The end

“Begin with the end in mind”

It was part of the 7 habits in life which Stephen Covey, my dad’s all time favourite mentor, wrote about. My dad lives by it and he tried to drill those habits into us since a very young age (which is pretty hard for a child to apply). I remembered receiving the 7 habits book as a teen as a gift from my dad, as it was the age I could “start understanding adult books” and learn about life. The 7 habits were like our 10 commandments our family lived by and it was something I had close to my heart. Stephen Covey was literally my childhood (strangely).

I had the end in my mind. I knew what I wanted to be from a young age, I always had something to fill in the “career ambitions” form in school every year unlike many of my confused friends. My parents had brought me up to be a realistic child, to have a realistic future with a stable income. I chose the most realistic thing for me I had growing up, a dentist. It was my dad’s occupation.

I looked up to him, the way he managed his life and his family. Everything seems realistic and we were a happy family, I religiously filled in “dentist” every year at school and told everyone my ambition. I received nothing but praise and how that it was a good ambition to aspire to be like my father. I would even have a secure job in the future. I had the end in mind, as young as 12.

I did everything I could to secure my self to get to that end in mind. I felt like the most focussed and confident student out of all my friends, who were still busy figuring out what they wanted for their careers, some of them even admired the fact that I knew what I wanted such early on.

I had the end in mind. But I wasn’t told, that it could be stuffed up.

Getting myself into one of the top universities in Australia, I felt like I was on the roll. I was getting there and I was chugging to the finish line. Soon I’ll finish my science degree and get into dental grad school..I’ll be set and done, accomplished.

I was so wrong.

I got the subtle hints that it wasn’t going to work out last year. The failing grades in my cores and the unexpected acing of subjects not related to my major, such as law. But the people surrounding me told me that I shouldn’t give up, I was so close to the finish line after all. This was just a hurdle and it would pass, everyday I told myself that I could get through this with God by my side. The second semester went by perfectly, suddenly everything seemed back on track and the blurry vision of dentistry started to come back into light. I felt this sudden gleam of hope and that God answered my prayers.

Until last week.

This was the semester I had worked the hardest. I was repeating the subject I failed and I was hoping to ace it. On my 21st birthday, I decided to log on to the result portal hoping for some luck.

I failed.

Again

I saw my dreams and hopes shatter right before my eyes. My heart sank so low that I didn’t think it was possible to pick it up. It wasn’t something my 12 year old self envisioned it to be. I had the sudden urge to cancel the 21st party that my parents had actually planned for me (apparently for a year), my frame of mind.. my whole body… couldn’t take the news. My life had just met the worst car crash of all time. Never have I envisioned myself  being 21, a failure in books and single in life.

I couldn’t understand. I did all the steps. I had the end in mind. I was suppose to graduate at 21, go to grad school by 22. I’ve put the work in, in fact more during this semester to pull my grades up higher. I thought sailing through the last semester was a sign from God that I’m still on the right track.

I felt like getting myself together for the party the most difficult thing to do. Everyone wished me a great day and for all my dreams to come true and there I was outrightly lying about my “great” day. (I did managed to tell some of the people close to me about my horrendous results though)

As the whole 21st hiatus has currently died off, I managed to get myself  into a space today to decide what to do with myself. My life track has met an accident and smashed into smitherins, I don’t know where I’m going and there feels like no end. I had never heard of Carl Lentz before besides his occasional appearances on Justin Bieber’s instagrams but for some reason I decided to click on one of his Youtube videos.

It hit me.

Maybe God wants to change my course… of life. It nerve-wrecking. It’s crazy. It’s so hard to accept thought deep down currently I know it’s the truth. I have been so focused on this ideal end in mind I had set up for myself from when I was younger. I felt like it was a reputation to upkeep. The sudden shift in course is turning my life upside down.

I am struggling. I know it deep down.

But I have to trust God. I know I don’t understand… I still don’t. But I have to continue to build that trust.

Trust in knowing that God will bring me to that ideal end.

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Dreams and Wishes

I’ve just stumbled onto her cover of this Disney Classic song. It just brought me back to my childhood of “totally doing nothing” and just sitting in the loungeroom watching all my Disney tape collection five times a week, with lots of dreaming involved of course. In all honesty, I have anticipating to watch this film since it announced production but it has been months since it’s release and I still haven’t watched it! -cries- Blaming it on my crazy hectic schedule. Just saying, Lily James totally slayed this song and it’s my favourite version of it. Not the sleepy version of the original in the same time retaining it’s classical elements without adding the pop-styled nonsense. (I don’t hate pop music, I just don’t like it when they get added to a classic, they don’t mix right)

Of course, my childhood dreams and current realities didn’t go hand in hand. I’m a struggling university kid now and doing crap degree. No Disney doesn’t portray reality, but it doesn’t mean disappointment. Strangely enough, watching that video just brought me back the same innocent child-like happiness I had and the longing to dream. Yes, given the happiness is only lasting for less than 5 minutes before I have to snap back to reality, I still love it and I freaking cherish it.

This Disney part of me is definitely the girly part of me, sans the ballet upbringing. But wasn’t that lopsided a girly girl, my absolute favourite Disney films includes the animal ones, Simba was my first ever TV crush and it worries some of my friends because he wasn’t even human LOL. I am hardcore when it comes to Disney and no one can mess with my knowledge, including knowing Ilago’s breed (the hornbill sidekick of Ja’afar in Aladdin) and singing the Hawaiian bits of Aloha E Komo Mai (Lilo & Stitch).

It baffles me how some people who claimed to be Disney fans can work at Disney but yet… never watched the films… What?

I’m not judging (or more like trying not to) but I’m finding it really hard to wrap my head around that fact.

One of my childhood dreams as a 10 year old was to one day star in a Disney live-adaptation of one of the classics I grew up with. Mulan cast people… here’s your chance. Jokes. That’s definitely just a wish a heart can make while I’m fast asleep. Nonetheless, I am excited for that adaptation, I really hope they do the casting and the character justice, she better be Chinese, most of all she’d better be strong willed.

Now I’ll be signing of for the next 2 weeks of hardcore exam study (not that I post regularly anyway). Just feeling obligated to let you guys know that I’ll be away, before I return and report more incredible nonsensical happenings of my life and feelings. Hopefully by then, I would have gotten the time to catch up on my Cinderella and Disney marathons.