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The Fault in Our Stars. Post-exam feels. Mission Trip feels.

There are some movies that are great to watch with people and there are some best watched alone. I wailed… wailed.. at the end of The Fault in Our Stars.

My heart was so shattered.

Augustus Waters isn’t even real.

Yesterday was the first time I watched the movie. I was anticipating it since John Green announced it’s movie released.  But due to unfortunate circumstances and awkward country movie releases (from travelling), I missed the cinema openings. So there I was last night, after exams, on my couch, at 1am.. sobbing loudly and wailing like an idiot.. a few months late.

It was one of those books that left me emotionally affected for days. I remember the first time finishing it last year. I couldn’t believe it. I re-read the book a few more times to allow my heart to be won and shattered a few more times… by a fictitious male called Augustus Waters.

Seeing Hazel and Gus come live before my eyes last night in my living room was crazy.

Some parts from the book however felt much better when left on paper than played out. I can’t imagine someone actually blurting out “You’re Beautiful” in real life after meeting the first time. No. I don’t know… it’s just never happened to me and seeing that played out made me upset because I know it probably never happen to me urghh.

But the speeches, everything. So beautifully written. Arghhh.

The acting, casting… mindblown. Perfect.

I know this is a review too late. But I have finally watched it. I am so satisfied and glad the way John Green helped out with screenplay. I’m going to be so emotionally affected for the next few days. Yes I am a very emotional person… even with movies.

This why I don’t watch sad movies with people.

change of pace…

Now that my exams are over, I’ll have more time to blog the 101 topics I have so desperately want to regurgitate from my mind through my hands onto the screen. One of the main ones besides the ones I mentioned in my previous post, will be about my Mission Trip.

My first ever Mission Trip!

I’ll be making a category for that so any mission trippy related things will go in there. I was told to journal about this officially by my team but since I have this blog already running, I may as well do it here.

I would have to say, I ended my exams on a note I did not expect. I deprived myself from all the distractions I was looking forward to (such as the movie) and as much self-control I’d practiced, there were other nonsense that came into play in .. aka online shopping. I regretted and slacked during my last couple of days of study and when the Anatomy paper landed on my face, my heart fell.

I think I spent half my Anatomy exam just praying to God to give me whatever terms that came into my mind to put on paper. I don’t if they were all correct or if they even made sense, I was too sad to look into my notes after that as I was too afraid it will be wrong.

It’s all in God’s hands now. I have to trust in Him and leave all that anxiety off me. I believe He has the best intentions at hand. I know part of that feeling comes in my part for not putting enough effort on the last couple of days, I will have God to carry me through whatever that will happen and it will be a miracle and blessing if the results of all my subjects come out alright.

Meanwhile I shall not let the devil of anxiety and fear get into the midst of my current goals and focus. Mission Trip. This is God’s work. I’m going to put my full effort and focus into preparing myself for what’s ahead and God will settle the rest. I shall now do my part.

Get pumped. Get ready. Lots to do. Very excited. Woooooots

Post exam lunch and catch up with a dear friend. The paper couldn't stop me from getting my long awaited cravings for Laksa
Post exam lunch and catch up with a dear friend. The paper couldn’t stop me from getting my long awaited cravings for Laksa

Tunes 2.0 + some future posts ideas + church

I’m currently in the middle of exam preparations right now and I am practicing extremely strong self-control right now to do long-winded deep though posts… which I’m very prone to.

My cousins are currently downstairs banging the keys in a very unmelodic tune right now, it’s setting a very good revision study atmosphere… hence why I am here. I’ll make it as short as possible though, I haven’t been the most productive I’m suppose to be, so yea.. it’s going to be short.

Tunes

This song. Discovered it during procrastination this week. I really need to have some new breathe of tunes in my Gospel playlist, so I went to Billboard.com, the most uncommon place to go because I know everyone goes to like Spotify I still do.

As I play this song, all I can picture in my head as I listen to it is a dance. Yes, a dance. It’s a kind of a strong, passionate, contemporary kind of dance. It involves some ropes and strings, the dancer will eventually break free. It is powerful. I don’t know who the dancer will be. But I can imagine, it’s so strong I feel like executing it myself but I don’t know if my knees can take the jumps and leaps. I really wish I can. But one thing for certain, I want to get this dance done. I don’t know who will be getting it done, me or someone else, I’ll make it happen.

Future Posts

I’ve went through some tough bits the last couple of weeks. It was pretty hard for my family. I’ve given some thought about it, I don’t believe my family and I are the only ones suffering this. It’s require a full-blown post which I’ll do after my exams.. I can’t wait. This issue that I’ve been going through has definitely sparked a certain discontentment within myself and a passion to do something about it. I really do wanna do something about it but I don’t know how or what yet,

Hint: It’s to do with ADHD. Yes, the condition… ADHD.

Church

This has nothing to do with a full blown post. It’s Sunday tomorrow and my exams are on Tuesday. I have heaps more of catch up to do for exams and I’ve been given an off-duty day from Sunday School tomorrow, it’s the perfect day to skip church for some productive revision. As I said, my cousin’s are over at my house right now. We had dinner together just now for some catch up at Pancake Parlour and I was bringing up about skipping church to study as I was out for the night.

“You can’t skip church! Prayer is so important, especially at this current period. You have no idea how much it will help. Don’t underestimate the importance and power of prayer and church at this moment of time. Go to church Juanlin.”

This advice was given by my Muslim aunt and uncle. It hit me hard in the heart, this wasn’t the first time I was given advice to go to church by a non-Christian. As much as I have been one of the most religious ones among some of my friends, many of them atheists and agnostic and half my family are non-christians, I’ve been getting encouragement from people who are the least familiar with my faith than I am and yet I get the most heart-hitting advices from them.

I believe God often tries to communicate with us through the weirdest and unlikeliness of people, this includes non-believers. If we are strong in the word and faith, we can hear Him anywhere.

“Don’t ever forget to seek advice from the Big Boss up there” – my Muslim uncle

I couldn’t agree more.

God is good and I am going to church tomorrow.

Trust.

I know it is a word that’s being used in quite a sarcastic tone now a days. But 2 days ago, it made me realise how important it is and what it really means to actually believe in it and that it actually worked.

I had my Anatomy mid-semester test on Tuesday. I winged it so hard, I was so not prepared but I wasn’t nervous or anything. I was so chilled which is pretty rare for me for an unprepared test. That’s not the point though… I was too chilled for it that I even woke up late for it.

Natural reflex when one is late to a test worth 15% of the grade is to panic. If I was to take the bus to uni like I usually do, I would be late and can kiss my test goodbye. I didn’t cover the whole syllabus required for the test, I knew it was going to be a test filled with guesses, if I missed it the difference wouldn’t be massive. But I don’t miss out on tests, even if I can get only a 2% out of it I don’t care. I panicked out of my lateness instead of unprepared-for-a-test state.

I decided to get on the car. My mum was dropping my brother to school anyway. He goes to school at Kew (near the city), which isn’t far from from uni (in the city).

My test starts at 9am. We dropped my brother off at school at 8.30am. Barkers Road traffic was stagnant. Instant reaction: die die die.

Mum decided to do some de-tours to avoid traffic. Each turn we made turned out worse, the traffic got heavier, no one was moving. We were stuck dead-on. She was obviously pissed at me, she had the right to be and I was pissed at myself, it was my fault after all.

After a few illegal turns, we ended up on the freeway and got on Alexandra Parade. Traffic still stagnant like any other road we were on. die die die.

I decided to plug my earphones in, pressed play on the iPod. Listening to my mother’s scolding wasn’t going to help me further and it was not the kind of mood I want to go into an un-prepared test for. Guess what was playing… of all the songs.

Yes. They were singing about trusting God too. As the lyrics go on “I will trust in Youuuuuuu, I will trust in Youuuuuuuu…” It’s not normally a song I would listen, I like my fast beat songs by Hillsong, Michelle Williams, Planetshakers, etc. I continued listening anyway. I looked out the window, the traffic was still stone as, no one was moving, it’s 8.57am. die die die.

I said a silent short prayer in my head. Okay God, I’m gonna trust you okay, if that’s what you want. Deep down I was crying but I trusted Him anyway, because the song kept going on about it. It is sometimes hard for me because of what happened ages ago during the ski trip, but I knew deep down I couldn’t use a single incident to justify everything He did for me.

I arrived at uni at 9.03am. I ran to the hall. Panting… as I reached.. I recognized someone from my subject standing outside the hall, then another, then another and another one. What? Aren’t they suppose to start?? I AM LATE.

“There was a stuff up with the venue, clash or something, so we’re starting late. The supervisors are late to, they’re setting up now.”

OH WOW.

OH WOW.

So this is TRUST.

IT WORKS.

IT IS REAL.

These little things that happen in my life, these small yet incredibly favours God does for me, just to remind me He is out there, He has my back. It is these things that happen that reassures me He is real and that He is alive in me. I believe it works for everyone, I believe my God is everyone’s God and that He loves everyone deep down no matter what. It is the step of faith you take to believe in him, the amount of trust you have in Him.

No, He never always gives immediate answers. There are times He makes us wait so long and it frustrates me too, every vessel of my body. But He does these small little things for me to remind me that He is still around looking after me, I’m still okay. I swear I know it’s Him, only God can make something like that happen, changing the schedule of the test and all, it’s mighty crazy and hard to believe, but I believe he played that song too.

God is good. He gives me strength to carry on in this crazy world.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (NIV)”

Mid Sems. Mid Sems. Tests. Tests. Stress. Stress.

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Its that time of the semester, where lecturers dump information on you and expect you to recall all 6 weeks worth of information within an hour.

It’s that time of the semester, where all the energy you have put into the first 6 weeks of university is starting to drain away.

It’s that time of the semester, where 6 weeks of constant routine is starting to get to you and you find stuff to distract yourself away from that constant drain.

It’s that time of the semester , where you try to find a new inspiration and motivation to help you carry on for the next 6-7 weeks of continuous drain, but obviously finding nothing but unproductive distraction.

It’s that time of the semester, where you seriously feel like giving up, you don’t know what you’re doing and wondering if all this effort is going to be worth it after.

It’s that time of the semester, where you do unnecessary reflection on your life when you seriously can’t afford to do so because of all the upcoming mid-sem tests.

It’s that time of the semester, where you start planning all the exciting activities you want to do after the semester ends, you taste the freedom, it’s so near yet so far.

It’s this time of the semester.

It’s this time of the semester I really need to pull my focus back to God, to help me pull my focus back on everything, the goal and the aim and to not stray very far away and repeat the same mistake.

Dillemaaa

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I aim to ace it.

But I always end up with a pass and an occasional fail.

I do not understand.

 

Knowing Nothing - Jon Snow

Maybe I’m not made for this. This goal that I have been basically headed for my whole life.

Maybe it’s the lack of drive. It is starting to diminish by the day. The ambition starts to drop. whyy oh whyy

Maybe it’s the distractions. But the more I try to distance myself from them, the more I crave for it and they just.. appear again. It is not working.

I hate how everything I’m doing now is determining my future. For once I want to do something where I know it is certain and it is right.

It’s not easy omgoodness it is not.

My biochem and cell biology exams were a wreck.

Maybe the effort wasn’t enough. But it is too late to cry on spilt milk.

I need to save the sour ones now. These sour milks, Physiology and Law.
Please don’t fall, please don’t

Help me Lord.

I was so fed up with biochem the other day, an hour before the exam I decided to flip the Bible instead of the notes.
God flipped this on me

James 1

“2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

The exam still wasn’t the best but at least there is a thin line of hope still to hang on to I guess.

He’s up to something.

I still don’t know what it is.

What the Fraustraates..

 

Addictions

I’m still on SWOTVAC period, exams only start on the 10th of June and NO, I am not ready.

I think it’s during this period of time when there is this huge hurdle and mountain of things to accomplish that I discover the things I get easily distracted to and hence the things I’m pretty much addicted to when I do not have things to accomplish.

It has been a long suspicion to myself that I may have ADHD as I get easily, Easily, EASILY Distracted. I can’t emphasize it enough. It started when my own brother was officially diagnosed with it. He is even prescribed medication for it (even though he hates it and never takes it). Everytime I bring it up, my mother would just brush it away thinking that I would just want to add more problems to her existing ones. 1 child with that disorder is enough and she wouldn’t want to go through the hassle of finding out if I actually have it or in denial that I do. My brother isn’t the only one, my cousins have it too. I conclude it runs in the family so if I actually do have it it’s no surprise.

Hence why I always run off-topic what is wrong with my brain. Anyways, these are like the major things I get on to when I’m distracted to and pretty much an addiction as I get on them on a daily frequent basis (it should stop really).

  1. Facebook
    Like seriously this ingenious thing and place to stalk people even when I basically don’t update myself, I like to see other people’s updates. I tend to deactivate it to try and stop myself from getting back on. It never lasts more than a day, unless my friends keep my password they probably should again. But the deactivation does help in a way where I stop checking it on an hourly basis after that and have it logged off.
    I’ve deleted the apps on my phone and ipad too (except Messenger).
  2. Youtube
    Really. I can’t get enough of it. In fact this should be on top of facebook meanwhile since my facebook has been temporarily deactivated. Wongfu, NigaHiga, that lot of British kids, Tyler Oakley, communitychannel and my dance faves Kyle Hanagami, Keone & Mariel, the list is unending. Youtube is madness. It’s inspiring yet not at the same time. Not to mention the stupid yet genius way of “Reccomended Videos” on the right hand corner, GETS ME ALL THE TIME! It’s a good destresser but recently it’s been a bit too much that I’m lacking stress for the exams.
  3. Tumblr
    Those pictures… Why are they so awesome. The layout of that infinity scroll makes 2 hours seem like 2 minutes, good job Tumblr.
  4. Online Shopping
    I just got my latest haul from asos just last week. It’s only 2 items but still. I told myself that’s the last time because I’m broke but it doesn’t stop me from getting on asos.com. What on earth with online shopping, the material world will be forever existent.
  5. The Kitchen
    One of the few non-web related things. FOOD BINGING. omgoodness. These explains the reason for extra pounds during exam period and why my diet/fitness goals from the past 5 years never worked. The scales go the opposite direction of where I want it to go instead, thanks to Kitchen.
  6. Sleep
    This is bad. I don’t know if I should be feeling guilty about this. Students average 2-3 hours sleep per day for exam periods. To me it’s amazing because HOMG the efforts they put it… WOW. meanwhile I’m averaging 9-10 hours sleep per day, which is the recommended hours for NORMAL PEOPLE (not students). The healthy life makes me feel guilty because of all the lost hours I could use to study. Also, this labels me LAZAYY.
  7. Blogging/Magazines/Pinterest
    Sadly this is a culprit too, along with all the other nonsense when I get bored with the above. So yes, you could say that I am bored with the above currently and obviously with my books as well.

I would probably need serious help for all these things. God help me I mean it. I guess back to the books will be a logical action now seeing that I have taken a break off by typing this post.

I hope the next time I’m back is after SWOTVAC, if it isn’t, I’m probably bored of the above again.

Praying with some improvement for these addictions erghh

Weird

it is actually

So am I