Seek help, offer help, Be the help

I did not start my morning great today. It started off with a late start, a discussion turned mini-argument with the parents on the July trip back to Malaysia, which I have unfortunately still am having trouble to wrap my head around it despite the previous blog post.

I knew staying at home wouldn’t get my assignment and work done, I had to get out of the house because of the moody environment I had created among myself and my parents. Library was the only option but the drive there made part of my “ceebs” attitude resurface. To top things off, my current spot in the Doncaster library is in between 2 separate tutoring sessions and I can hear this tutor talking about how “SACs in schools are very unfair…”.

I needed to clear my head, this frustration. The effort of coming all the way to the library can’t and shouldn’t be wasted so I decided to open emails in search of a devotion to clear my head.. “God please speak to me pleaseeeeeee…”

The story that God gave me was completely unrelated to what I was going through but nonetheless a hit in the head, which is what I needed.

Story of the crippled man lowered through the roof by others for Jesus to heal him – Mark 2

How is that related?

One can’t go to Jesus alone, we need help. We need guidance. The more hurt or injured we are, the more we need to accept the help offered to us to reach Jesus.. to reach for healing. Vice versa, the more injured the other person is, the more help you have to offer to them.

We can’t do this alone.

I loved doing things alone. Still do sometimes…in fact my whole solo trip to the library was to escape everything to be alone.. guilty.

Crippled man couldn’t do it alone if it wasn’t for the 4 men who made the effort to lower him through the roof… all that effort. If he had so much pride and the men had less compassion, none of it would have happened and no healing can take place.

Too much of today’s mentality of I can do what I want. My own way. Myself has been taken too seriously. I’m not saying it’s bad, I think it’s inspirational but only to a certain extent. If we are hurting to a certain point till we can’t help ourselves anymore, it’s okay to reach out for that help, for that love that others are willing to offer you.

We need to know when to draw the line and honestly see beyond what we can do. There is a reason we humans have been built with the emotional conscience that can throw us out of whack. It needs the feed of help when we can’t do it ourselves.

Please do yourself a favour. Whatever it is,  wherever you are, whoever you maybe… get help or offer the help needed.

I certainly need help myself. Always have, had and do. There were times I left it too late but Thank God for constant reminders and merciful rescues even at the last minute.

p/s: I sent an apology text to my parents before this post in case you were wondering. I tend to wanna mend the tension I have straight after I’ve reached sanity. Reduced that mountain of potential anger and hurt.

Reference: Proverbs31 Ministries

 

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Asians in Media

This video.

A friend of mine in the UK who’s incredibly passionate about film shared it on Facebook a couple of days ago and I’m so glad she did. Everything in this video speaks volumes of the culture we live in cough cough Hollywood.

It’s no doubt that Hollywood shapes the culture we live in, it’s a global thing, everything that stems from there can be viewed in almost everypart of the world (maybe China can be an exception). The message it sends with this whole culture replacement thing is just plain degrading to one of the largest demographic and market to its industry in the world – Asians.

Since a young age growing watching all the mainstream pop culture shows, I always knew there was a lack of Asian representation on TV. Brenda Song was like my idol growing up and pretty much the only Asian in the whole of Disney at the time. In fact right now, I don’t know if there even is one? When Wendy Wu came out  I freaking flipped out.

Because we were so scarce on TV, I always had a thought at the back of my mind on wanting to join the media world, represent my culture with pride (just that my personality doesn’t match… I’m too shy). I did give it a go in school by joining drama but failed because I’m such a major introvert and having an audience scares me.

Some of the best acting in my highschool were done by Asians, but they didn’t carve the Hollywood career for themselves, they became doctors and lawyers.

There’s still a stigmatism and tradition in many Asian families that is hard to break. However, there are some out there whom are willing to let their children break out of that Asian mould of choosing just a steady stable career. That’s been steadily growing (my bestfriend’s cousin is doing well).

We’re out there now, there’s more of us. Pick us and give us roles. Give us a space to share.

Shout out to my bestfriend’s cousin who is a lead on the Nickolodean Show Make It Pop. You rock it Erika (girl in long hair) and do us proud!

Here’s a shamelss promo of that show. (All 3 Asian leads!) Disney… It’s time to step up your game.

A United Stand

It hurts to know what happened on Nov 13th. It makes people angry, especially to those where Paris and the French people hold a special place in their hearts. Discovering the motives of these horrendous actions just fuels more anger, hurt and sadness, which the media is doing an extremely good job on their part.

My cousins are French, born Parisians and raised Aussies. But they are stil French and it’s thick in their blood. Their grandparents live in Paris and they are the sweetest, I’ve met both Mami and Papi personally and their tante is an absolute gem. So yes, Paris and the people have a close place in my heart and it definitely shook our family. My aunt came over to our house the next day with the worry of not being able to get in contact with her in-laws who live on the fringe of Paris, it was devastating (we later found out they’re alright).

Seeing the support Paris is getting does warms my heart, it truly does. I woke up this morning to my Facebook feed with an influx of friends changing their display pictures to the French flag filters. Every single social media platform I was logging on had their logos switched to the French flag. My instagram was streaming in with photos of the Tour Eiffel as a peace sign of the Tour itself.Screen Shot 2015-11-15 at 6.34.58 PM

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My aunt and cousins had the filters on and it was natural that they did.  I was about to do the same, I wanted to stand in solidarity with the French people, but then something held me back.

#prayforparis

Paris isn’t the only city hurting.

Japan just experienced a devastating earthquake.

A suicide bombing attack just occurred in Beirut, killing and wounding over 200 people.

Baghdad experienced suicide bombings as well…

I don’t see Facebook doing any filters for them.

The Syria and Palestine war has been ongoing for months, the refugee crisis was all over the news. Shooting and bombings were a daily catastrophe and traumatizing event for the people. It is terrorizing, mentally and physically. It has become the norm for some of these children.

France is full on social media savvy compared to the other side of the world. Their sudden peace and comfort definitely shook their world and their people took the social media by storm, alerting others across the world with the exact same privileges.

The Syrians and middle-eastern people don’t have that privilege. Their cries of help have been going on for months, people see them as pests as they stream into Europe for refuge. Facebook hasn’t give them a “filter” for support over the past few months. #prayforsyria wasn’t trending.

Like I said, I love France and it holds a special place in my heart. But I don’t want to just ONLY stand for Paris and #prayforparis. As God’s people we should show a united front, we should show solidarity for the world, for the other innocent people hurting. Paris needs our prayers BUT so does others.

It hurts my heart that even through this difficult time, people are choosing sides on who to pray for, casting out Muslims and throwing shade at others. The real enemy rejoices when he sees this because that is what he wants, he wants to see the brokenness in people and he thrives in seeing all the hurt and anger, he stirs more trouble by killing more.

We can’t pick sides. It is time, we as humanity, to set aside our differences and stand together and pray for everyone and open our eyes, look out for other brothers and sisters in countries that are in permanent suffering. We shouldn’t let one major event open our eyes and shun the other ongoing problems.

The media plays a huge role in this no doubt. It is undeniably one of the most powerful tool in the 21st century, it can make or break people, it can make or break the world.

We are part of the media. We all own a social media account. We take charge of what we post and share. We CAN make or break the world. We have the tool to change it. Use it.

Here’s one of my favourite songs from the Legend himself, because.. We are the World that God has blessed us with.

Mercies in Disguise

Before I begin, I’d like to apologize for the lack of presence for the past few weeks… teehee

Yes. It has been a crazy amount of weeks and I’m not gonna lie about my faith, emotions and all that nonsense being tested… because they were… tested. Crazy floods of doubts and fears and speculation kept swarming my brain and I kid you not, there were times in my room while I was by myself… I don’t really know what my position in life was anymore.

It’s crazy to think that I could even end up in that position. Seeing as I had lined up such an amazing plan for myself, had such crazy amazing experiences last year (which I thought would help me be prepared for a great 2015), daaaaang I was pretty wrong and had such high hopes.

Okay before I make everything sound so depressing, there were some things really helped open my eyes about what I really am and what I’ve been exposed to, really threw me into some deep thinking for a while. But yes, I shall detail some of these crazy things that has been buried in my cerebral cortex for a while..

  1. The GPA isn’t high enough

    I think this was like the start of my downward spirals, discovering the importance of my GPA a bit too late one night and the reality dawned on me that my dreams of being a dentist may not be achieved and I was dum enough to pick a course that unrealistically couldn’t get me there. It was just a random night where I was googling about my postgrad education application, the fact that my GPA wasn’t even their bare minimum made my tear ducts wanna pop and my heart explode with anguish. I spent days just beating myself up about all the stupid decisions I’ve made as a first year uni student and probably as a high school student as well, I was in that chair of regret for at least a week. I should also mention the fact I was living alone that whole time so my emotions were most definitely out of control and I locked myself up in the most introverted way possible (didn’t help).

  2. Leaving Melbourne
    I was born here, but I wasn’t bred here. But it has been my home for the past 6 years of my life and I have finally blended into my birth country, with great energy. I can’t emphasise enough on the fact that it takes an immense amount of effort for an introvert to fit in, from experience. When I presented the fact about my GPA to my parents, it dawned to me that if I were still keen on my dreams, I will have to leave Melbourne to pursue and maybe even leave Australia itself. I spent a good several weeks (and still am) questioning myself, Do you still want to be a dentist? I seriously don’t want to leave mainly because I have grown so accustomed to everything and honestly can’t be bothered setting up a brand new life again.
  3. Career switching?
    It was something I have always visioned myself doing, being a dentist. Really. Friends who have known me the longest can’t imagine me being something else either because it was something I’ve always ranted about. When I proposed my plan of career switching to my parents, they weren’t quite accepting about it. You must be thinking… they want you to be a dentist, not you. But no. I myself can’t really vision myself being anything else. Mum believes my sense of dejectment was due to the fact I ran out of energy to run this race God gave me. I believe there was some truth in it. I’ve been running this race (to be a dentist) for so long, is it really worth giving it up now? Or will there be another calling? which i don’t know… Am I suppose to bum around while I wait? I’ve decided that I should just continue sticking to this..
  4. Guy friends
    I guess this is the good part. Growing up, I only had girl friends as my closest hangout buddies, (girls school didn’t help much either). I can now say I’ve finally been out on a meal with a guy for the first time at the ripe old age of 20 (wasn’t a date). My closest friends can testify that I don’t text guys and if I talked to guys, they were pretty much surface talk. Legit.
    This summer semester somehow, I was placed in an assignment group where I was the only girl. Can honestly say I was pissed and freaking out in the inside. I was equally as pissed at my group mates because their working style was not what I was comfortable with. But then how weird, when I was asked to lunch by one of them after our tute. The others has pretty much disappeared after out assignment and he was the only one in my tute I talked to, for the first time I got to hung out with a guy one on one without awkwardness (I did before but it  was so awkward). I struck a friendship with him and another guy in my group that I never expected. The topics I got to converse with these guys were actually intellectually stimulating, wasn’t the typical girl-boy flirt stuff a lot of my friends love to do (and I hate) that I always witness and squirm at. The politics and global issues… man it was so far-fetched than the usual gossips of my closest friends. Not that I hated it or them, but it was refreshing to talk about things other than ourselves. These guys were of different faiths (Muslim) and I also got such a deeper insight to another religion I was familiar yet not, I realised that Abrhamiam religions have a lot more in common than we believed it to be (should honestly stop fighting each other).

Well all these happened the past few weeks during my summer semester. I’m currently back on the daily grind of the new semester, new challenges and struggles have already been spouting at my face when I’ve yet to resolve the ones before. I’ll briefly mention that they have to do with my church commitments which I have promised people I’ll commit to but finding it hard to juggle with the new schedule I’m having.

God is this really what you want? and Why are you putting me in this position? have been my new daily chants and desperations. I have yet to get answers for these questions and it puts me in great stress as well because I have to give answers to the other human beings around me when God has yet to give me an answer.

No I don’t get booming voices in my head like most people do. But one thing I know for sure.. At least that part is answered, from Laura Story’s song

“all these trials of this life, could be His mercies in disguise…”

I get my inspiration from my bus ride iPod sessions.

Personality Tests. Introversion. Bubbles.

“Yeah it was a good thing you went up there to talk, it brought you out of your shell for a bit.”

My shell

My shell… or bubble?

I got this comment which was meant to be a compliment for an introvert after I did a public testimony on my faith. That was one rare occasion I am not sure if I will be repeating again anytime soon. To be honest I don’t know what is my shell. The world, the society, everything tried to define a person within boxes. Recently I’ve been thrown at with a lot of personality tests, which resulted in this.INFP

16personalities.com gives you like a detailed description of your life, how it will turn out and if you don’t know how to run your life, they’d tell you how to too. They predict your married life and your careers… woah like whut? I’ll have to admit, reading my profile they gave me about being an INFP, it was pretty accurate.

Yes, I am reserved and private.
Yes, I day-dreamed lots.
Yes, I love writing… but I wouldn’t say I’m poetic.
Yes, I love my feelings and instinct, I’m pretty much a whishy-washy person. People hate me so much for this.

But hey… that’s what they say. As I continued reading about “myself”, I kept having moments of AHAHA that is SO MEEE! I even shared the link with all my friends saying it’s like the “best test ever!” and that everyone should give it a go to “discover themselves” seriously I was acting like such a bimbo

Then my close friend texted me.
” Are you sure that’s you? YOU’RE AN INTROVERT? wait hold on a minute, YOU ARE NOT. Oh, are you sure you’re this and that?”

It made me reflect on my life.

The test said I was the most introverted among my friends, the friends I lived with in boarding school. The friends whom I annoyed banging on doors and them doing vice-versa back on me. They lived with me. They’ve seen me running through the corridors like a mad woman and climbing the gates and defying rules like a monkey. My primary school friends have witnessed my racing games with teachers trying to hunt me down to cane me. That is not an introverted kid. That is a mad girl that needs to be held down and disciplined straight up on how to be a lady. My mum believes, to this day, I can’t find a husband if I continued this way.

The test said I was a feeler. Yes I am. I get affected now and then when my emotions run mad with my family issues and home situations, I find it hard to concentrate, to focus. Then again, ADHD is genetic and it runs in my family. I secretly believe I am mildly one which is the cause of my hyperactivity as well as strayed mind. If I was really that much of a feeler and let my emotions run me..

  • I wouldn’t have survived depression alone in the boarding house. But I did. No one knew I had it. I controlled it really hard, I exercised how to control my emotions so well during that period of time. I made sure I cried myself to sleep past midnight, when no one would enter my room. I made sure none of my friends or family found out. There were obvious changes in myself but I stayed strong, inside I was dying so badly and I felt like life was not worth living anymore, yet on the outside my mad woman trait was still existing, to keep me strong. I made sure it was secret. The only person I couldn’t run away from was God, He brought me out of that ditch. Sometimes you can’t hide everything.
  • I probably would’ve had a boyfriend. But I told myself to not let my feelings run. I was a student, still am a student. I have priorities and I ain’t got time. God has to be my centre and my studies next. I had so much to do in my life and I do not want another person to ruin it, not yet.. not now. I know in my previous post I mentioned about lack of boys, that plays a part in too but I never got desperate despite my friends coupling up everywhere. I don’t think it is just an INFP thing to be affected about this. Yet as an INFP, I controlled this emotion better than anyone I knew who wasn’t what I am. A desperate girl who lets her feelings run her can jump on anyone and get herself in a stupid relationship, I didn’t.
  • I was a prefect in highschool. Yes, a prefect. Those kids with fancy uniforms who police you around and everyone hates them because they think they’re boss. We are.. lol. I don’t know how one can be a prefect if they weren’t stern, the number of kids that can run over your head, it can drive you mad. Feelings certainly can’t drive you. As a leader, you had to be systematic to get things done, which I’m pretty sure I was because I had to get stuff done… if my memory is still good. To be completely honest, I didn’t know how I got chosen. A mad kid like me who gets canned heaps in primary school. Still unbelievable.

In the end of the day, who defines you? Who are you going to let in to tell you how you are suppose to live?

Yes I agree that I do relate to those traits. I believe despite that extreme description of my monkey self, I’m an introvert inside out. But I am not an ordinary introvert.

People illustrate introverts as people in their little bubbles. We create and rejuvenate our energy from within our bubbles alone, unlike extroverts who absorb this energy from other people. We are portrayed as this solemn kid sitting in the corner of our bubble trying to “get out energy”. 

I am not that.

I love my bubble. LOVE IT. My bubble is my life. My bubble is just God and I, me and God. We get energy together, we are a team, that’s how I’ve been surviving. BUT, I don’t cower in the conner like a sad kid in the bubble being sad and all that nonsense. Seriously that is not how I work and probably I hope I speak for others.

In my bubble, I jump like a mad dog. By my self.  That’s right, in true introversion fashion. I get my energy by myself, but I am mad as. I release all that hyperactivity and energy I have been containing and holding in and release them everywhere in my bubble when I am alone. I can do the freaking hakka okay

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Just like how introverts are described, we do let people in our bubble, but only a few. That is when my close friends and family come in. They have seen me in my bubble. They know I am mad. They are the only ones who know my madness because I let them into my bubble.

Of course, there are times I kick them out of the bubble, if they were permanently in there, I wouldn’t like it and that wouldn’t make me an introvert anyway. People outside my bubble, they see me as this serene kid, no nonsense and the perfect description of an INFP. They weren’t my comfort people and I’m sure as not going to let them in to see my cray cray self, no one would want to be my friend. That’s when my reserved characteristic comes in, I do observe the people around me, I will make sure I know you well enough to let you in to this crazy turbulent (as described) world that possesses me.

I did the exact same test as part of my mission trip training that I will taking at the end of the year to the Philippines. My pastor wanted to get to know his team a little better. My results popped up INFP again. He agreed fully as I read the descriptions of myself to the rest of the team (we had to “get to know each other”): quiet, contained, private, reserved. Pure stereotypical introversion style. I guess in a way I have set of a pace and style to the team to not tick me off and stay away from my bubble.

It is quite the privilege… to have the key into an introvert’s bubble. I also believe there is no set amount of people that can be in the bubble. To enter the bubble you will have to have a key, but you disrespect the times you are allowed or not allowed into the bubble, your key gets confiscated. As I socialise more, more people will get this key to my bubble. Sometimes I give it a little to early, sometimes it takes me ages to give it out. It is so rare to find people who respect the bubble space, but so far my pickiness on bubble keys have been successful, I’ve never really confiscated much bubble keys before hahaha

Trust me. You would want to be in my bubble.

WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A BALL IN MY BIG BOUNCY INFLATABLE BIG BUBBLE BALLIE like whooo! Because I BOUNCE.

ignore that

Personality tests are not 100%. It may help give you an idea of a person but it doesn’t define them. You don’t get to know a person by just reading their online profile, that’s just as stupid as 9 + 10 = 21. Talk to them, socialise and actually take the effort to spend time and get to know them. You can’t just pop into an introvert’s bubble, you earn it. Well, some people work less harder than others. It would be honestly such an insult to God and His creation if he only made 16 personalities. Really?? What happened to His infinite potential?

God created me as I am. I am happy as I am. I am created to have problems too but I am engineered to lean on Him to get advice, lean on Him for strength.

God is my bubble.

Mid Sems. Mid Sems. Tests. Tests. Stress. Stress.

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Its that time of the semester, where lecturers dump information on you and expect you to recall all 6 weeks worth of information within an hour.

It’s that time of the semester, where all the energy you have put into the first 6 weeks of university is starting to drain away.

It’s that time of the semester, where 6 weeks of constant routine is starting to get to you and you find stuff to distract yourself away from that constant drain.

It’s that time of the semester , where you try to find a new inspiration and motivation to help you carry on for the next 6-7 weeks of continuous drain, but obviously finding nothing but unproductive distraction.

It’s that time of the semester, where you seriously feel like giving up, you don’t know what you’re doing and wondering if all this effort is going to be worth it after.

It’s that time of the semester, where you do unnecessary reflection on your life when you seriously can’t afford to do so because of all the upcoming mid-sem tests.

It’s that time of the semester, where you start planning all the exciting activities you want to do after the semester ends, you taste the freedom, it’s so near yet so far.

It’s this time of the semester.

It’s this time of the semester I really need to pull my focus back to God, to help me pull my focus back on everything, the goal and the aim and to not stray very far away and repeat the same mistake.

University Life. The real deal not the movie deal.

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The boring part and library shenanigans

Talk about having a busy week. This is the busiest I’ve ever been. The first time my to-do list is overflowing after a long while. After a failed semester, I promised myself I’ll be way much more productive by actually doing to-do lists. It was a habit back in high-school and it worked. For some strange reason, the slacker me over-powered the diligent me… Well I have finally concluded it’s because of this sudden burst of freedom which I never had before. No wonder everyone loves college/university life at first… until it comes rubbing back in the face going HAHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE SUCKER! YOU FAILED.

Epic lols and failures to the people who believe that uni life means freedom and more slacking compared to school life. High school kids dream of uni saying, “we will finally get a rest after all these 12 years of schooling”.

Rest… my ass.

I’m only in my 5th week of the semester, this time diligently compiling all the stuff I need to do and trying my very best to not slack.. trying.. The workload is equivalent to my whole silly year of highschool. What lies. Liars are those college/uni gits who tell you life gets easier. Bunch of liars.

If you’re a highschool student looking forward to this “dream life” and wanting live it up and all that, I’m all for your dream but that’s just one side. No one wants to highlight the bad bits because… they’re legit bad.

Telling kids that you have to spend hours in the library for mid-sem tests and assignments sound boring as.. who wants to go to university now after 12 years of that (to be honest the first 6 years don’t really count)? People go all out for the Pitch-Perfect and all that movie magic stuff. Uni life is so fun and it’s meant to be that way.. “meant to be”. It really gives the wrong picture and I was a victim, I can’t believe I was. I was longing for this “fun”, “whooooheeehaaa” feeling that every kid from high school was looking forward to. I see my assignments coming and be like who does that?

Everyone. They just do it in secret. Those sneaky gits.

They just don’t want to show you because it is boring and it sucks. No one wants to expose a boring side.

But it will be the thing that will determine whether if you wanna stay or get kicked out of university. It is that huge, bigger than that trippy sing-song group that’s suppose to be fun, but no-one shows it, NO ONE. 

I’ve learnt the hard way and it sucks. I had to be really put down low to finally realise that what everyone portrays isn’t real. Not just the media, but your peers. They’ll go clubbing and parties and just highlight their social life and fun-bits because it’s something common human nature can relate to – fun. They won’t ramble about their assignments because it’s boring and you probably wouldn’t understand it anyway. To have a great social life in Uni is like the IT thing. 

I’m not discouraging University life of studying at all. It is a good experience and everyone takes it differently. You will learn something, maybe through working hard from the start or getting smacked in the face later, you will get something out of it. It will be worth it. It’s through these things we learn. It is life after all. 

I’m not saying don’t join anything when you go to university/college. Always keep the balance. It’s not going to be easy and just be prepared to work doubly or triply hard. If you succeed with all that going for you, you are a massive trooper and everyone admires you. You deserve to be the next president of whatever comes your way. Not a lot of people can do that, you will discover what you can do eventually I guess.

Either way if you don’t want to go to university after this, you’ll still get smacked. The fact that you’re still breathing, still living, you have life. Life smacks you in the face so deal with it.

I am glad that I have God by my side through this journey. It is a rough one and honestly I wouldn’t be able to cope without Him. I get smacked by life all the time but He tells me that I’m still worth it and I can keep going and He’ll be there to carry me through. He’s the antibiotics to this deadly bacterial life suffering. Together we’ll be a team and hopefully I’ll get immune to it eventually.

Okay enough procrastination and back to the daily grind. 4 more stuff to tick off the to-do list.

The supposed fun thing that happened last saturday in uni. I think it was Cosplay. I find it odd.
The supposed fun thing that happened last Saturday in uni. I think it was Cosplay. I find it odd, Cosplay in a university does not go well (personal opinion).

Ice Bucket Challenge. Facebook. Videos.

So 2 days ago I was challenged to do this viral fad that’s going all around America called the Ice Bucket Challenged. It’s to do with raising awareness for the Lou Gehrig’s Disease or Motor Neuron Diesease as it is known here in Australia. Well it is viral because everyone from George W. Bush to Bill Gates and every single A-List Hollywoodsie person was doing it. It floods my facebook wall and instagram and everything else. 

There’s really a mixed view relating to this challenge honestly. Some say it’s a waste of clean water and some people love it so much that they do it so many times, equivalent to taking icy cold showers just outdoors and clothed.

Personally I find this a brilliant idea. I know. I’m not usually sucked into fads like this.

It is about creating awareness. Of course some people lose the idea and do it for fun. But this #hashtagging system we have in the 21st century, this tool and the key to making things viral, it helped to raise awareness faster than any health magazine could do. It saved so much money as well. (Imagine all that publication costs and the trees to kill for magazines). Who picks up a health magazine nowadays anyway??

Nobody.

Exactly. That’s why I say it’s brilliant way to spread it. People actually donate too. I wouldn’t mine doing it for the sake of making it known, even if it’s just a couple of people, like my parents and a few walled up friends. Now if you ask anyone about Lou Gehrigs/MND/ALS, they would know and it’s a plus point. The main purpose of raising awareness is being achieved, with donations in the process. 

Funny thing was it creates a sense of attention-seeking character in a person. I admit that it happened to me as well when I did it. We were suppose to upload it on Facebook as a proof we did the challenge. Some people do it for the sake of fishing for likes, likes, Facebook Likes. It’s quite a big deal to some people. 

I created my video out of procrastination and I honestly didn’t wanna face the camera talking to it. I hate these kind of things. So on the bus on the way home yesterday, the idea of how my video would be popped into my head, the creative juices were falling like a waterfall. I stripped of my winter layers straight after I touched the door of my home and I didn’t stop until my video was uploaded. I was basically on full steam and I’ve never been that driven and focussed in ages. It just happened from a lightbulb moment in the bus.

It didn’t take as long as I expected it to be but I loved the product and the whole idea of it. I produced it. It made me feel so professional. Naturally I would want my video to get some amount likes, just to console myself that somewhere along the production, I was doing something right. The “likes” happened but it stopped at a low number. I would like to say I wasn’t crushed, but bits of me deep in the inside knows I’m lying. I consoled myself that maybe overnight I would get some more, I was hoping for a hundred.

There weren’t any notifications the next day. I figured I should just leave it behind and just focussed on other stuff and telling myself.. Seriously this is such a fad, you said it yourself! Why on earth are you so worked up? Such a silly girl.

It wasn’t until I got back onto my Facebook when I realised –  My video got taken down.

What on earth okay. Even the notifications I received from last night, all the comments and everything. Wiped Out.

Now I’m not even sad it’s gone or unliked anymore, more of scared of what happened to it. Like this is such a violation of my privacy.

Who was here?
Did someone take it down?
Where did it go?

Beats me.

Anyways. I’ve uploaded it on Youtube because I reckon it’s much more reliable than Facebook since it’s getting so much heat from the media on it’s new Messenger app anyway. 

I am disappointed with myself with the way I actually felt yesterday. I understand people say it’s natural and it’s human nature that we want our stuff to be liked (which is why Facebook is so popular because of it’s like functions). Attention-seeking, no matter how great it is in a person, always exist in us. In the end of the day, God’s opinion matters more. He created me and I do matter. He believes in me and whatever I created it great in His eyes, like how what He created is amazing in mine. 

I am proud of my work and I’m sure He is too. 

Pause. I need to say Thank You.

It’s been some crazy few weeks since I came back from my holiday. Withdrawal syndromes and getting back to routine, feeling depressed and happy feels, it’s been ups and downs. I know I had a couple of posts that were pretty emo, I was emo I admit but I realized I’ve been highlighting a bit too much negative stuff. It’s really unfair to the God that has provided so much for me in the midst of all this. He does the little things to me to let me know

Hey I’m still here yoo

Anyways there’s been heaps but I’m dedicating this to the

Bucket List Prayer

Remember the bucket list post I did a couple posts back? I mentioned about going on a Mission Trip. It’s been something I wanted to go at least once in a lifetime. I wanted to do something big for God and just help and give to others in general. In my head, it was somewhere in the future maybe after university or something I might do solo or whatever. Well, the very next they at church, you wouldn’t believe it but the youth pastor came up to me and asked “Hey would you be interested in going on a Mission Trip?”

WHAT. I mean what are the odds, God has never answered a prayer with that speed before, not for something that big. Mission Trip seemed like a big thing for me. I know God can read my mind 24/7 but wooooah that quick a response is like Yo what have I been telling you.. I LIVE IN YOUR MIND. (No it’s not scary, not trying to scare anyone and I am not possessed). 

So yes I wasn’t prepared for such a fast response that suddenly fear crept in and I don’t know why. Those insecure questions came up like

Are you even ready?
You’re so insecure already in church and you want to go overseas to do whaat?
I don’t think you’re ready.. it’s too soon.. way too soon.
You’ve got to be kidding me, you can’t even speak through a mic and stand on stage.

The pastor gave me a week to think things over. To me giving me time means giving me time to think more nonsense. But God bless the birthday present I was given by my new church friend

photocred: rickhiggins

Yes it’s a book! I’m halfway through and it’s been an amazing journey so far! (I’ll do a book review once I’m done). Well God seemed to be communicating to me through Furtick the Amazebalz because during the week I read something about Fear, which was pretty much what I was going through. It was the Chatterbox the Evil that was trying to pull me back. 

Pretty much it was my Fimage ~ Fear of Image. Something I learnt at Supercamp. I was fearing everything and it was hindering me from getting my bucketlist done.

I am ready.

If God says I’m ready, I am ready.

Stuff fear.

I told the pastor today I can do it. They were still trying to convince me to go and I was like, I’m sold, I’ve been sold since midweek when I figured it out.

So yes. Stuff Fear. What a jerk. 

Let’s get this bucketlist grooovin

Seasons Change

Photo cred: Ebsqart

Yesterday in Melbourne, we experienced 4 seasons in a day. First it was gloomy in the morning, then towards the afternoon the clouds vanished and the sun shone piercing rays with the sole aim to blind eyes, at night it hailed and snowed (literally), the freeway was white and for reals… it never snows in Melbourne.

It made me reflect, on myself, my seasons, my characters. (I sound bipolar but I’m not really) I know the common saying of “People Change”, some like it, some don’t. But if we never changed, we never grew and we will never grow. We have to change at a certain point and I know for certain biologically we do, we will never be this healthy with the same enthusiasm in the future. We grow old and yes science is trying it’s very best to try and defy that but lets see how they go.

Last night I was rummaging through my 101 paper bags I had unpacked from moving houses early this year, I found the award and the only boarding house award I had in my whole stay there

Little Miss Chatterbox

I was completely shocked. I remembered but I completely forgot, it was like that season and that chunk of my life I enjoyed the most and I couldn’t believe I forgot about the award. I loved boarding school, don’t get me wrong I never forgot about it but I forgot who I really was while I was there. The bubbly chatterbox, the life of the party, the loud idiot, the one that made people laugh. 
It was the Chatterbox season.

During my preteen years, as I was transitioning from a child to teenager, there was this wave of shyness that swept across me. I was shy and I stammered in public. My piano teacher was annoyed with the fact I was so quiet. She told my mother to send me to drama classes and in group music class she would repeatedly tell me to repeat myself. 
My first time in church youth group, my friend wasn’t there, no one welcomed me and I was awkward and shy. I hid in the toilet cubicle staring at floor tiles for 2 hours.
My parents weren’t christian. I lived in a family home with a Buddhist uncle and Buddhist idols. I was going to Sunday School on Sundays because apparently it will help my character. I labelled my “Religion” columns in my forms as a “Bu-Christ” – half buddhist half christian.
It was the Insecure season.

I hit 13 and went to secondary school. Still awkward and shy in piano class, still weird corner girl in church, still “Bu-Christing”. The new school and new friends will sound like a nightmare for a girl like me. But I met Her in school. The girl who invited me to her church camp (a church I’ve never been) and ditched me (for legit reasons) in the morning of the camp. I accepted Christ in this camp. I chopped my insecurity.
In school I thrived, I was acing classes (to be honest because the kids were dummer). My confidence soared. I was smart girl and I loved it. Aced GCSEs with 10As (okay maybe I was a bit smart).
It was Smart Season.

Smart Season brought me to Chatterbox Season where I was enrolled into a boarding school filled with smarter smarts, it was there when I realized I was only smart because the others were dum because these kids here… were REALLY SMART AND HARDCORE.

One thing constant throughout all seasons. My personality at home. The chatterbox lively little girl who loved her ballet and twirled around everywhere. I knew how to throw a good tantrum, I knew how to scream, I knew how to laugh like a possessed person, I am plain crazed kid. Home season was basically a constant chatterbox season because I was myself. The Boarding House became my home, everything that was only exposed to my family slowly started to show. People didn’t really hate me about it. Being in a place where I unconsciously became myself made me happy, it made my time there enjoyable. It became my comfort zone and It became my family.

Then Uni  Life came. Moved out of Boarding school. I was suddenly stripped away from alot of my comfort friends. I had to learn how to behave in public again and relearn how to make friends and I found it tough.. very strange for a chatterboxer like me. My friends never believed me at that. My family and I had to search for churches and when my mum finally found one, I had to follow suit. It wasn’t easy and I couldn’t fit in. I found myself curling back to the seasons where I hid in the church bathrooms to avoid people. I saw myself awkward, insecure and always felt someone was judging. Something was very wrong. I failed in my academics too. To me, the Smart Season and Chatterbox Season felt like it never existed and I was spiralling into a state of total confusion.

The sudden appearance of my Boarding House award, it made me reflect on my seasons, how I’ve changed over the years in my life and who I really was. It feels as though God trying to reinforce in my head that I made you this way, you have been strong, chatterbox and smart and lively. He knows the current season I’m in is gloomy and he wants me to change it. He will change it with me and He is my partner in all things. He knows that I’ve had better seasons. He knows I can get back to it and be even better.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11