Impulse decisions can be exciting

It’s been a while since I did some procrastinating blog posts. It’s the perfect (and not so perfect) time right now as I have an assignment due at 2pm today and I haven’t even neared half of it.

I haven’t had a weekend as hectic as the one I just had, I’ve been running on less than 4 hours sleep for a couple nights straight which is extremely rare, I LOVE MY SLEEP. I believe it’s one of God’s greatest gifts. Seriously. Sleep.

You must be thinking I must be really hardworking with something but to be honest it’s the complete opposite. It was one of my closest friend’s 21st, it was like some major celebration, a night of clubbing and a birthday dinner that lasted as long as clubbing. Clubbing comes along with sleep-ins, that’s why you don’t hear a single word from clubbers until the afternoon or later. I am not a clubber, in fact I’m a morning person and my mornings had to run as per se, so 9am ballet classes and 8am Kid’s Mission Sunday at church had to go AS PLANNED.

Funny thing was, just before I was about to start the wild 21st celebrations with my friends, I made to most sudden impulsive decision ever. Anything less than 24hours of thinking is an impulse for me. This was made under 3 hours.

I decided to sign up for baptism, 2nd time this round.

I understand this isn’t a decision to be made on impulse. It is something to be thought through and people take months to decide. The church that gave me my 1st baptism at 15 years old had us (the class) prepping for almost a year. So why on earth would I make a decision at a bus stop?

I was aware my church was giving a baptism but I never really gave it much thought. I was baptized just by sprinkling of water 5 years ago in a Methodist Church, where everyone was methodical and if you’re 15 in sunday school, you do it together with your sunday school class in front of the congregation. It wasn’t really much of a spotlight thing. It looked more like a graduation ceremony to me and I did it for all the wrong reasons at the time.. because everyone was doing it.

I accepted Christ at 13. I was growing in faith and I was loving it. But my family’s weird as culture of church hopping never really helped my growth. My faith became like a roller-coaster, there were extreme highs and extreme lows and just unbelievable sudden 360 turns in the middle, it was so crazy. But fun and exciting like how roller coasters are. I LOVE roller coasters.

I didn’t get the “Oh wow I feel so brand new” feeling most people get after a baptism during mine, which I always heard about. Those were mainly immersion baptisms and at the time I was baptised, the church didn’t believe it was necessary. They said “as long as we have water, that’s the symbol”. But part of me deep inside always longed to be baptised the way Jesus did.

There were opportunities that came along but I always had this doubt of “I don’t know if I’m even going to continue staying in this church”. Some of my relatives believed immersion was not necessary. So already having Christ in my life, already baptised “symbolically” and confirmed as well, I have, in a way ticked all the boxes of becoming a Christian (to certain standards). Getting baptised again went back under the brain.

“You should get baptised by immersion! We are having a class today at 5pm, you should contact the (the pastor in charge) and let her know! Go go go!”

I had an extremely bad day the day before making the decision. I cried my eyes out and had to go to uni puffy eyed. I texted my friend I didn’t want to go to her 21st either because I was just to upset with everything in my life. She got upset. As a proper human, to make your best friend upset on her 21st birthday is a big no-no, so I agreed to go again, sucking up all my shitty feelings. I had to skip a church camp because of this so missing her 21st will be a stupid decision too.

The last people I ever want to meet when I am puffy eyed and hobo-looking (ceebs dressing up after a bad day) is people I’m not close to, especially the opposite sex. I just don’t want to meet anyone and be completely alone. Especially with a big weekend ahead.

WHO KNEW. I bumped into one of the people I would absolutely want to avoid (given the current situation), some guy from church, at the bus stop. Making small talk is not my forte but I also hate to stand next to someone I know with NO CONVERSATION going on. It just makes the awkward meter explode further. Just after a bad day and a long draining weekend I am dreading to go to, the conversation topics with him were running low like the water in California. I suddenly decided to bring up the baptism that was coming up in the church. I was curious how a church that didn’t have a proper sanctuary and no pool was going to have an immersion baptism. (I mean seriously there was nothing else to talk about)

Then he told me I should get baptised immersion. Then his bus came. Then I was left alone to think. Then I made an impulse decision.

I told myself, let’s go to the class.

I cancelled the dinner with the friend I was suppose to have before our friend’s 21st clubbing event. Part of me felt like I needed to take off time from all the 21st shenanigans going on and focus on myself on what I really want, what I really need.

I want to get baptised. The way Jesus did. I want to be born again (again), I want to get rid of all this recurring shit baggage I’m always having. I need Jesus.

I want to leave them all behind in the waters as I emerge out of the waters. I will leave them to Jesus. He knows everything and I trust Him with all my heart.

I want to be a completely new person again. I don’t want all the confusion and hurt to haunt me every single time I’m low. I want Jesus to appear and be with me and consume each time it happens.  Only Jesus can do that, Only He can make me new.

I know there still will be testing times after that. I also know I may not get the feeling I want to get immediately after baptism but I trust and I know I’ll still be made new. I know that the devil is always roaming around and I am still his prey. But I have a Father to run to and it will be better. He makes it worthwhile.

Can’t wait for this Friday

Part of me felt like God sent the weirdo to the bus stop for a good reason.

 And now what are you waiting for? Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on his name. – Acts 22:16

Advertisements

Because they said YOLO

I’m having SWOTVAC (study vacation) right now. I’m meant to study. I have exams in 9 days. I’m not prepared. It’s 1.30am.

Here I am anyway.

It was August 11th 2011. I remember heading towards the bus with my friends, bags packed, saying goodbye to other friends and with a heart full of excitement and adventure. It was the boarding house life, staying in a room and living in school could get pretty boring so I signed up to every activity and opportunity I get to leave the room or boarding house. My extreme YOLO attutude played a part too. I love outdoors, adventure and anything weird. What more could I ask if I could go with a few of my friends? I embarked on a ski trip for the first time that day.

I remembered my aunty texting me “Stay safe”, my brother telling me “don’t die” and my room neighbour saying “Don’t get injured”.

Those farewell wishes, who knew it would actually come true.

It was August 12th 2011. The baby sloped were a breeze. Thanks to the years of ballet and dance background, my balance and strength kept me stable and one of the few who didn’t fall at all. The instructors praised me and that obviously boosted my pride. A few of my friends kept landing on their bums continuously, in my heart I was like, “Dear God, thank you for sending me to ballet all these years.” I swear ballet is kickass. Still the best sport and muscle training I’ve ever had in my life. Pretty much explainable in the extreme toned bodies of ballerinas.

She thought I was good, the instructor, who was also the French teacher of our school. She felt I was ready for the big game so she took me along to the big slopes with the chair lifts with a couple of others. Like seriously, my heart was all WHOOHOO at this point. Adrenaline rush everywhere due to excitement. I could’ve wet my pants anytime then.

The big slopes, they were no joke. I wasn’t scared. I loved heights and I’m a pretty good rock-climber myself. I loved climbing and abseiling down things, those were steep and these slopes should be easy. I was so wrong. 

Firstly, this was snow. It’s ice. It’s slippery. I forgot that steepness and ice gives you speed. Like seriously all the physics tests I aced in school were blanked of with my confidence and excitement. I fell on the snow for the first time on the big slope. My friends laughed, because I finally took a fall like they did in the baby slopes. It was a baby fall the first one, I laughed too. I fell a couple more times, each time I fell, the skis came off, it started to get annoying. I saw the distance I had to conquer before I reached the end. It was long.

I prayed a silent prayer. “God, I know you’re there, I know you’re here with me. Keep me safe. I trust you.” Fear had started to creep in and the excitement diminished as quickly as it came. The friends who came with me were calling all over. I was still leading the pack in the front. Suddenly my instructor yelled, “You don’t have to wait for us! You can go ahead and go faster!” She had so much confidence in me. She got that wrong too.

To be completely honest. I wasn’t ready. But the slopes started to look like a monster and I wanted to get back down as soon as possible to get it over with and the only way down was skiing. I did what she told me to do.

The speed. It was fast. It was the fastest. SHIT. I felt like I was losing control. I was. I said a quick version of my silent prayer. As soon as I said that, I crossed my skis to try and slow down. The friction wasn’t there though…

The skis didn’t come off as I fell this time.

I was on my face the next second

My legs an awkward position

I couldn’t feel my legs

Just pure sheer sharp pain seared across  my body.

Little did I know my life wouldn’t be the same for next 2 years.

Mama

“Have you texted your mother yet?”

“Are you going to call your mother?”

“So what did you buy for your mother?”

I started Mother’s Day 2014 not with my mother, but packing up and leaving a lodge in Blairgowrie after spending the weekend trying to make new friends with people from my new church. The morning started with those questions, which didn’t come to me quite yet as I was still trying to keep awake from a late night of lack of sleep. It made me feel really guilty.

As the phone reception at the lodge was unbelieva-freaking-bly terrible, I only managed to log back into my social media sites once I got back to civilisation aka home. Selfies with mothers unprepared for selfies with their social-media driven children flooded my newfeed on Facebook, #tbt with mother’s either came really late or really early that day as they kept rolling down my Instagram, I double-tapped them all.

I didn’t do anything fancy. I didn’t have any selfies or ready-to-post #tbt photos on my phone. My mother’s day started off with a beautiful sunrise at the beach (pretty much by myself), packing up, cooking breakfast and a long drive back to civilization. My mother picked me up, I wished her the wishes that millions of children have done so earlier before me and we drove home. We fried frozen food and ate it together with the iPad, Facetiming with my aunt (a single mom) about her amazing mother’s day, which I had a feeling made my mum a tad bit jealous because my brother and I didn’t do anything. – what a start

It wasn’t a fancy day at all. No #icecreamswiththemother #familydayformothersday material. It was the exact same thing you would see us do anytime. My mother even went to do gardening even though I insisted that she shouldn’t. I sound like a terrible daughter, my brother sounds like a terrible son. My mother is probably jealous of other mothers.

But despite that jealousy, she made lunch this morning for me again, like she did for me every other day since I started school. My mother is incredibly selfless. She sacrificed a loving life with her husband in Kuala Lumpur to feed 2 ungrateful, low-scoring in grades kids. We don’t deserve it and we were repeatedly told that and still she stayed. She complained to us about the hardships she’s going through for us, being in Australia, away from her husband and her love, still she stayed. She wakes up every morning unfailingly to prepare us food, despite being told countless of times not to do it, my brother and I are being spoilt, still she does it. My mother spoils me unconditionally, for all the right reasons in the wrong way. She does it out of love but displays her anger, wishing we were doing it ourselves but still does it anyway. She worries for our well-being, like it’s her full-time job. It makes us feel guilty but loved at the same time.

I remember when I couldn’t fit-in in church (which I always do because of all that church hopping), she got herself all worried. She wanted us to grow in Christ, it was one of her greatest worries if my brother and I didn’t. We were the top list in her prayers (besides my dad). She started trying to help by getting in contact with the Pastor’s wife, who got hold of my number, obviously given out by desperate mum and started giving out to a couple of leaders I had no clue who they were. Just to try and help me make friends I started texting strangers. Just this weekend, they became my friends, sort of as we still have a lot to bond on. But my mother helped me take the first step. When I decided to serve in Sunday School which requires me at church at 8.45am (church only starts at 10am), my mother was thrilled. She willingly wanted to drive me there every Sunday morning, she even picked a friend of mine living nearby and we went to Sunday School together.

She was so willing for me to do all those weird activities in church, just for me to fit in (because I’m helpless at socialising). My mother normally says “No” to sleepovers, especially if they were people I’ve known less than a year. When I was invited by a group of girls from church for a sleepover, I was suprised my mother said “Yes”. However the circumstances were not ideal, she was leaving to Europe with my Dad, my brother will be home alone and he’s unlikely to survive it despite being 17. My mother went through all measures to make it happen, persuading my aunt and cousin to sleepover at ours while I sleepover at the girls. Trust me, it’s a big job to persuade my aunt. She gave in to lots of weird things this year just for the sake of wanting me and helping me to fit in church. Lastest one? Spending the 1st half of mothers day without me, letting me go on a chill getaway with groups of churchies. It’s crazy. These were things she would never let me do, despite turning 20 soon. I love my mother very much. I know

I don’t do fancy things many children did yesterday for their mothers, but one thing for sure I never do, Hide from my mother. She is my bestfriend. I know she is cranky-as at times but which woman isn’t? I tell her everything I do and if I didn’t, I’ll be so ridden with guilt I’ll tell her anyways.

Everyday should be Mothers Day. You should be telling her everything and taking selfies with her everyday. It shouldn’t just be on a special day and make it feel special. It should be mandatory, because she does it for use everyday anyway. Childrens Day is like a 24/7 event for her but Mothers Day just a day in 365 days, it’s just unfair and terrible.

Mama,
You have done so many things I can’t just write them all here. My keyboard will wreck and my site will crash. You have been amazing despite me being terrible. You loved me through all the anger and yelling. I know sometimes you act like you don’t care but deep down you do. I’m sorry you didn’t get those fancy things many mothers received, I’m sorry you didn’t get 15 hours of fame on my social media accounts but if you would love it, I will do it for you, not on Mother’s day or your birthday. It’ll be a weekly thing for the both of us. Happy dinners and girly chats. Selfies in my phone so we could laugh at it by ourselves in the future (I know you hate the internet anyway). Thanks for everything, especially just loving me. To be half as great as you are as a mum to my children would be my dream. xx Your Daughter

To all the mothers in my family, Happy Mothers Day ❤

CJ3V5731