Decision making

Here’s the deal, I’m the worst at decision making. It makes me wonder sometimes why I got picked into being a leader, leader’s are meant to be the best at decision making. Being indecisive is the worst trait of a leader (well I get annoyed if my leaders can’t make a decision). Which brings me to this, I’m a current kids leader that’s being lead by a kids pastor but currently being offered a position to run the toddler section as a proper leader alongside the kids pastor. I can’t decide. omgosh i actually can’t decide.

A normal human being would have leapt on it. I’m the kind who weighs-in the pros and cons, it’s easy if one outweighs another but it’s the worst if they even out and the weight balance is straight. I mean, THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THE WHOLE PROCESS. The more time I take to decide the more indecisive I get, it completely defeats the purpose of weighing out the issues.

I thought maybe because my brain can’t help itself and God wasn’t talking to me in booming voices, I should talk to people, people in church and the family (because God can speak to us through people, right?). The decision was divided and I’m back to square one. STILL UNDECIDED.

I decided to lay it off, since my senior pastor was away in America and he said he’ll discuss more about it with me regarding the position when I’m back. Besides, I had more pressing issues as a law student such as how to complete 2 law assignments due on the same day without head explosions. I’ve managed that well and better than the decisions I had to make, my head is still intact and it has to be as I have one more test due this Saturday on Constitutional Law.

Then the text came. My senior pastor (SP) is back from America. I have not made a decision. He wants to do an interview next week. 

Brain went on panic mode. The cool calm and collected manner I was planning to have for this Saturday’s test went off-course. SP even asked for my CV, like whuuut… I haven’t even drafted my Consti answers and my CV hasn’t been updated in months.

Times like these, a burning bush wouldn’t scare me. I’d rather a burning bush with God’s voice telling me to decide with A or B than walk around like and aimless drunk.

I’ve been listening to heaps of Chad Veach podcasts the past couple of weeks, many rechoing the main message that God has a plan and that if we stray, He’ll bring as back anyway.

Panic mode clearly didn’t help. I told myself that I should fast and pray on the matter but I didn’t. I ended up shoving it aside, convincing myself I had more priorities like my law assignments. I did not hand the issue to God, which I told my friends I would and that “He’ll help me decide” because I have other things to do. I deliberately dumped it in the corner. I thought I had 2 weeks on the matter but 2 weeks felt like 2 days and now SP is back and I need an answer.

Light Bulb moments

There is a significant difference with leaving the issue with God and dumping it aside and let it rot. God is not going to pick it up for use. He helps us when we are in need, yes, but we have to do the action, ourselves. As in we have to actively pray about it, it should not affect every minute of our lives but neither should be completely ignore it. We have to hand it to God with our own hands in complete surrender and ask for His guidance daily on the matter.

I did it all wrong.

But wrong doesn’t mean an automatic failure.

I have 1 more week. 1 more week to decide. It’s not too late.

One more week to Seek Him, Pray and ask the right help.




I Pray

“I seriously don’t know how you do it, I would be flipping tables right now…”

I was on the phone with my friend, a non-believer. Mid-conversation, my brother enters the room and speaks in a tone which caused a disgruntled argument between us. It all happened so quick that I couldn’t excuse myself from the call and my brother had no idea a call was going on in the background. She heard everything. She was shocked.

The dynamics between every sibling is different. It definitely was between mine and hers. I wouldn’t say the that it is no longer a struggle for me, between my brother and I, it still is and I cope the best way I can (sometimes failing), I try my best to make it not the norm.

I wanted to sugar coat it, say something else and how I cope with life is the same as everyone else. But it isn’t.

My whole life, I hide my faith the best way I can from non-believers with the fear of judgement. It doesn’t help with the recent criticisms of Christians being Bible-Bashers and banning LGBT rights etc… We were being posed as the bad guys in the media. It was anytime but now to be the time to shout about it.

I had always been cautious about my words, how I phrased them when it was relating to my faith, how I cope with life. I tried to make it relatable to everyone else so that there’ll be a bond between us and we could still be friends. I didn’t want to be that Christian friend who is so loud about it and only wants to rope her friends into church.

I was hilariously enough… going on the extreme side. I did not want to admit that I had faith.

Honestly… I pray.

Thats what I told my friend on the phone to the response she gave me.

It was pure honesty on how I get through it, get through life, get through those struggles that continuously appears. To a non-believer, they may think I am talking to some invisible friend and it’s just my way to rant due to my absence of my rant buddies (who left for overseas).

I’m not roping you into my faith, but that’s just how I cope in life. If everyone can express their views freely and what they believe in life, so can I.

God is real to me, He truly is. I rant to Him everyday. I let it out. I know you might find it strange, whether He will answer me immediately like the way the friends on earth do, He does but sometimes He doesn’t. It’s okay if He doesn’t because I have faith, I have faith that He is control and that gives me peace, the peace I need during this storm and the comfort I need through the struggle and the armour in the fight.

“That’s good that you have something constant to lean on Juan… that’s really good. As long as it keeps you strong.”

It does Jac.

The best thing about it is that it’s open to everyone.

I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength – Philippians 4:13