There are times in my life, especially after a big fight with my brother, when I look at my disheveled self and say “I’m a terrible sister”.
Yesterday was one of those times.
Fighting with my brother takes an emotional toll on me, I get mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Some people say it’s better to fight between siblings than no interaction at all, what is a relationship when there are no disagreements?
It won’t be the last time I’ll be fighting with my brother (though I wish it will be all the time), we will makeup but something always pops up and the disagreements begin again. No one is happy, tears and yelling pursue, banging of doors and eventually retreating into our rooms. After a period of time, the better sibling will retract from hiding and apologize, all is good again.
It’s an exhausting cycle. It’s hard to avoid. Sometimes it even makes me question “Why God? You give me a sibling… but why is he like that?” There’s always a push and pull blame between my brother and I and it’s sickening to throw it around and see who’s right. I don’t think a single sibling in this world has never asked this question.
As an older sibling, I take it upon myself that he is my responsibility when my parents are away. I resume the role of my mother and be that ‘over-bearing parent’ by stalking his activities and his school work, a role I tend to normally despise. Sometimes I go so deep into it to realize and by the time I do, it’s too late to retract my actions. I will be consumed with regret and question the type of parent I will become in the future.
My brother is the baby of the family, we can’t deny that the whole family just loves him unconditionally and we just show it in the wrong ways, I don’t know if he sees that. During our fights, profanities tend to get thrown around and I get so emotionally wrecked up I will cry, occasionally even an anxiety/panic attack for no reason. Boys be boys, my brother doesn’t understand the emotional wreck a girl can go through (especially on her period), things don’t get better and according to my mother, I make things worse.
In the midst of my break down yesterday, I could feel the hole in my heart just eating in and my head was expanding in pulsing motions. Everything felt like it was sinking, it felt like I was that helpless passenger in the Titanic who could no longer be saved. Just as everything was about to grow darker, I cried out in my last defense for survival, “If only you were here right now Jesus, if only You were… I really want a hug right now I can’t stand it.”
I was in the kitchen at the time, the living room just across me where we have an L-shaped sofa. Just then, after that cry, I felt a beckoning to the far corner of “L” sofa. It felt like an invisible person, a force, was pulling me there and patting the side of it and asking me to take a seat. I slowly walk to words the seat and as I sat down, I felt a rushing wave… someone just pulled me out of the water and sinking ship I was in.
I felt God’s love for me. I was not alone.
That rushing wave of Jesus’ love and I knew it was His. That knowing fact that He was there and I am not going through this alone.
First time ever did I get such a physical and emotional experience such as this, words cannot describe the immediate relief and comfort that I felt with that knowing He is there with me in this walk and I wasn’t alone.
I’m not perfect. God knows it. I need Him and He knows it.
Trial and trial again and no matter how undeserving I am, He pulls me out of the water.
I can swim through this storm, I can swim through this giant wave with Christ strength in me.
I may not be the perfect sister, but I can strive to be the best I can with Jesus with me in this walk of faith.
Maowen, I’ll be there for you. I know there are times where I fail to be the sister you wish I could be but I promise no matter what, I’ll still be your sister and with Jesus we can pull through this together. I’m human and I can fail, but God won’t. He will pull you through times when any of us fail you, know that He is there and He loves you and you’re His child. You are my only brother and I’ll do the best I can to be that sister despite all the shortcomings and trials we have between us. We can pull through.