Bottle opener revelation

So just this morning I got tagged in this photo on Facebook by my cell leader based on one of our inside jokes.

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We had a girls night thing at my cell leader’s house just last friday while her husband went on a ski trip. I had my brother in the car just before as I was dropping him off at church for an event before I went to my own. He was going on about my singleness for 22 years.. just the usual banter among the siblings and I responded with “I’m a strong independant woman and I need no man..” , including all the sass and stuff. He shuts me down with the fact I can’t open a bottle by myself… true fact.

At girls night, we were having issues opening a bottle. Being GIRLS night, no boys were around and we didn’t have the muscles. But my cell leader had acquired this fantastic tool of a BOTTLE OPENER.

I was so excited I even took pictures of it.

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I CAN BE THE STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND NEED NO MAN.

Who says God does not provide for us single women?? HE DOES! Philippians 4:19 for proof.

Okay. Excitement over and we opened the bottle. Then we suddenly went around the room and of all topics (after establishing the FACT THAT WE CAN BE STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMEN WHO NEED NO MAN TO OPEN THE BOTTLE)… we talked about boys. gotta be kidding.

If you know me, I tend to love to avoid this topic like wildfire. I’ve been single my whole life, I’m talking no flings, no boy attention kinda single. Not the “I’ve never been in relationships but have had flings and 100 boys confessing to me but I’m just very picky” single.

Just a couple days before girls night I was listening to a podcast by Pastor Chad Veach from ZOE church LA, his wife said this bomb of a quote –

For you single people out there, just keep pursuing God as your number one, keep pursuing and focusing on Him that he has to run after God so hard to find you.

Talk about making the guy work for it. Damn right he better.

But come Sunday after the girls night, I got a text from one of my longest friends while at church. She wasn’t just any friend but the friend who invited me to my first church camp ever where I accepted Christ.

She wanted to do brunch, but I was at church. Something was up for sure. As suspected, she had just broken up with her boyfriend who’d came over from America, he had been a tad bit abusive. Despite feeling tired from the day, I met her up for a coffee date after church.

My friend grew up in a Christian home but as we grew older and life took us on our different paths, I could see her distance growing not just from church but from me as well. It hurt me to see her go through that, live through ways that God had wanted us to avoid. How did the friend who helped in my deliverance from all this, to get into all this??

There was a period in my life where every single one of my friends were hooking up with guys, if not getting boyfriends, they were getting pursued by 101 boys they were not even interested in. I was the friend they turned to to help draft up those “turn down” texts. (which apparently am good at it but never got the chance to use that skill in my own life LOL). Through all of that though, I developed a sense of insecurity within myself on what was it that I didn’t have which made me not have all that? It’s stupid, writing all of these now and thinking how foolish I was before to be thinking of those things. (THOSE ARE PROBLEMS GURL)

Seeing my friend in her struggles showed me the reasons why I didn’t have to feel that way.

God knew me best. He knew that inner part of me was not ready and I have so much more to work on. Regardless of what people say about readiness in a person to pursue these things, only God knows best and that is the only truth. It is not our position to question His plans but trust them.

I would’ve been a mess by now if I didn’t have God. I’d be influenced by my friends and not God because I wouldn’t have been able to handle those things properly. My studies would’ve been from failure to drop-out and I’ll be just R-E-K-T.

God provides, He thinks of us and we don’t have to worry at all. He has created innovative geniuses that helped revolutionize the way I can open a bottle, I can be that strong independent woman that need no man (for the mean time) and pursue Him so hard and fulfill the plans He has before me.

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. – Hebrews 11:6

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just that little jig you do when you love a piece of writing
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Seek help, offer help, Be the help

I did not start my morning great today. It started off with a late start, a discussion turned mini-argument with the parents on the July trip back to Malaysia, which I have unfortunately still am having trouble to wrap my head around it despite the previous blog post.

I knew staying at home wouldn’t get my assignment and work done, I had to get out of the house because of the moody environment I had created among myself and my parents. Library was the only option but the drive there made part of my “ceebs” attitude resurface. To top things off, my current spot in the Doncaster library is in between 2 separate tutoring sessions and I can hear this tutor talking about how “SACs in schools are very unfair…”.

I needed to clear my head, this frustration. The effort of coming all the way to the library can’t and shouldn’t be wasted so I decided to open emails in search of a devotion to clear my head.. “God please speak to me pleaseeeeeee…”

The story that God gave me was completely unrelated to what I was going through but nonetheless a hit in the head, which is what I needed.

Story of the crippled man lowered through the roof by others for Jesus to heal him – Mark 2

How is that related?

One can’t go to Jesus alone, we need help. We need guidance. The more hurt or injured we are, the more we need to accept the help offered to us to reach Jesus.. to reach for healing. Vice versa, the more injured the other person is, the more help you have to offer to them.

We can’t do this alone.

I loved doing things alone. Still do sometimes…in fact my whole solo trip to the library was to escape everything to be alone.. guilty.

Crippled man couldn’t do it alone if it wasn’t for the 4 men who made the effort to lower him through the roof… all that effort. If he had so much pride and the men had less compassion, none of it would have happened and no healing can take place.

Too much of today’s mentality of I can do what I want. My own way. Myself has been taken too seriously. I’m not saying it’s bad, I think it’s inspirational but only to a certain extent. If we are hurting to a certain point till we can’t help ourselves anymore, it’s okay to reach out for that help, for that love that others are willing to offer you.

We need to know when to draw the line and honestly see beyond what we can do. There is a reason we humans have been built with the emotional conscience that can throw us out of whack. It needs the feed of help when we can’t do it ourselves.

Please do yourself a favour. Whatever it is,  wherever you are, whoever you maybe… get help or offer the help needed.

I certainly need help myself. Always have, had and do. There were times I left it too late but Thank God for constant reminders and merciful rescues even at the last minute.

p/s: I sent an apology text to my parents before this post in case you were wondering. I tend to wanna mend the tension I have straight after I’ve reached sanity. Reduced that mountain of potential anger and hurt.

Reference: Proverbs31 Ministries

 

Asians in Media

This video.

A friend of mine in the UK who’s incredibly passionate about film shared it on Facebook a couple of days ago and I’m so glad she did. Everything in this video speaks volumes of the culture we live in cough cough Hollywood.

It’s no doubt that Hollywood shapes the culture we live in, it’s a global thing, everything that stems from there can be viewed in almost everypart of the world (maybe China can be an exception). The message it sends with this whole culture replacement thing is just plain degrading to one of the largest demographic and market to its industry in the world – Asians.

Since a young age growing watching all the mainstream pop culture shows, I always knew there was a lack of Asian representation on TV. Brenda Song was like my idol growing up and pretty much the only Asian in the whole of Disney at the time. In fact right now, I don’t know if there even is one? When Wendy Wu came out  I freaking flipped out.

Because we were so scarce on TV, I always had a thought at the back of my mind on wanting to join the media world, represent my culture with pride (just that my personality doesn’t match… I’m too shy). I did give it a go in school by joining drama but failed because I’m such a major introvert and having an audience scares me.

Some of the best acting in my highschool were done by Asians, but they didn’t carve the Hollywood career for themselves, they became doctors and lawyers.

There’s still a stigmatism and tradition in many Asian families that is hard to break. However, there are some out there whom are willing to let their children break out of that Asian mould of choosing just a steady stable career. That’s been steadily growing (my bestfriend’s cousin is doing well).

We’re out there now, there’s more of us. Pick us and give us roles. Give us a space to share.

Shout out to my bestfriend’s cousin who is a lead on the Nickolodean Show Make It Pop. You rock it Erika (girl in long hair) and do us proud!

Here’s a shamelss promo of that show. (All 3 Asian leads!) Disney… It’s time to step up your game.

A United Stand

It hurts to know what happened on Nov 13th. It makes people angry, especially to those where Paris and the French people hold a special place in their hearts. Discovering the motives of these horrendous actions just fuels more anger, hurt and sadness, which the media is doing an extremely good job on their part.

My cousins are French, born Parisians and raised Aussies. But they are stil French and it’s thick in their blood. Their grandparents live in Paris and they are the sweetest, I’ve met both Mami and Papi personally and their tante is an absolute gem. So yes, Paris and the people have a close place in my heart and it definitely shook our family. My aunt came over to our house the next day with the worry of not being able to get in contact with her in-laws who live on the fringe of Paris, it was devastating (we later found out they’re alright).

Seeing the support Paris is getting does warms my heart, it truly does. I woke up this morning to my Facebook feed with an influx of friends changing their display pictures to the French flag filters. Every single social media platform I was logging on had their logos switched to the French flag. My instagram was streaming in with photos of the Tour Eiffel as a peace sign of the Tour itself.Screen Shot 2015-11-15 at 6.34.58 PM

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My aunt and cousins had the filters on and it was natural that they did.  I was about to do the same, I wanted to stand in solidarity with the French people, but then something held me back.

#prayforparis

Paris isn’t the only city hurting.

Japan just experienced a devastating earthquake.

A suicide bombing attack just occurred in Beirut, killing and wounding over 200 people.

Baghdad experienced suicide bombings as well…

I don’t see Facebook doing any filters for them.

The Syria and Palestine war has been ongoing for months, the refugee crisis was all over the news. Shooting and bombings were a daily catastrophe and traumatizing event for the people. It is terrorizing, mentally and physically. It has become the norm for some of these children.

France is full on social media savvy compared to the other side of the world. Their sudden peace and comfort definitely shook their world and their people took the social media by storm, alerting others across the world with the exact same privileges.

The Syrians and middle-eastern people don’t have that privilege. Their cries of help have been going on for months, people see them as pests as they stream into Europe for refuge. Facebook hasn’t give them a “filter” for support over the past few months. #prayforsyria wasn’t trending.

Like I said, I love France and it holds a special place in my heart. But I don’t want to just ONLY stand for Paris and #prayforparis. As God’s people we should show a united front, we should show solidarity for the world, for the other innocent people hurting. Paris needs our prayers BUT so does others.

It hurts my heart that even through this difficult time, people are choosing sides on who to pray for, casting out Muslims and throwing shade at others. The real enemy rejoices when he sees this because that is what he wants, he wants to see the brokenness in people and he thrives in seeing all the hurt and anger, he stirs more trouble by killing more.

We can’t pick sides. It is time, we as humanity, to set aside our differences and stand together and pray for everyone and open our eyes, look out for other brothers and sisters in countries that are in permanent suffering. We shouldn’t let one major event open our eyes and shun the other ongoing problems.

The media plays a huge role in this no doubt. It is undeniably one of the most powerful tool in the 21st century, it can make or break people, it can make or break the world.

We are part of the media. We all own a social media account. We take charge of what we post and share. We CAN make or break the world. We have the tool to change it. Use it.

Here’s one of my favourite songs from the Legend himself, because.. We are the World that God has blessed us with.

Mercies in Disguise

Before I begin, I’d like to apologize for the lack of presence for the past few weeks… teehee

Yes. It has been a crazy amount of weeks and I’m not gonna lie about my faith, emotions and all that nonsense being tested… because they were… tested. Crazy floods of doubts and fears and speculation kept swarming my brain and I kid you not, there were times in my room while I was by myself… I don’t really know what my position in life was anymore.

It’s crazy to think that I could even end up in that position. Seeing as I had lined up such an amazing plan for myself, had such crazy amazing experiences last year (which I thought would help me be prepared for a great 2015), daaaaang I was pretty wrong and had such high hopes.

Okay before I make everything sound so depressing, there were some things really helped open my eyes about what I really am and what I’ve been exposed to, really threw me into some deep thinking for a while. But yes, I shall detail some of these crazy things that has been buried in my cerebral cortex for a while..

  1. The GPA isn’t high enough

    I think this was like the start of my downward spirals, discovering the importance of my GPA a bit too late one night and the reality dawned on me that my dreams of being a dentist may not be achieved and I was dum enough to pick a course that unrealistically couldn’t get me there. It was just a random night where I was googling about my postgrad education application, the fact that my GPA wasn’t even their bare minimum made my tear ducts wanna pop and my heart explode with anguish. I spent days just beating myself up about all the stupid decisions I’ve made as a first year uni student and probably as a high school student as well, I was in that chair of regret for at least a week. I should also mention the fact I was living alone that whole time so my emotions were most definitely out of control and I locked myself up in the most introverted way possible (didn’t help).

  2. Leaving Melbourne
    I was born here, but I wasn’t bred here. But it has been my home for the past 6 years of my life and I have finally blended into my birth country, with great energy. I can’t emphasise enough on the fact that it takes an immense amount of effort for an introvert to fit in, from experience. When I presented the fact about my GPA to my parents, it dawned to me that if I were still keen on my dreams, I will have to leave Melbourne to pursue and maybe even leave Australia itself. I spent a good several weeks (and still am) questioning myself, Do you still want to be a dentist? I seriously don’t want to leave mainly because I have grown so accustomed to everything and honestly can’t be bothered setting up a brand new life again.
  3. Career switching?
    It was something I have always visioned myself doing, being a dentist. Really. Friends who have known me the longest can’t imagine me being something else either because it was something I’ve always ranted about. When I proposed my plan of career switching to my parents, they weren’t quite accepting about it. You must be thinking… they want you to be a dentist, not you. But no. I myself can’t really vision myself being anything else. Mum believes my sense of dejectment was due to the fact I ran out of energy to run this race God gave me. I believe there was some truth in it. I’ve been running this race (to be a dentist) for so long, is it really worth giving it up now? Or will there be another calling? which i don’t know… Am I suppose to bum around while I wait? I’ve decided that I should just continue sticking to this..
  4. Guy friends
    I guess this is the good part. Growing up, I only had girl friends as my closest hangout buddies, (girls school didn’t help much either). I can now say I’ve finally been out on a meal with a guy for the first time at the ripe old age of 20 (wasn’t a date). My closest friends can testify that I don’t text guys and if I talked to guys, they were pretty much surface talk. Legit.
    This summer semester somehow, I was placed in an assignment group where I was the only girl. Can honestly say I was pissed and freaking out in the inside. I was equally as pissed at my group mates because their working style was not what I was comfortable with. But then how weird, when I was asked to lunch by one of them after our tute. The others has pretty much disappeared after out assignment and he was the only one in my tute I talked to, for the first time I got to hung out with a guy one on one without awkwardness (I did before but it  was so awkward). I struck a friendship with him and another guy in my group that I never expected. The topics I got to converse with these guys were actually intellectually stimulating, wasn’t the typical girl-boy flirt stuff a lot of my friends love to do (and I hate) that I always witness and squirm at. The politics and global issues… man it was so far-fetched than the usual gossips of my closest friends. Not that I hated it or them, but it was refreshing to talk about things other than ourselves. These guys were of different faiths (Muslim) and I also got such a deeper insight to another religion I was familiar yet not, I realised that Abrhamiam religions have a lot more in common than we believed it to be (should honestly stop fighting each other).

Well all these happened the past few weeks during my summer semester. I’m currently back on the daily grind of the new semester, new challenges and struggles have already been spouting at my face when I’ve yet to resolve the ones before. I’ll briefly mention that they have to do with my church commitments which I have promised people I’ll commit to but finding it hard to juggle with the new schedule I’m having.

God is this really what you want? and Why are you putting me in this position? have been my new daily chants and desperations. I have yet to get answers for these questions and it puts me in great stress as well because I have to give answers to the other human beings around me when God has yet to give me an answer.

No I don’t get booming voices in my head like most people do. But one thing I know for sure.. At least that part is answered, from Laura Story’s song

“all these trials of this life, could be His mercies in disguise…”

I get my inspiration from my bus ride iPod sessions.

Personality Tests. Introversion. Bubbles.

“Yeah it was a good thing you went up there to talk, it brought you out of your shell for a bit.”

My shell

My shell… or bubble?

I got this comment which was meant to be a compliment for an introvert after I did a public testimony on my faith. That was one rare occasion I am not sure if I will be repeating again anytime soon. To be honest I don’t know what is my shell. The world, the society, everything tried to define a person within boxes. Recently I’ve been thrown at with a lot of personality tests, which resulted in this.INFP

16personalities.com gives you like a detailed description of your life, how it will turn out and if you don’t know how to run your life, they’d tell you how to too. They predict your married life and your careers… woah like whut? I’ll have to admit, reading my profile they gave me about being an INFP, it was pretty accurate.

Yes, I am reserved and private.
Yes, I day-dreamed lots.
Yes, I love writing… but I wouldn’t say I’m poetic.
Yes, I love my feelings and instinct, I’m pretty much a whishy-washy person. People hate me so much for this.

But hey… that’s what they say. As I continued reading about “myself”, I kept having moments of AHAHA that is SO MEEE! I even shared the link with all my friends saying it’s like the “best test ever!” and that everyone should give it a go to “discover themselves” seriously I was acting like such a bimbo

Then my close friend texted me.
” Are you sure that’s you? YOU’RE AN INTROVERT? wait hold on a minute, YOU ARE NOT. Oh, are you sure you’re this and that?”

It made me reflect on my life.

The test said I was the most introverted among my friends, the friends I lived with in boarding school. The friends whom I annoyed banging on doors and them doing vice-versa back on me. They lived with me. They’ve seen me running through the corridors like a mad woman and climbing the gates and defying rules like a monkey. My primary school friends have witnessed my racing games with teachers trying to hunt me down to cane me. That is not an introverted kid. That is a mad girl that needs to be held down and disciplined straight up on how to be a lady. My mum believes, to this day, I can’t find a husband if I continued this way.

The test said I was a feeler. Yes I am. I get affected now and then when my emotions run mad with my family issues and home situations, I find it hard to concentrate, to focus. Then again, ADHD is genetic and it runs in my family. I secretly believe I am mildly one which is the cause of my hyperactivity as well as strayed mind. If I was really that much of a feeler and let my emotions run me..

  • I wouldn’t have survived depression alone in the boarding house. But I did. No one knew I had it. I controlled it really hard, I exercised how to control my emotions so well during that period of time. I made sure I cried myself to sleep past midnight, when no one would enter my room. I made sure none of my friends or family found out. There were obvious changes in myself but I stayed strong, inside I was dying so badly and I felt like life was not worth living anymore, yet on the outside my mad woman trait was still existing, to keep me strong. I made sure it was secret. The only person I couldn’t run away from was God, He brought me out of that ditch. Sometimes you can’t hide everything.
  • I probably would’ve had a boyfriend. But I told myself to not let my feelings run. I was a student, still am a student. I have priorities and I ain’t got time. God has to be my centre and my studies next. I had so much to do in my life and I do not want another person to ruin it, not yet.. not now. I know in my previous post I mentioned about lack of boys, that plays a part in too but I never got desperate despite my friends coupling up everywhere. I don’t think it is just an INFP thing to be affected about this. Yet as an INFP, I controlled this emotion better than anyone I knew who wasn’t what I am. A desperate girl who lets her feelings run her can jump on anyone and get herself in a stupid relationship, I didn’t.
  • I was a prefect in highschool. Yes, a prefect. Those kids with fancy uniforms who police you around and everyone hates them because they think they’re boss. We are.. lol. I don’t know how one can be a prefect if they weren’t stern, the number of kids that can run over your head, it can drive you mad. Feelings certainly can’t drive you. As a leader, you had to be systematic to get things done, which I’m pretty sure I was because I had to get stuff done… if my memory is still good. To be completely honest, I didn’t know how I got chosen. A mad kid like me who gets canned heaps in primary school. Still unbelievable.

In the end of the day, who defines you? Who are you going to let in to tell you how you are suppose to live?

Yes I agree that I do relate to those traits. I believe despite that extreme description of my monkey self, I’m an introvert inside out. But I am not an ordinary introvert.

People illustrate introverts as people in their little bubbles. We create and rejuvenate our energy from within our bubbles alone, unlike extroverts who absorb this energy from other people. We are portrayed as this solemn kid sitting in the corner of our bubble trying to “get out energy”. 

I am not that.

I love my bubble. LOVE IT. My bubble is my life. My bubble is just God and I, me and God. We get energy together, we are a team, that’s how I’ve been surviving. BUT, I don’t cower in the conner like a sad kid in the bubble being sad and all that nonsense. Seriously that is not how I work and probably I hope I speak for others.

In my bubble, I jump like a mad dog. By my self.  That’s right, in true introversion fashion. I get my energy by myself, but I am mad as. I release all that hyperactivity and energy I have been containing and holding in and release them everywhere in my bubble when I am alone. I can do the freaking hakka okay

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Just like how introverts are described, we do let people in our bubble, but only a few. That is when my close friends and family come in. They have seen me in my bubble. They know I am mad. They are the only ones who know my madness because I let them into my bubble.

Of course, there are times I kick them out of the bubble, if they were permanently in there, I wouldn’t like it and that wouldn’t make me an introvert anyway. People outside my bubble, they see me as this serene kid, no nonsense and the perfect description of an INFP. They weren’t my comfort people and I’m sure as not going to let them in to see my cray cray self, no one would want to be my friend. That’s when my reserved characteristic comes in, I do observe the people around me, I will make sure I know you well enough to let you in to this crazy turbulent (as described) world that possesses me.

I did the exact same test as part of my mission trip training that I will taking at the end of the year to the Philippines. My pastor wanted to get to know his team a little better. My results popped up INFP again. He agreed fully as I read the descriptions of myself to the rest of the team (we had to “get to know each other”): quiet, contained, private, reserved. Pure stereotypical introversion style. I guess in a way I have set of a pace and style to the team to not tick me off and stay away from my bubble.

It is quite the privilege… to have the key into an introvert’s bubble. I also believe there is no set amount of people that can be in the bubble. To enter the bubble you will have to have a key, but you disrespect the times you are allowed or not allowed into the bubble, your key gets confiscated. As I socialise more, more people will get this key to my bubble. Sometimes I give it a little to early, sometimes it takes me ages to give it out. It is so rare to find people who respect the bubble space, but so far my pickiness on bubble keys have been successful, I’ve never really confiscated much bubble keys before hahaha

Trust me. You would want to be in my bubble.

WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A BALL IN MY BIG BOUNCY INFLATABLE BIG BUBBLE BALLIE like whooo! Because I BOUNCE.

ignore that

Personality tests are not 100%. It may help give you an idea of a person but it doesn’t define them. You don’t get to know a person by just reading their online profile, that’s just as stupid as 9 + 10 = 21. Talk to them, socialise and actually take the effort to spend time and get to know them. You can’t just pop into an introvert’s bubble, you earn it. Well, some people work less harder than others. It would be honestly such an insult to God and His creation if he only made 16 personalities. Really?? What happened to His infinite potential?

God created me as I am. I am happy as I am. I am created to have problems too but I am engineered to lean on Him to get advice, lean on Him for strength.

God is my bubble.

Mid Sems. Mid Sems. Tests. Tests. Stress. Stress.

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Its that time of the semester, where lecturers dump information on you and expect you to recall all 6 weeks worth of information within an hour.

It’s that time of the semester, where all the energy you have put into the first 6 weeks of university is starting to drain away.

It’s that time of the semester, where 6 weeks of constant routine is starting to get to you and you find stuff to distract yourself away from that constant drain.

It’s that time of the semester , where you try to find a new inspiration and motivation to help you carry on for the next 6-7 weeks of continuous drain, but obviously finding nothing but unproductive distraction.

It’s that time of the semester, where you seriously feel like giving up, you don’t know what you’re doing and wondering if all this effort is going to be worth it after.

It’s that time of the semester, where you do unnecessary reflection on your life when you seriously can’t afford to do so because of all the upcoming mid-sem tests.

It’s that time of the semester, where you start planning all the exciting activities you want to do after the semester ends, you taste the freedom, it’s so near yet so far.

It’s this time of the semester.

It’s this time of the semester I really need to pull my focus back to God, to help me pull my focus back on everything, the goal and the aim and to not stray very far away and repeat the same mistake.