it. It is sometimes hard for me because of what happened ages ago during the ski trip, but I knew deep down I couldn’t use a single incident to justify everything He did for me.

I arrived at uni at 9.03am. I ran to the hall. Panting… as I reached.. I recognized someone from my subject standing outside the hall, then another, then another and another one. What? Aren’t they suppose to start?? I AM LATE.

“There was a stuff up with the venue, clash or something, so we’re starting late. The supervisors are late to, they’re setting up now.”

OH WOW.

OH WOW.

So this is TRUST.

IT WORKS.

IT IS REAL.

These little things that happen in my life, these small yet incredibly favours God does for me, just to remind me He is out there, He has my back. It is these things that happen that reassures me He is real and that He is alive in me. I believe it works for everyone, I believe my God is everyone’s God and that He loves everyone deep down no matter what. It is the step of faith you take to believe in him, the amount of trust you have in Him.

No, He never always gives immediate answers. There are times He makes us wait so long and it frustrates me too, every vessel of my body. But He does these small little things for me to remind me that He is still around looking after me, I’m still okay. I swear I know it’s Him, only God can make something like that happen, changing the schedule of the test and all, it’s mighty crazy and hard to believe, but I believe he played that song too.

God is good. He gives me strength to carry on in this crazy world.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (NIV)”