The end

“Begin with the end in mind”

It was part of the 7 habits in life which Stephen Covey, my dad’s all time favourite mentor, wrote about. My dad lives by it and he tried to drill those habits into us since a very young age (which is pretty hard for a child to apply). I remembered receiving the 7 habits book as a teen as a gift from my dad, as it was the age I could “start understanding adult books” and learn about life. The 7 habits were like our 10 commandments our family lived by and it was something I had close to my heart. Stephen Covey was literally my childhood (strangely).

I had the end in my mind. I knew what I wanted to be from a young age, I always had something to fill in the “career ambitions” form in school every year unlike many of my confused friends. My parents had brought me up to be a realistic child, to have a realistic future with a stable income. I chose the most realistic thing for me I had growing up, a dentist. It was my dad’s occupation.

I looked up to him, the way he managed his life and his family. Everything seems realistic and we were a happy family, I religiously filled in “dentist” every year at school and told everyone my ambition. I received nothing but praise and how that it was a good ambition to aspire to be like my father. I would even have a secure job in the future. I had the end in mind, as young as 12.

I did everything I could to secure my self to get to that end in mind. I felt like the most focussed and confident student out of all my friends, who were still busy figuring out what they wanted for their careers, some of them even admired the fact that I knew what I wanted such early on.

I had the end in mind. But I wasn’t told, that it could be stuffed up.

Getting myself into one of the top universities in Australia, I felt like I was on the roll. I was getting there and I was chugging to the finish line. Soon I’ll finish my science degree and get into dental grad school..I’ll be set and done, accomplished.

I was so wrong.

I got the subtle hints that it wasn’t going to work out last year. The failing grades in my cores and the unexpected acing of subjects not related to my major, such as law. But the people surrounding me told me that I shouldn’t give up, I was so close to the finish line after all. This was just a hurdle and it would pass, everyday I told myself that I could get through this with God by my side. The second semester went by perfectly, suddenly everything seemed back on track and the blurry vision of dentistry started to come back into light. I felt this sudden gleam of hope and that God answered my prayers.

Until last week.

This was the semester I had worked the hardest. I was repeating the subject I failed and I was hoping to ace it. On my 21st birthday, I decided to log on to the result portal hoping for some luck.

I failed.

Again

I saw my dreams and hopes shatter right before my eyes. My heart sank so low that I didn’t think it was possible to pick it up. It wasn’t something my 12 year old self envisioned it to be. I had the sudden urge to cancel the 21st party that my parents had actually planned for me (apparently for a year), my frame of mind.. my whole body… couldn’t take the news. My life had just met the worst car crash of all time. Never have I envisioned myself  being 21, a failure in books and single in life.

I couldn’t understand. I did all the steps. I had the end in mind. I was suppose to graduate at 21, go to grad school by 22. I’ve put the work in, in fact more during this semester to pull my grades up higher. I thought sailing through the last semester was a sign from God that I’m still on the right track.

I felt like getting myself together for the party the most difficult thing to do. Everyone wished me a great day and for all my dreams to come true and there I was outrightly lying about my “great” day. (I did managed to tell some of the people close to me about my horrendous results though)

As the whole 21st hiatus has currently died off, I managed to get myself  into a space today to decide what to do with myself. My life track has met an accident and smashed into smitherins, I don’t know where I’m going and there feels like no end. I had never heard of Carl Lentz before besides his occasional appearances on Justin Bieber’s instagrams but for some reason I decided to click on one of his Youtube videos.

It hit me.

Maybe God wants to change my course… of life. It nerve-wrecking. It’s crazy. It’s so hard to accept thought deep down currently I know it’s the truth. I have been so focused on this ideal end in mind I had set up for myself from when I was younger. I felt like it was a reputation to upkeep. The sudden shift in course is turning my life upside down.

I am struggling. I know it deep down.

But I have to trust God. I know I don’t understand… I still don’t. But I have to continue to build that trust.

Trust in knowing that God will bring me to that ideal end.

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