I’m not really big on country music but I love Carrie Underwood. It was this very song that made me love her. I had it on my old iPod before it crashed and my iTunes library got lost last year and I had to redownload all my music again, this song got lost in the process.
Being the freebie sucker I am… I was browsing OzBargain when procrastinating from studying the test which I just did (which I really hope I pass with God’s grace), I found a deal on GooglePlay where Carrie Underwood’s album was up for free. I’m a Mac user, so honestly if I ever saw GooglePlay I don’t bat an eyelid but “Carrie Underwood” caught my eye. I opened and lo and behold… I found the song. I downloaded it and synced it to my iPod straightaway.
I listened to the song on the bus ride home. All the feels.
Really. Hits you right in the feels, especially if you’re going through uncertain times… like I am. To suddenly plop a free Carrie Underwood in my hands, with a song like this… not coincidental.
I’m swapping uni courses. Possibly universities. I don’t know which or what but I know for sure I’m not happy where I am. I used to think being in Australia’s top university, I was set for life. I’m far from set right now, to be honest, I don’t know where I am or heading to.
My standard of failure before uni life was passing. Now my passes aren’t even reachable, my fails were actual fails and every time I had to do and exam or submit an assignment, I feel the anxiety creep in. 12 years of schooling and education, I’ve never felt that way before, exams actually got me excited (no joke). I feel happy completing an exam or test and I actually have the mood to celebrate.
Now a days, pre-exam and post-exam feelings are equally as depressing. When I tell people where and what I’m studying, they tell me I’m a smart kid. Yea I was probably smart enough to get in, but now I’m not even smart enough to stay in it. Being in this course actually makes me feel like a failure, and its a feeling I’ve been having for the past 2 years. I’m sick of it.
I came from a school where the course and the name of your institution matters. I came from a social circle where the type of course you’re sets your future. It is such a set, traditional mindset. I’ve tried my best to cut the fit but clearly it is not working.
Last month, I reopened VTAC for the first time since Year 12. Old Year 12 memories and the voices of my high school teachers swarmed my memories, “Your parents paid so much money to send you to this school not to end up in Deakin or Latrobe.” (I always hated that teacher to be honest, she hated me too) It really influenced a lot of the decisions my peers and I made, half my friends ended up in the same uni, I honestly felt like I didn’t leave high school.
If I ended up in Monash or Melbourne Uni again, I’ll be seeing a lot my peers from my old school. With that classic advice from my old high school teachers, 50% of the girls from my cohort ended up in those 2 universities, 30% overseas, 20% rebels.
I need a new start.
I want to start a new leaf.
I don’t know what course I’m doing yet
But Jesus take the Wheel, Take me from this road I’m on.
I don’t know what I want. But I know He knows, I know He will make me happy. If He chooses for me, I’ll be happy. For the first time in my life, I’m not setting my own future, I’m letting God decide.
I’ll wait till January 2016 to find out.