Weak knees

There’s this saying and belief where people say, “When you go weak in the knees, it’s love”.

Well I felt love today. The love of God, the love of Jesus.

“Dear God I pray for this girl oh Lord, I pray that You will take away her fear, take away all that doubts and fill her with confidence Lord, let her be confident.”

I’ve never met this lady in my life, yet she was praying about the one of my greatest struggles – confidence. Just in the morning I was telling a friend that I was still struggling with it. It has been and still is, one of my greatest weaknesses and it kills me everytime.

I seriously don’t know this woman. I’ve never laid my eyes on her until today.

It was after today’s prayer conference hosted by my church, conducted by a guest pastor from Kenya, who is by the way incredible amazeballs. Like true charismatic/pentocostal fashion, they would have this altar call calling people to the front to be “filled by the Spirit”. This time they specifically called out the young people and my parents shoved me out of my seat. I insisted I was old, I’ve never felt the desire to feel so old until then, but age could not deny me and I went out anyway.

This isn’t the first type of altar call I’ve witnessed. I’ve been to a few conferences with similar situations but I’ve always been the observer… always. I would see these people falling down, shaking, vibrating and of course… speaking in tongues. (these things happen when you get filled by the Holy Spirit, it’s meant to be normal).I feel scared seeing these people getting possessed and screaming and shaking and falling everywhere. I’ve only been exposed to these type of experiences in my later christian life and I’m still getting used and trying to get my head around it.

Elders were roaming around the young people, slapping their palms on our heads, stomachs and any body part they could reach. The next things I knew, some girl fell in front of me, she was shaking pretty heavily then fell to the ground still. No, she did not die. This is the first time I’ve seen someone fall in this church. Elders started covering her in blankets, I don’t know why but my parents think it’s to prevent further shivering from the chill, seriously… it wasn’t cold.

Then the lady came, popped out of no where like those creepy kids you hate from pranking. She laid a hand on my stomach and on my back. She said that prayer and as she prayed, she swayed me back and forth. I seriously felt like she wanted me to fall.

At first it was her, then suddenly my knees grew weak. No it wasn’t cold, No it’s not from post-ACL surgery trauma because it’ll be 2 years late. As it grew weak, it started to shake. I bobbed up and down. I could sense people around me, I open my eyes slightly and I saw someone with a blanket on the ready. Oh no… they are waiting for me to fall. No! Not in front of all these people.

Thinking about it now, it’s ironic how she was praying for me to not be scared and I was still afraid to fall. I admit, I could’ve fell. My knees were weak, not the familiar weak from the days after my surgery, it was a different kind of weak and I knew it. Yet I managed to stay upright after it all. I guess the elders gave up and grabbed their blankets away.

After it all, I was frustrated with myself that I did not let myself fall. I was still consciously making myself try to stand despite feeling weak in the knees and swaying about like a scarecrow. Yet I was curious about my knees. On the way home in the car, I could still feel the post-shake feel in the knees.

Then it hit me. What I felt was God’s love. No it wasn’t because I thought of the saying suddenly. I was overwhelmed by a certain feeling at the time and I knew it was supernatural and I knew it was God. It was just that through all the observation I had through my experiences, I felt that it would be in a certain way.

Just because people fell, doesn’t mean I should.
Just because people cried, doesn’t mean I should.
Just because people yell and scream, doesn’t mean I should.

If I did because everyone was doing it, it’s not me. It would merely and imitation, a gesture to fit in. Believe it or not, I do believe there are people out there who follow along because they believe that is the right way and the only way to experience God.

This is my own personal belief. I do believe we experience the Holy Spirit/God differently.

I felt God’s love, it was more than good enough for me. The fact He could send a random stranger to pray about something I was struggling with,  my self-confidence. That was love. He was showing me that He cared and it would be something that I will eventually overcome with His help.

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