Yesterday in Melbourne, we experienced 4 seasons in a day. First it was gloomy in the morning, then towards the afternoon the clouds vanished and the sun shone piercing rays with the sole aim to blind eyes, at night it hailed and snowed (literally), the freeway was white and for reals… it never snows in Melbourne.
It made me reflect, on myself, my seasons, my characters. (I sound bipolar but I’m not really) I know the common saying of “People Change”, some like it, some don’t. But if we never changed, we never grew and we will never grow. We have to change at a certain point and I know for certain biologically we do, we will never be this healthy with the same enthusiasm in the future. We grow old and yes science is trying it’s very best to try and defy that but lets see how they go.
Last night I was rummaging through my 101 paper bags I had unpacked from moving houses early this year, I found the award and the only boarding house award I had in my whole stay there
Little Miss Chatterbox
I was completely shocked. I remembered but I completely forgot, it was like that season and that chunk of my life I enjoyed the most and I couldn’t believe I forgot about the award. I loved boarding school, don’t get me wrong I never forgot about it but I forgot who I really was while I was there. The bubbly chatterbox, the life of the party, the loud idiot, the one that made people laugh.
It was the Chatterbox season.
During my preteen years, as I was transitioning from a child to teenager, there was this wave of shyness that swept across me. I was shy and I stammered in public. My piano teacher was annoyed with the fact I was so quiet. She told my mother to send me to drama classes and in group music class she would repeatedly tell me to repeat myself.
My first time in church youth group, my friend wasn’t there, no one welcomed me and I was awkward and shy. I hid in the toilet cubicle staring at floor tiles for 2 hours.
My parents weren’t christian. I lived in a family home with a Buddhist uncle and Buddhist idols. I was going to Sunday School on Sundays because apparently it will help my character. I labelled my “Religion” columns in my forms as a “Bu-Christ” – half buddhist half christian.
It was the Insecure season.
I hit 13 and went to secondary school. Still awkward and shy in piano class, still weird corner girl in church, still “Bu-Christing”. The new school and new friends will sound like a nightmare for a girl like me. But I met Her in school. The girl who invited me to her church camp (a church I’ve never been) and ditched me (for legit reasons) in the morning of the camp. I accepted Christ in this camp. I chopped my insecurity.
In school I thrived, I was acing classes (to be honest because the kids were dummer). My confidence soared. I was smart girl and I loved it. Aced GCSEs with 10As (okay maybe I was a bit smart).
It was Smart Season.
Smart Season brought me to Chatterbox Season where I was enrolled into a boarding school filled with smarter smarts, it was there when I realized I was only smart because the others were dum because these kids here… were REALLY SMART AND HARDCORE.
One thing constant throughout all seasons. My personality at home. The chatterbox lively little girl who loved her ballet and twirled around everywhere. I knew how to throw a good tantrum, I knew how to scream, I knew how to laugh like a possessed person, I am plain crazed kid. Home season was basically a constant chatterbox season because I was myself. The Boarding House became my home, everything that was only exposed to my family slowly started to show. People didn’t really hate me about it. Being in a place where I unconsciously became myself made me happy, it made my time there enjoyable. It became my comfort zone and It became my family.
Then Uni Life came. Moved out of Boarding school. I was suddenly stripped away from alot of my comfort friends. I had to learn how to behave in public again and relearn how to make friends and I found it tough.. very strange for a chatterboxer like me. My friends never believed me at that. My family and I had to search for churches and when my mum finally found one, I had to follow suit. It wasn’t easy and I couldn’t fit in. I found myself curling back to the seasons where I hid in the church bathrooms to avoid people. I saw myself awkward, insecure and always felt someone was judging. Something was very wrong. I failed in my academics too. To me, the Smart Season and Chatterbox Season felt like it never existed and I was spiralling into a state of total confusion.
The sudden appearance of my Boarding House award, it made me reflect on my seasons, how I’ve changed over the years in my life and who I really was. It feels as though God trying to reinforce in my head that I made you this way, you have been strong, chatterbox and smart and lively. He knows the current season I’m in is gloomy and he wants me to change it. He will change it with me and He is my partner in all things. He knows that I’ve had better seasons. He knows I can get back to it and be even better.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11