Finding myself

I’ve just recovered from a food coma. So much food, so much glutttt…
Sunday lunches after church with the cousins in Box Hill never end well

It’s been a while since I’ve been in this space, the blogging world I mean. Uni life has been incredibly draining, it’s not even the end of the road yet. In fact it’s the time of the journey where one has to actually accelerate everything, I feel like I’m running out of petrol in this vehicle of mine. The pile of work that I need to accomplish, I don’t even know where to start. Just like what I told another fellow uni struggler yesterday, “I feel like I’m on chilled stress”. Being stressed, knowing I have to be stressed but not doing anything about it. I know it doesn’t make sense. Actually it doesn’t make sense to me either.

With all these things going on, Uni work, Sunday School and an upcoming event I have to plan… it’s been the busiest i’ve ever been since Year 11 (funnily not year 12). I love taking up activities and fill my time. I feel productive in a way.. even though I’m not sometimes (did not make sense). I remember all the sports and physical activities I used to plunge myself in back in Year 11, Badminton, Aerobics, Swimming, Dancing and obviously the fateful skiing. Everything came to a staggering halt after the stupid accident which led to a stupid injury. Boredom set in, I felt like I didn’t know who I was… Everything was gone… I couldn’t dance anymore.. Handicapped. I put on 10 kilos in the process, could even pass as Asian Fat Amy at a time.

Basically I was roaming around and drifting with my life for 2 years. I didn’t know where I was heading and my VCE results wasn’t the best and what I wanted. I had a depressing few months between the injury and surgery, which was my period of doubting God’s existence (long story here which will need a full post dedication). Next was my recuperation period, where I somehow gave my life back to him in the same time carrying the guilt for doubting him in the first place. Well the guilt didn’t help me get my life back on track. Every time I wanted to commit to something or ask for something, it’ll bring me back to the time when I doubted God and something tells me “you don’t deserve it”. Yes… it made me feel like crap for a long time.

However I got back into dancing this year. Finally after 2 years since the surgery. I started of with this “Ways to Move” Dance session, where we dance to the spirit and worshipping God through Dance. It made me feel this connection to God I’ve never felt before. Something so deep and so strong. The joy that filled me, through my body movement and spiritually, I couldn’t explain it. Lets just say I missed dancing so much. Furthermore, I was invited to this dance session by a girl I barely knew, I only met her 2 days before the session. She was from the new church I started attending and I barely knew anyone there. When she asked me if I wanted to attend, something tells me I had to, I barely jump into an unknown ship, but I did that day. Well that was the start of jumping into unknown ships and vehicles because I’ve been doing a lot of that ever since.

The dance sessions helped me a lot, for the first time in 2 years, I felt this deep connection with God again. I missed Him so much. I felt like God had just given me that gift back, it felt like.. BOOM BOOM POW. The 2 things I feel so passionate about returned to me in the same time. The world was going fine and everything is connected, it’s like all the planets just aligned.. YESS.

I enrolled myself in a 6 week ballet course with The Australian Ballet. The classes were intense as they were for non-beginners. I LOVED IT. I LOVE DANCE SO MUCH. I started setting goals to achieve my old dance body back again so I can get back into that whole routine. However just as my 6 week course ended, when everything was going so well, my knee gave way.. AGAIN. I didn’t go skiing, there were no cracks in the knees and there was no swelling. Just occasionally intense pain that came from the inside. Suddenly occasional became every time I flexed my knee straight. I did not know what was going on.

During that period of time, the sermons and the messages and basically everything I was hearing about was related to HEALING. I was getting the opposite. There were times I could feel the familiar depression that swarmed my emotions when I was in boarding school in Year 11. But each time it tried to creep in.. I tell myself that I have God with me. But then the guilt swarmed in, about the period I doubted God. Everything seemed to stop. The hectic dance life I had for the first few months had ended. To prevent myself from falling back into that depression I made myself busier… watching videos (I don’t know why), tried to put more effort in the Sunday School, go for a getaway with the church and try and make new friends, go and attend the uni ministry, go out with my friends.

I felt like if I get myself busy, I could find myself again, find this other new outlet (I don’t know what) that could probably replace that emptiness inside, distract me from depression.

I got it all wrong. The past few weeks I was chasing the wrong thing. What was actually empty again was my hunger for God. I felt like without dance I couldn’t achieve it. It made me feel empty. Even though all the things I was trying to keep myself busy with were church related things, which in the first time in my life I was actually participating in church-related stuff. It wasn’t really filling that gap.

I should be finding God. I should be chasing after God instead of myself. What was I doing. The only reason why dancing made me feel so good because of God. He gave me the strength to get back to it again. Without Him I wouldn’t be feeling that joy again. I remembered the period where I felt God’s presence the strongest, it wasn’t just the dance but everything else I did made me feel happy and just right at the same time. This stupid void should be filled with the hunger for God. I don’t know if what I just said here makes sense to you but somehow it just made sense to me.

God I know I’ve been chasing the wrong thing the past few weeks. I’m sorry. I’ve missed you Lord and I’m glad You’ve pulled me back into Your arms quicker than before and I thank you for blessing me with a good support system. I know things have been rough not just me emotionally but family, university and friends too. I know that it will align soon. I know You have a plan and I will continue trusting You. I know I shouldn’t be feeling that guilt anymore, You have told me time and time again that You love me and it has been all forgiven. I cry now not because of the guilt or the pain that I went through but the unfailing love you have displayed for me despite being such a terrible child.

Thank You for not giving up on me Lord.

The song that spoke to me during the week.
Had it on continuous replay, felt like it was God singing to me.

p/s: I was really bummed when Christina Grimmie didn’t win The Voice USA sighhhh.. Was totally Grimmified with all her performances (they were incrdible). Well I was a fan since her Youtube days. I’m just so proud of how far she’s come. Excited for her music and I know she won’t give up.

Also a regramming (not really) of lolojones which I saw just now I felt like PANG in the head and it was really speaking to me


Toodles I shall end my incredibly long post after even after a p/s