2019’s Mountain

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2018 was a year of setbacks and disappointments. Am I upset? I was.

Honestly I can only pray that 2019 will be different, but having setbacks is inevitable, shit happens. It’s been over a week into the new year and I still see some of my old habits manifesting from within even though I’ve been yelling out “New Year New Me/You” to everyone close to me and annoying the shit outta them.

But it will be different, not in a miraculous way of sudden lightbulb and magically switch from a Disney fairy godmother, but from the strength given from God and using it when given. You see, God gives me strength, He has blessed me with a lot of things but actually utilising it and pulling yourself together with it is very different. God gives us freewill and in the end of the day, I have the choice, I have to do it and I have to get my shit together.

One of the grossiest habit I have is my phone and shamefully, social media. I remember unfollowing a bunch of people in the past year and found myself following the same category (but different) toxicity on the gram. They’re not bad people or things, but I unhealthily compare myself, all the damn time to these “influencers”, people who have the sponsorship to look good, looking good for a living and getting paid to workout and have no other responsibilities. Unrealistic comparisons. To the extent of toxicity that plays with my brain, toxic emphasis that I am not good enough and the reason for why I am what I am.

Why did I follow them? I thought it would be a good motivation to work hard so maybe… just maybe… I could be like them? Just your childish #goals mentality in terms of body and beauty and makeup. Before Instagram, it was my mirror, walls and posters. I had pictures of fit girls and all sorts of shit stuck on my wall as a form of motivation, the difference was it was the same girl… everyday, unlike the the fresh variants of photos I get on a daily basis. But my wall-sticking habit got my fam worried for a period as they thought I was lesbian (I never had boy posters LOL). Its very different from a poster goal. The brain runs wild and just like the variants of photos, it churns out a variant of thoughts. It starts like a small seed unconsciously and grows before you know it, you are just scrolling and thinking you can attain the same thing by looking through the screen instead of getting up and putting the damn effort.

Anyway, new habits to grow, 355 days left to the year and its a conscious effort to do so.

I need to remain focus with the goal to score. Score a job, score the body, score the new skills and habits I hope to attain.

One of my goals/ bucket lists I’ve wanted to accomplish for a while is to climb Mount Kinabalu. It’s the highest mountain in South East Asia. My dad has done it when he was my age. Climbing a mountain has been a dream of mine, the whole idea of challenge just drives me.

This was a dream before the gram. A dream to prove to myself that I can climb a mountain, through any mountain of physical and mental obstacles, I can.

I can only pray that I’d be more focus this year. Just giving myself that little more of a push from 2018, knowing that setbacks are only motivations for more steps to get over the mountain, I will see the sunrise by the end of the year, mentally and physically. Daring to hope for more.

 

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