In Secret

Just a little background music of my current fav worship song while you read

As you know.. I’ve been fasting. And struggling… with fasting.

Fasting is suppose to come with prayer. Which I admit, was only consistent for only the first 3 days. Then the hunger started to kick in and each time it did, I get edgy and moody and tend to sleep earlier or more. My tolerance level went lower for everything and my mood for studying just went down. My brother thinks I’m crazy to pick the exam period as a time of fasting, so does my dad.. and maybe you.

I’ve been avoiding meet ups with friends at night as they come with food. I know we’re suppose to fast in silence and keep in a secret as God is the only one who is supposed to know, but I didn’t want my friends to think I was starving so I told them anyway, on Day 2. Thankfully… somehow, either they have memory issues or it was meant to be, they forgot that I was fasting again and they were offering me popcorn during movie night the very next day. That was the last time I was out at night. No more.

Sunday came, I was off-duty for kids church due to my exams (such a kind boss). I honestly had this temptation to wag church since I didn’t need to be there anyway (for duty calls). But something didn’t seem right if I skipped, which was obviously due to the fasting, so I went anyway.

The message was “Don’t Stop Rowing“, by one of our church elders. Telling us the importance of spending alone time with God and I quote..

Jesus spends some time alone with God and so must I

He emphasised alone. I thought to myself, that’s easy… I love being alone and I always and love praying alone anyway. He was telling us basically that prayer meets and groups were not enough. I subconsciously thought this was something aimed towards the more extroverted part of the congregation.

I went home. Next minute for devotions… I got the same message on ODJ about Saving SolitudeCoincidence much?

I felt like it should be something to blog about. But morning came and I got distracted with stuff and went shopping with mum and lunch with my friend. I decided to scroll on Instagram and then…

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WHO’S WATCHING | How many times have we given to the needy or practiced a random act of kindness without status updating it on Facebook? How often do we sit alone at church and spend time with God, secretly hoping that your pastor walks in and sees you? Could it be that we don’t believe that God is watching when we give to the needy and that He isn’t listening when we pray hence seeking the validation of man for our good deeds? When Jesus teaches us how to pray, the first thing He mentions is to go into our rooms and shut the door. It’s not easy to sit in an empty room and pray if you don’t believe that God is present and listening. However if we truly do believe that He is, we wouldn’t feel the need for our prayer times to be noticed by people for we are only robbing ourselves of God’s reward, far greater than the reward of man. Pray in secret and receive God’s reward in full today. #sundaysermon #heartbeatchurch #matthew6vs6 #dailydevotions #oneonetime

A photo posted by Sonia Lee (@thesonilee) on Nov 1, 2015 at 10:29pm PST

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Okay…

God is definitely trying to tell me something.

Yes I do pray alone. Very good at that and I absolutely suck at group prayer. But..

I’m not praying enough

At this moment of fasting, I should be praying more than I should be. I was fasting and praying for a purpose, I should be consistent. My physical hunger should also represent my spiritual hunger and be filled by the spirit. I shouldn’t be venting on others and blaming my moods on hunger, it’s like a direct blame towards God. When clearly… me.

I know if you’re a non-believer you must believe I’m crazy as. This girl must be fasting as a disguise for dieting. I do admit though, I stepped on the scales and it did drop in the first few days but it’s climbing back up again (honestly no idea why). I shouldn’t be focussed on the scales and it was never my intention in the first place, my intention was to find my purpose in life. Which I have yet to find.

God will satisfy this hunger I have. He will lead me and guide me. Jesus did it for 40 days. I am a daughter of Christ and with Him by my side, I can too.

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